(Closed) Whats up with the no-plus one rules?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
1648 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

For us, if you’re single at the time of the wedding, you don’t get a +1.  My wedding isn’t the place for your first date.  It is what it is.  No complaints so far.

Post # 63
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We gave cousins whose partners we have met a +1.  My family is close-knit and if the rule was if we haven’t seen them at Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter, it’s not serious enough to merit assuming you will choose to bring them to our wedding.  That way I am not making the judgment on how serious their relationship is- they have already shown us whether the relationship is serious or not.

Also, I agree with what others have said about it not being a financial decision, but a decision based on the meaning of a wedding.  Our wedding theme is the family tree- which means to me that a wedding is a celebration of your commitment which is a little green bud from which a whole branch will grow… Anyway… it’s sacred, special, and family-oriented so we at least should KNOW the people at the wedding.  Hence, +1s for those whose partner we’ve met, and none for those we haven’t.

Also I think it’s fun being single at a wedding.  It’s a good place to meet people who are kind of like you, so I think our single friends will not be too bored or lonely.  We plan to arrange the seating in such a way to encourage some of our single friends mingling with each other, with some specific ones in mind for each other – anyone else matchmaking the singles at their wedding in this way?

 

 

 

Post # 64
Hostess
11163 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@Kandiss16:  We didn’t offer a plus one to a lot of my DH’s male friends frankly because we didn’t want to spend several hundreds of dollars to feed and entertain their flavor of the week. I’m not shelling out my money so they can get laid.

For those people in actual relationships we happily allowed them a plus one.

 

Post # 65
Member
4654 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Kandiss16: 

Some people just don’t like having a bunch of strangers at an event they consider to be extremely personal an intimate, regardless of their budget.

Some people would rather treat those they know well and love to a very special event and spend more on fewer heads. (And don’t have the money to treat strangers to something that lavish.) 

Some people really just ARE on a SUPER tight budget and can’t even afford to invite all the people they want to see, even with a fairly basic plan, so they’re not going to let some randoms take the place of people they love. 

Personally: We are a combination of the above. We are on a fairly tight budget, and feel that our wedding should be a small, personal, intimate event that is made special for our nearest and dearest. With less than 50 guests, all of whom are our personal closest friends and family members, it would be very odd to have someone we didn’t know in attendance. 

We would make an exception if anyone was coming who didn’t know many other people there, but almost everyone knows almost everyone. No one is coming who doesn’t know at least two people there besides us.

Yes… There are a couple of people whose SOs we could not accommodate (almost everyone in a relationship is already married) but we’ve spoken with them and their SOs are invited to the next day’s no-host event and they will have many friends at the wedding… so no sweat. Nobody is declining over this, and if they did, I would not be offended.

Post # 66
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Other than money and budget, a lot of couples run into space limits. There are venues that have a maximum, so fitting more people just doesn’t work.

Post # 67
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ve been to plenty of wedding alone and had a blast, even ones where I don’t know as many  people. I think it just depends on your social preferences.

 

 

Our wedding is very religious and personal I don’t want anyone who hasn’t been there with me and my Fiance or a stranger who wouldn’t understand what our journey has meant for us. I would not feel very comfortable sharing such personal parts about my life in front of strangers. 

Post # 68
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Anyone in a relationship should get a plus one. No ifs ands or buts. It’s also not up to you to determine the seriousness of someone’s relationship… if someone has a significant other, they are  a unit. I don’t care if you haven’t met the partner. 

If someone is truly single they don’t need a guest.

End of story.

Post # 69
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@Kandiss16:  “i wouldnt go to a wedding solo

So if you didn’t have a boyfriend, and couldn’t get a date, you wouldn’t go to a wedding alone? I must say I find that attitude strange. It’s like you’re saying “Sorry Sue I know we’ve been friends since we were 10, but I can’t attend your wedding because I can’t find a man to escort me“.

I’ve decided the rules are definitely regional. Where I am, it is generally the rule is that if someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend you invite that bf/gf; but you don’t allow unattached guests to bring a “date” for the night. Because that’s the rule for pretty well any other social event. The whole notion that someone can’t function at a social event without a date is, like I said, strange to me.

Post # 70
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I don’t mind paying for regular girlfriends, boyfriends, fiance(e)s, etc…  I just don’t think I should pay for some random one night stand skank or douchebag.  But I am having a small intimate wedding so one crappy guest could throw off the whole casual, friendly vibe we are going for.

Post # 71
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Another problem with plus ones is you lose control of the guest list.  You can have someone bring one of the groomsmen’s exes, etc.

 

Post # 72
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First of all, I just wanted to say that I’m not “judging the seriousness of people’s relationships” by limiting +1s. If somebody tells me they’re in a serious relationship, that’s good enough for me. We have some friends who are not living together due to religious reasons and not engaged yet due to financial reasons, but I’m not going to tell them “sorry, you can’t both come! We knew the guy first so only he gets an invite!”

Also, nobody will be all alone with nobody to talk to. Everyone we’re inviting (other than my DOC and my hairdresser, who I’ve known forever so I invited them to stay for the reception) knows at least 5 people. We’re also doing open seating so people can sit with whoever they want. 

Anyway, I can’t afford to invite everyone I want to invite. Our guestlist is around 60, consisting almost entirely of family. I would love if my Fiance and I could each invite 20 more people so we could have all of our friends there, but we just don’t have the budget for it. So I’m not going to cut out people just so my single friends can bring a random date. My Fiance has a few friends who like to date around a lot, and we’re simply not going to pay for the random chick they’re boinking this week. Nope, nope, nope. 

View original reply
@paula1248:  I also think it’s really strange if somebody would decline going to a wedding JUST because they can’t bring a random date. I mean, really? You can’t interact with other adults in a platonic manner for a few hours? I recently went to a wedding where I only knew one of the brides, one of the maids of honor, and one other person. Obviously the bridal party was busy most of the night, so I just hung out with the one person I knew for part of the night and talked to random people for the other part of the night. It was fun!

Post # 73
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sure the reason is different for everyone, but +1’s cause an issue when you are already struggling to shave down a guest list for space purposes! If someone is engaged or living together I would never ever consider not including their partner, but I have had to make a few tough choices for people who have boyfriends or girlfriends I’ve never met, or haven’t been in the picture long. 

Ideally I would give everyone the option of bringing a date, but when I can only have 60 people that isn’t always possible. 

Post # 74
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

Plus Ones would be ideal for every guest over the age of 18.

But realistically, with the cost of Weddings, the size of a Venue, the price per head… and the fact that most Brides & Grooms have a longer FIRST DRAFT Guest List than they can realistically afford for a full-sit down Dinner Reception and a Night of Dancing… etc.

Something has to give.

More often than not, that begins with “the vision” of the Wedding… and after all the cuts that can be made there and still retain the basic feel that the couple had in mind, if additional cuts have to be made… they come with the Guest List.

A Wedding for 150, with 25 close friends in attendance ALL bringing Plus Ones equals 50 people… or 1/3 of the full Guest List.  A Wedding of 100, and those 25 Friends & Plus Ones translate into 1/2 of the full Guest List.

Most families have a higher need to accommodate family members… a Wedding of 150 and getting to 120 family members is not unheard of… leaving “a space” for 30 friends, or just 15 couples (still short of the original 25… and miles from the 50 if they all had plus ones)

So ya, juggling a Guest List is a HUGE challenge for most Brides.

Finding ways to delinate is the best solution…

No Cousins – No Kids (under a particular age) – No Plus Ones (unless a recognized social unit… Married / Living Together / Engaged) gives cutting back a logical set-point.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 75
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

View original reply
@Car7yn44:  for the record, what happened to you is NOT Good Etiquette.

The line if one is needed… should be drawn at “recognized social units”

So that includes those that are Married – Living Together / Common Law Marrieds – or Engaged.

You should have been invited with your LIBF, for sure.

The Bride / Couple was rude to you and him.

 

Post # 76
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

View original reply
@Kandiss16: regarding the Etiquette…

Invites for married couples would be addressed to both such as this:

Mr & Mrs Robert Jones … OR… Mr Robert Jones & Ms Diane Jones

For Living Togethers…

Mr Robert Jones & Ms Sally Black

OR (stacked one above the other… either the one you know best first)

Mr Robert Jones

Ms Sally Black

For couples that don’t live together… then there should be 2 Invites sent… one for each adult to their own address (BEST Etiquette)

OR the same as the stacked style above… sent to the home of the one you are closest to / know the best (Not the best etiquette… but common)

And if one wants to issue a Plus One to someone… then they either call up the person to get the details on Name and Address for that person, and follow one of the above Not Living Together arrangements (BEST Etiquette)

OR

If you don’t call up the person… or know they don’t have a longterm relationship but want to offer them the courtesy of bringing a Guest then it is acceptable to write the Invite out to

Mr John Brown & Guest

And yes, to limit confusion, it is best to utilize the “reserved seats in your honor” style of RSVP Cards… you write in whatever numbers would correspond with what is written on “the outside” of the Envelope

Hope this helps,

 

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