(Closed) What’s wrong with me? A question about Love and Lust,,,,,

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1013 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds like you simply are in a rut with the easy every day way of life.  Meaning that the relationship with your SO is simple. You love him and hes there.  This other dude is complicated and a challenge which is now appealing to you since its so simple with your SO.

My personal advice would be to start putting extra effort into your relationship and trying to spice it up again. 

Post # 4
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@2ndChanceNancy: I wonder if this is just your fear of being married coming out. Perhaps your mind is giving you an escape if you chose to take it.

I say think logically– is it your SO you really want to be with, or is this your way of thinking that maybe you aren’t ready to settle down or be with someoene else? If you really want to be with your SO, then you need to focus on revamping your relationship. Ignore your feelings at work the best you can, and think about ways to “get the spark back”.

And beyond that, perhaps going to counciling to deal with the emotions you are feeling and to find out why you are feeling this way might be a good idea. A therapist could certainly help you get back on the right track!

Post # 6
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Part of it, too, is that you’re likely spending more time with work-guy than your SO.  I had a work crush when I was in my first marriage, but I saw work-crush 8 waking hours a day and interacted with him on a constant basis, and only saw my then-DH for a 3-4 waking hours a day.  We ate lunch together.  We had something in common (our jobs) that was a basis for conversation.  (My marriage ended years later for reasons wholly unrelated, so the work-crush wasn’t the issue, btw.)  Since you’re not living together, you probably see SO even less per day. I think reminding yourself of the positive qualities your SO has vs. the negative qualities work-guy has will reassure you that it’s just your mind playing tricks.  As a mother, you would never consider him as a suitable partner to be around your child, so it’s not like you’re seriously considering being with him.  If you can’t get reassigned, just make sure that conversation is business ONLY and minimize flirtation.  That should help to make him seem less interesting, and with time, the crush will fade.  Also, if you can try to find a weird physical flaw to focus on, that might draw your attention away from feelings of attraction (i.e., OMG he has the longest nose hairs I’ve ever seen!).

Post # 7
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

At this point, I would just try to ignore it and talk it out with someone in real life you can trust. You would be surprised at how often just putting words to it to someone who knows you can make you look at it more rationally or just in a different light.

If it lasts several months though, I would tell your SO about your crush. I know that that sounds hard, but I think honesty is the best policy here. It’s not cheating, you haven’t cheated, but if this is something that you feel for a while and you feel it affecting your life with your SO, you need to tell him. It will be a painful conversation for both of you, but if it saves your relationship, it will be worth it, right?

I’m someone who feels that crushes on other people, over the course of a lifelong relationship, are completely normal. It gets into dangerous territory though, when it lasts a long time and it is someone who you spend a great deal of time with and at that point your SO deserves to know whats up.

When I was in college, I developed a crush on someone else who also had a crush on me and it got into squiggy territory, close to cheating, for a minute. So I told my SO. He was upset, obviosuly, but the conversation forced us to confront what was wrong/going on in our relationship and recommit ourselves to it. And then the crush was basically gone from that point on. Telling my SO made the possible consequences more real, and then the crush was so much clearly not worth having, those feelings disappeared pretty quickly. We made some changes and got back to only having eyes for each other real fast.

Take a deep breath. Its only been a week, crushes will pass.

Post # 8
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with @takemyhand: Just think logically.  I am happily married to Darling Husband but every now and then I think of an old flame that was a ton of fun and excitement.  Then I remind myself that was ALL he was and he would have made a terrible husband.  DH is a wonderful husband but “bad boy life of the party” he is not.  I think these thoughts come about because Darling Husband is a homebody and I get bored every now and then.  But, when I think of the big picture – think logically, it is easy to push the thoughts out of my head and just tell Darling Husband it’s time for him to take me out! For you it may be the excitement and mystery of it all with your coworker, but looking at the big picture – you know it is you SO that is the one.  I agree with your plan.  You and your SO should work to spend quality time together.  It will be fine.

Post # 10
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think phyical attraction to people besides your SO is normal. Since you see him so often it probably makes it worse. I don’t think it’s something we can control- the only thing you CAN control is what you do about it. You’re not cheating and you’re not even considering cheating- so try not to worry too much about it. If it helps, maybe try to make a spark with your SO, go on a fun, different date or do something out of the ordinary.

Post # 11
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think being physically attracted to other people is natural. What shows good character is that you are not pursuing this person (you’re trying to get away from him, even!)

Post # 12
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@2ndChanceNancy: Just because you are in love does not mean you will not be attracted to another man. Thats irrational. Your love will keep you from having sex with this other guy but there is nothing wrong with looking. Sometimes people may have a fantasy about someone because of sexual attraction BUT they never intend to violate the bonds of their relationship. You will be attracted to thousands of men in your life, it means you are heterosexual. However, your commitment keeps things from progressing pass the point of appreciation of an attractive guy.

Post # 13
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

FWIW, Dan Savage says that even while in the most stable relationships, people develop crushes on others.  I know that’s been true for me.  I was previously married for almost 20 years, and there were several crushes during that time.  As others have said, the real issue is what you do about them.  If you treat having a crush as a sign that something is wrong in your current relationship, and you need to get out of it/cheat on it, you’ll have problems.  If you recognize that a crush is just one of those things that happens, and don’t act on it, you’ll be fine.

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