We’ve been together longer than any couple we know, save his parents and his older sister. I’ve been hoping for him to want marriage for about 5 years now, and have been wprking at minimizing my own desire for it (obviously I”m not doing too great on that front, or I would not have searched out this web site).
After having one couple get engaged at the 10 month mark, after two more shorter t-erm couples getting engaged and even married at less than a year together, after a couple who’d had family reasons to put off their wedding and had a 3-year engagement set a date for March 2011, and after several Facebook friends and a co-worker all got engaged, I was in a bad place. We had arguments, he tried to console me with anything BUT a proposal, and told me that he thought he’d be caught up with finances and school in about 2 more years, and he could see us being married by then. It was the closest he’s EVER given to a timeline, and I was happy to hear any spark of hope. I know he’s behind for his age, and I know he’s finally cathcing up, but the road has been long, and without a ring on my hand, no one recognizes it or acknowledges it.
THEN, still this fall, his 4-years younger brother came by our house to show us the $4K ring with enhancer he’d just bought his Girlfriend of 10 years and told us his plan to propose a week later on their anniversary. I held it together and admired the ring, and then after he left to go hide his purchase in their apartment, I went to cry, cry cry in the shower, and made myself so sick I missed work the next day. It led to an argument about how I shouldn’t compare us to others, and that he saw it as me just being selfish and wanting a ring, I should be happy for his brother, etc. I told him, finally, I was sick of my last name, sick of being part of my dad’s family who disowned me and I can’t escape it because my name is unsualy and obvioulsy belongs to THOSE people, so I get asked at least once a month if I’m so-and-so’s daughts, isn’t he a great guy in places where I can’t asnwer – no, he’s an abusive, manipulative psycho who hates all his children. That I’m tired of having to lie when people ask me why I’m not married to protect him. That I want OUR relationship to be repsected instead of loked down upon, that he’s proven my a$$hole family right by not marrying me so far. It was ugly. I was not proud of myself. I also feel should have said more, sometimes. He told me that even if he could afford it, he couldn’t propose right now, anyway, with everyone else doing it. Whatever.
I found this site and was releived to see I’m not so evil woman for my feelings of admitted jealousy about the fact that every, single couple we know, save for one who have just barely started dating and are quite young (most of us are right at or above 30, this couple is mid-20s), is now married, or will be in 10 weeks according to the last update by the June bride. I felt terrible when the June bride, while talking to me about her frustrations and stress from work, wedding and school all at the same time, in addition to her FIs work schedule – she was really stressing – in that conversation it came out how many engagements and weddings had occured in such a short time, mostly from me just trying to assure her that so-and-so’s wedding went well, yours will too. She heard about the younger brtoher, looked at me and just said, “That’s everyone around you – isn’t this hard on you?” I anted to break down so badly and say “YES! I’m so happy for all of you, but I want that, too! Why am I not worthy of it?” …but I was trying to comfort HER, so mooning over my feelings wouldn’t help, so I said it could be hard, but I was okay. She is the only person to, on her own, (well, other than my SO) realize without me saying anything about it that this hurts me. I guess I’ve lied so well over the eyars about not caring so my SO won’t look like a jerk that they believe it.
I really don’t know where we are right now. He’s been more open about wedding talk when we’re with friends, but I really can’t seem to bring it up about us – part of me is just hoping that by holding it together I’m not pushing him further away when he’s actually starting to be receprtive about it. I need to find a way to talk about it, some Bees a few weeks ago gave me some helpful ideas, but I am waiting for the last scheduled wedding (unless my 1/2 brother goes ahead and plans his for this year, too) for 2011 to pass, the one in June. Then, after such a big wedding, I hope I can just say, “How about we just go elope?” I don’t really need that much ceremony – just he and I exchanging vows – after such a long ‘courtship’ a big wedding would be ridicoulous, out of our means, and I have no family to invite, so it’d just be his and some friends. I need to ask June bride to toss me the boquet – since she’s one of the last in her family to get married, and pretty much all of our friends are married, maybe I’ll be the only one standing there.