Post # 1
Let’s hear something funny!
This is more horrific, but believe me, my mother beat the crap out of me! When I was seven years old, my mother remarried to my step dad. We picked my Step-grandmother up from the airport and started driving back home. My step-Gma asked me something about school and I straight up said this her, “lick my crotch, woman!
I have NO IDEA what it meant; I just heard my older half-sister (from my dad) say it and soooo…I did it too.
And then, I was 11 yrs old and got caught putting rocks on the railroad tracks. This cop came and screamed in my face that I could go to jail and made me ride back home and he followed me. My mom said the most pitiful thing in the world was looking out the window and seeing me on my bike crying with the officer following me in his car… with his lights on.
Post # 3
@ShabbyChicBee: My Mom told me when I was about 3 I approached a lady at the park and said “You’re old, and you’re gonna die soon!”
Post # 4
@ShabbyChicBee: HAHAH THAT LAST ONE. Amazing.
My grandma was a first-generation Canadian that lived in a really, really poor area of town that was known for a lot of bad stuff (kids going missing, arson, gang violence) etc, but she was also responsible for raising my cousin who was pretty much my sister growing up, so we both spent all of our weekends at her house. At one point they decided to open up a new community centre down the street, and we went to the opening celebration. When my cousin and I realized that they were throwing out shelled peanuts–which we inexplicably adored–we started going hay-wire and collecting every peanut we could find. Then we realized that we had taken ALL the peanuts, and apparently felt only bad enough to run home without my grandma and hide in the bedroom closet, gorging ourselves on peanuts. We both fell asleep and woke up 4 hours later to my grandma and both of our parents screaming in the kitchen to the cops that we’d been kidnapped. I think it still took us another 15 minutes after that to come out of the closet, lol.
Post # 5
@ShabbyChicBee: This so humiliating. When I was little, I was friends with another little girl across the street who was a couple of years older than me. I looked up to her so much! One day, my dad was watching me and somehow I managed to get out of the house (I was probably 4), go across the street, get into the neighbor’s house aaaaaaaaand that’s where they found me. In my friend’s room (who wasn’t home), trying on all her clothes and playing dressup. Including undies.
A 4 year old single white female.
Post # 6
@ShabbyChicBee: OMG. I can’t stop laughing at either of your stories!!
The lights were probably overkill, officer.
Post # 7
When I was in the first grade, we took sign language classes in school. Nobody in the class was hearing impaired, I think it was just part of the curriculum. Anyway, we learned all kinds of neat sign language things and I thought it was really cool. One day, some family friends were over and my parents wanted me to show off by doing the pledge of alleigance in sign language for them. Afterwards, they asked if I liked sign language. I said “Yeah, I love it! When I grow up, I want to be deaf! It would be so cool!” The looks on everyones’ faces was priceless. My parents had a conversation later that night about the difference between a career path and a disability.
Post # 8
@ShabbyChicBee: Too funny!!!
When I was around 5 I was playing in my parents bedroom and happened to come across where my mom hid her ruby ring. I took it thinking I would just wear it for awhile…well…I was picked up by my aunt and went to her house to play with my cousins. I remember telling my cousins that my mom gave the ring to me…later that night my mom gets a call from my aunt, my aunt says that she found a ruby ring in a plastic bag on her stairs and almost threw it out!!!!!! OMG
Anyways, it was obvious I was to blame but that didn’t stop me from trying to blame it on my 1 1/2 year old sister! I was grounded from day camp the next day. My mom and I laugh about it to this day.
Post # 9
I had a HORRIBLE one.
When I was fairly young (like 9), my Mom announced that she was pregnant, and I was VERY unhappy about it. Everyone was so excited (my Mom was supposed to be sterile after two chemo treatments and a full-body bone marrow transplant for aggressive cancer), but I was mad.
One day my Mom said “Guess what!”
And I said “The baby isn’t coming?!”
So I wished a miscarriage on my own mother. Too young to understand what I’d said, but the look on her face! I’ll never forget it!
Post # 10
When I was little, I was terrified of our basement. At somepoint (I was probably around 5), as a favor to my parents and the world really, I decided to carefully sprinkle an entire coffee can worth of craft glitter all over the basement to make it glow in the dark and be less scary. I carefully put glitter in every corner, every step of the stairs, everywhere. I was soooo excited to show them.
Pro tip: glitter doesn’t glow in the dark, it requires light to sparkle. Huge disappointment.
Parenting pro tip: Do not every let your children have free access to large volumes of glitter.
We continued to find glitter in that basement until we moved out 12 years later.
Post # 11
@ShabbyChicBee: not me, but my Fiance was in trouble with his mom for back talking. When she wasn’t looking he put handsoap on her toothbrush! She brushed her teeth and noticed how foamy her “toothpaste” was getting….needless to say, Fiance was in much bigger trouble after that!
Post # 12
My dad had a beard for all of my childhood. Well when I was about 5 he decided to shave it. He went into the bathroom with the beard and came out without it. I started crying and screaming, “what did you do with my daddy!? What did you do to him!?” I was convinced that this was some other guy coming out of the bathroom and that he had done something to my father, hahaha. I ran to my bedroom and locked the door scared to death. He had to work all night to convince me it was him.
Then another time my dad was dating this girl that had unusually pointy canine(?) teeth (you know, the ones on the ‘corner’ that are sharper looking?lol). I truly thought she was a vampire. I just knew. Well one day when I was like 6-yrs-old I was sitting at the dinner table swinging my feet around. My foot got stuck in the chair somehow and the girl could see me struggling. She got up to come help me and I started screaming bloody murder! I thought, “This is it! She’s got me!” LOL! I never wanted to tell my dad that she was a vampire because I thought once her secret was out that she’d bite us all! Yeah, I watched too much tv
Post # 13
This one wasn’t me, but a story that FI’s family likes to tell is from when he was 4 years old at the circus. FI’s family had taken their seats, and a very frail old woman came down the aisle to sit by them. Fiance exclaimed, “YOU LOOK LIKE A SKELETON! YOU CAN’T SIT BY US!!”
Post # 14
In Kindergarten we had to line up on some ramp to wait for the buses to arrive after school. I was at the end of the line at the top of the ramp. For some reason I decided that was a good time to pee my pants, so I went and it ran all the way down the bottom of the ramp and all the kids in front of me had to move out of the way and the teacher yelled at me… not my finest moment.
Post # 15
I was a pretty good kid so I can’t think of a good one for me… but my Brother-In-Law did a lot of naughty things! He used to steal money from his Mom’s purse (8ish) and order PIZZA! They didn’t find out about it until they found 10 empty pizza boxes in the garage. How did those get here? He claimed he “didn’t know”. LOL!
Post # 16
@ShabbyChicBee: I was a shithead. I started speaking in complete sentences at 18 months and it was all over after that apparently. My mom told me that one time (when I was about 2) I was jumping on the furniture in the living room. My dad and mom were in the kitchen and my dad walks up to the doorway and goes “If I have to come in there, you are going to be sorry!”. I pretty much rolled my eyes, climbed down, walked over to him, standing toe-to-toe with my hands on my hips said, “well then you just better stay where you are!”. I should also note that my dad is 6’2″ and probably 300+ lbs, with a mean temper. Not a wimpy dude lol.
Another time my brother ran out of our playroom crying and holding his eye and my mom asked me what happened and apparently I just said “well we were playing david and goliath and I was david and I meant to hit him gently but it just didn’t work out that way”. I was probably 2-3 at that time as well.
My little brother was pretty bad too though he was just really oblivious and never meant to be naughty lol. He didn’t understand whispering so whenever he had something to say in public he would tap my mom on the shoulder, get close to her face, and loud as ever, say it. This ranged from, “WOW, that man is VERY bald!” to “he is VERY fat!”. My poor mom.