(Closed) What's with "waiting?"

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

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Mrs Canuck:  well we had a conversation, decided on the right timing together.. then we waited for that time to arrive.  For me that’s what the waiting was all about. It wasn’t cloak and dagger at all, just being patient and waiting for the right time.

Post # 17
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t get the whole “waiting” thing either. I see it as dating…. Adults discuss goals and what they need and want from a relationship and life. So many women are busy “waiting” that they are missing out on living their lives just waiting for a proposal.  We are better than “waiting” for a man to decide whether he wants to marry us. All the snooping and anxiety for what exactly? That is not part of a healthy relationship. A man knows whether he wants to marry a woman or not. Have a discussion if your gut tells you he’s BS’ing you, move on. Maybe you should “walk” and find someone who is on your wavelength. Im surprised half of the men of the “waiting” bees haven’t left them! Some of their behavior is a complete turn-off. Live life.

Post # 18
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Never understood the whole “waiting” thing either, though I guess I would be considered a “waiting” bee. If I spent all my time worrying about a countdown to the big moment, I would miss all of the fun and excitement that my SO and I have together just being a couple. A lot of women need to learn that managing a beautiful, healthy, long lasting relationship is what actually matters in the long run. Proposals and weddings are just brief moments, but that bond between you and your SO is supposed to last forever, so above all it’s most important to nurture and cherish that.

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trinionli:  Literally everything you said x1000.

Post # 19
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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trinionli:  I agree. My bff & Fiance never heard of this website and I told them about the waiting posts, and we agreed it’s a bit depressing/sad. I was never in a rush, if you’re in a solid relationship what is the difference?

And why get so stressed about waiting just chill, it will happen when it does. And if you absolutely need it, you should have figured out your SO plans before getting so invested. Or move on…

I don’t think the day after my wedding day will feel any different than the other 6yrs of my relationship. 

Post # 20
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

We’d already picked our wedding date before he formally proposed.  There was no cloak and dagger and there had been tons of discussions about marriage.  He wanted to save a bit to buy the ring and he wanted to propose ‘properly’.  He did want that one big moment where he got down on one knee with a ring and asked me to marry him.  He didn’t want it to be done through bartered negotiations. 😛   I didn’t want to take that chance away from him.  And I wanted that experience for myself.  So I waited for the proposal (it came a few months after we picked our date and a few months before he’d originally planned to propose.)   Was it a surprise?  Yep.  It was not how I thought it was going to happen.  Was there ever a time I was concerned he wasn’t going to propose?  Nope.  I’ve known for a long time we were going to be married, it wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ it was a matter of ‘when’.   It’s pretty unusual that people’s timelines line up perfectly.  Usually one party is ready to take the next step before the other, at least that’s what I’ve seen with all my friends.  It’s not to say that they’re on completely different levels, its just that one gets to that point a bit earlier.  And the reason the other hangs back may not have anything to do with their commitment or love for their partner.  There could be a mulitude of reasons that it takes them longer to get there.  And I don’t think you can, or should try to, rush someone into proposing/marriage. If they’re worth it, you wait for them to catch up.  It doesn’t mean you won’t talk about marriage, that might be the easiest way to assuage their fears. 

**Edited to add** And I highly doubt that anyone who’s ‘waiting’ is just sitting around all day stressing about if/when they’re going to get married.  And I think its pretty high and mighty to think that could possibly be true.  Seriously, I doubt any of those ladies are missing out on life.  I’m sure they still do all kinds of fun things with their SO.  It’s not like life is stopped until they’re engaged.  It’s one small part of their life and their relationship.  It seems like its a big deal because there’s an entire board dedicated to it and its the commonality, so its what people discuss.  That’s how you bond, you talk about what you have in common.  It’s not their whole life. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by sostobe.
Post # 21
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m glad you didn’t need to wait, but everyone’s situation is different. 

For all intents and purposes, my guy and I were engaged once we decided that we’d like to plan a wedding and get legally married. We picked the ring together, and I wore it out of the store. However, having a surprise proposal was important to him. It took him three months to plan, and I did whine on the Bee a few times during that period. However, once he did propose in his super thoughtful, low key, and romantic way, it suddenly made sense to have waited for that moment. 

Just because one waited doesn’t mean they didn’t have a frank conversation with their SO, or did not sensibly take the step toward marriage.

Also, as someone from a traditional home, my parents would not have accepted a “we decided to get hitched!” announcement as an engagement. While I didn’t care what he did, he did need my parents’ blessing, as well as an actual proposal, for it to be acceptable in my community.

Post # 22
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am engaged now, but I was a waiting bee for quite a while. In my situation it was a combination of many factors. For many years my fiance’ waivered on whether or not he wanted to exclusively date me (he dated me and visited me half-way across the country, encouraged me to date others but got upset when I did, said he loved me but didn’t want anyone to know, etc.). It was upsetting and frustrating, and I told him so multiple times over the years. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and I moved here (from my home state to his new home state).   I have been in college much longer than I (or really anyone) wanted to be for my undergrad (there have been a lot of complications: family, health, personal circumstances, major changes, personal issues, etc.). We discussed marriage during the first month that we knew each other, but I was 18 then. I hadn’t thought about marriage for he and I much since then, but his mom, my relatives, and my friends kept asking me why we weren’t engaged yet, and when it was going to happen. I thought more about it. I am in my mid-twenties now, and I needed to know where my life was going on all fronts (not just career-wise). I brought marriage up with my fiance’ again during the second year that we had been living together. He was reluctant to discuss it in concrete terms. This bothered me. I kept asking him what he was thinking about our future and what he was feeling, etc. I thought that he had been on the same page, when it came to marriage and children (because he had never indicated that he had changed his mind on that front).

 

  We are living as if married, so on that front nothing would change. I understood that then and I understand that now. A part of me kept thinking back to our “non-exclusive dating” years, and wondered if he was still “hiding me,” or waiting for someone better to come along. I kept trying to find out why he was against marriage, or at least marriage with me. He couldn’t give me an answer. If he had, I probably would have been more accepting of his reluctance. He couldn’t though. He knew how I felt about our past, and about wanting to be married when we have children (we both want 2-3 children).  

 

I asked him if he wanted to join me in therapy, he declined. I started to question myself (as prompted by the bees); questioning why I was wanting to be married to him, and whether that was more important than my relationship. Honestly, marriage in-general hadn’t been important to me before my relationship with my fiance’.

 

I decided that I would work on myself, and fullfilling my comprehensive potential. I posted about how my fiance’ finally told me that he was “excited to spend the rest of [his] life with [me], but that marriage wasn’t particularly exciting to [him].”  

 

I had decided that if his mom continued to ask me when we were going to get married, that I would tell her that I didn’t think that it would happen for us. For the follow up question why, well my fiance’ had his reasons. I was kind-of annoyed when it came up over the summer, and he told his mom that we planned to eventually get married, and then did a 180 when we returned home. I told him that I didn’t appreciate the mixed message communication going on and that he needed to figure out what it was that he actually wanted. It was confrontational and probably too harsh. I wouldn’t have “walked” for a lack of committment, but I considered walking because he wasn’t willing to acknowledge or work on our communication issues. I cried at the thought of it. We had a long and honest conversation about it. He said he would try to work on our issues if I was willing to.

 

  We have been working on communicating more clearly with one another. One day last fall, on our way back from archery, he decided to stop at a jewlery store and he asked me to look for engagement rings with him. I asked him if it was what he truly wanted, and he said “yes, I want to marry you.” We ring browsed for a couple of months or so, until we found a ring that we both liked. He proposed last November, and we will be married in June of 2013.  

 

He admitted after proposing that he appreciated the proverbial push, and that he was simply being lazy about making concrete steps towards marriage. I have asked him since then if he feels that I pushed him into doing something that he didn’t want to do, and he always says that he wouldn’t have done it if he really did not want to. He tells me daily that he is excited to be marrying me, and that he could not ask for a better “wife.”  

 

The communication issues have gotten progressively better, and I am still working on fullfilling my personal potential.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by .
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Post # 23
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Mrs Canuck:  We discussed it openly many, many times. We were 16 when we first started going out, so we jointly took the decision to finishh with university, get jobs and move in together before moving forward with engagement and marriage. We celebrate our 8th anniversary this Saturday, he has the ring, and we put it off a couple of weeks ago due to my grandfather’s death. Due to circumstance, we wanted to be in a financially secure position, plus my SO wants some element of surprise.

 

It’s great that you didn’t have to wait, but not understanding ‘waiting’ because you didn’t have to doesn’t mean that it is wrong or inferior. I do find it a little rude. We waited because we were setting our lives up. True, I was ready a long time before him, but I certainly didn’t mope about hoping that he might possibly propose.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by LittleWigeon.
Post # 24
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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LittleWigeon:  Well said. I find this thread in poor taste to be honest. Even if it was not the original intent, a period of my relationship and my choice surrounding it has been borderline insulted by a few Bees. Did it suck that I was ready for a proposal before FI? Hell yes. But I wasn’t some damsel in distress who spent every day fixated on this fleeting moment. In the time I was a waiting Bee, I experienced a lot of personal growth, went back to school, volunteered abroad for the summer, and got a new job. I had my sad moments, but I was surely not mopey and depressed and wondering how my life would go on without a shiny bauble on my finger.

Post # 25
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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Mrs Canuck:  lol a lot of people dont have it that easy. we are married now but we talked about it and knew we wanted to marry each other (and spend the rest of our lives together) just not right now. marriage is a big commitment and we knew we had the rest of our lives to get married. so when i was finally ready at year 5, he wasnt.  i waited for him to be ready which ment not knowing when he would propose and he also knew i wanted it to be a surprise (most girls do and my DH wanted that as well) so the anxiety and butterflies of waiting leads to a lot of posts that you see. he asked at year 6.5. so it was a year and a half of waiting. i could have asked and he would have said yes but that wasnt something i wanted to do… and he wouldnt have really wanted me to either. he picked the ring and i loved it. total surprise!

Post # 26
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

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SoonToBeMrsT16:  + 1. I get the idea of “waiting” to a point but I have to say the posts I see of women having “bad waiting days”, wondering if the nice dinner out means he’s going to propose and resenting him when he doesn’t makes me sad. It seems like a lot of bees miss out on the fun/experience of here and now cause they’re too busy waiting on the future

Post # 27
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I always thought “waiting” was an odd term too. We discussed it. We designed a ring. I suppose I technically waited for him to propose… but it was just “dating” nothing different.

Post # 28
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

There are numerous reasons why a couple ends up waiting, and not all of them have to do with a lack of communication. For example, DBF and I have been together for nearly two years. Even though we’ve agreed that we’re marrying each other one day, we’ve also come to the conclusion that this is not the right time in our life for marriage.<br /><br />First off, we’re very young. While the fact that I’m 19 and the fact that he’s 18 doesn’t really exempt us from getting married now on its own, we are students who still financially depend on our parents. Additionally, DBF and I both don’t feel completely ready for marriage (emotionally speaking, that is). This is mainly the case with DBF, but I also feel like our relationship could benefit from some time to grow before we take that next step.<br /><br />I will admit that some waiting bees do go overboard, and seem like they focus too much on waiting for that proposal. I certainly enjoy my relationship as well, but even as far back as middle school, I have always been fixated on moving on to the next phase in my life. Yes, I know this is a problem; I am taking steps to remedy it.<br /><br />Mostly, I just find it odd when people say that relationships “should” be a certain way. If everyone is unique, then any bond between two people will be different, too.

Post # 29
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 My SO would LOSE HIS MIND if I wanted to be apart of him asking me to marry him. We looked at rings together and he got an idea of what I liked after We had a very mature conversation. And in that conversation he said “I want to marry you and im excited for OUR future but proposing is important to me, and I want to do it right. I want you to know that I value us enough to really plan this out” Wowza. Not my place to tell him “dont make me wait, go get a ring and do it now.” Its coming, the man is saving money and working hard to make its special. I have no issues with “waiting” because we did have serious conversation and its his time to plan. Im not depressed or sad or not enjoying my life while I wait either.  Im actually excited about my future with my SO and I love talking to other bees who are in the same boat. I really, really want it to be special and I really dont want to know when it is happening. Wanting a proposal that way means waiting until my SO pops the question. 

Post # 30
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

Most of the people who ‘don’t get waiting’ did not have the experience of it. Its understandable then that some people think its strange. 

However in some couples, there could be a variety of reasons why an engagement or wedding are not simple conclusions reached by both parties at the same time. Sometime finances are out of order, sometimes one person knows they want it but aren’t emotionally ready, sometimes career or family matters arise and it disrupts timing.

Yeah sometimes there are ‘bad waiting days’ when you come home from being asked for the zillionith time why aren’t you engaged or four of your friends got engaged in one weekend or whatever. 

But I’ve seen some girls have ‘bad single days’ when they come in from a string of terrible dates over the course of a week and are fed up in the heat of the moment. 

Or some women who feel a bittersweet happiness for yet another pregnant friend when they’ve been trying over a year. 

Or other women who get tired of busting their ass at their job to see the bozo two cubicles over get the promotion. 

So sometimes we just have annoying difficult days that remind us we aren’t always in control of our lives the way we want to be and it sucks. And that’s how to understand it. Its just one different, unique quirk in life some people experience and work through themselves. 

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