(Closed) What’s wrong with me!!? or him!? or US!?

posted 9 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

Ohhhh, hun those are horrible feelings! I would suggest first of all, consider postponing your wedding. You have been together less than 2 years, getting married in 4 months, and in a long distance relationship? I think this relationship might need some time to grow, you need some time to nurture it. In person, not just over the phone πŸ™‚ I have read ‘The Conscious Bride’ and found it useful (there is a website too), maybe this is something you could consider. Engagement can be a difficult time for any couple but considering what you’ve said, I think there is room for pause. Good luck, I hope you can find some peace.

Post # 4
Member
2404 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@JoyousBride, i have no solid advice for you but my Fiance and I were doing long distance for 3 years and it was sooooo hard.. it definitely put a strain on the relationship and i wasn’t feeling "head over heels" like i was before the long distance. Once we were back in the same city and spending real time together things changed dramatically for the better. Please stay positive and you are in my prayers!

Post # 5
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

I know how long distance can take it’s toll on relationships.  Can you schedule a visit where the main purpose is to reconnect (rather than make wedding plans, etc)?  I would see how a visit like that goes before making a final decision.

Do you have friends, family members, or a pastor who you could talk to about this?  Do any of them express concerns about your relationship?

Are you all going through premarital counseling at all?  I think it’s an important time to reflect on your relationship.  In our counseling we had homework to ask our family what they thought about our relationship.  During a rocky time in our relationship, I was able to hear outside views and it reaffirmed that we were good together and just need to Biblically resolve some conflict.

Praying that God will give you a clear sign!

Post # 6
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

How do you handle big changes in your life? Is this reaction typical of you? I know whenever I have had big changes (moving away to go to college, for example), I freak out initially, spend a lot of time second-guessing myself, and then finally settle down happy. That could be happening to you.

Also, engagements and wedding planning are stressful, as is long-distance. Lots of couples squabble during their engagement, moreso than when they were just dating. My husband and I certainly did. Your reactions may just be your normal reactions to these stressors.

That said, engagements are also a time where you learn a lot about the other person, sometimes things that you don’t like. When you say you don’t like the way your relationship is heading, what do you mean?

I know you are praying about this, which is wonderful, but I would encourage you not to "rush" God—your wedding is coming up and you feel like you have to make a decision now or in the least four months from now. But that’s not true. You have all the time in the world to make your decision. Money and disappointments are nothing in the big picture of your happiness, which is really what God and your family and friends want for you.

Post # 7
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

For what it’s worth, like chelseamorning said, we argued a lot more during our engagement than we did when we were just dating or now, since we’ve been married. We were both just sooooooo stressed out.

I second the recommendation to try to schedule a visit where you just spend time together and don’t talk about wedding stuff. It seems like non-wedding stuff is worrying you too, though; maybe that would be a good opportunity to evaluate that? My husband and I were long-distance for two years and discovered that we would often miscommunicate via email or over the phone; we really need to sit down face-to-face to have important discussions. 

Finally, if you are really not 100% feeling like this is the guy you should marry and that’s a feeling that you’re having more than every once in a while for a few seconds at a time in a moment of utter frustration, then maybe postponing it wouldn’t be a bad idea. Everybody gets frustrated with one another, but if this is your first boyfriend and you’re having a lot of doubts, there’s nothing wrong with taking your time. A wedding date can be moved. Your happiness and peace of mind (and heart) are what’s important. 

Are you getting any support or feedback from your family or friends?

Post # 8
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think asking yourself those questions is a healthy part of the process as is figuring out what your expectations are and where you are able to compromise.

A good couples counselor can help you work through those issue and perhaps help you ask yourself the BIG questions regarding committing to this particular man in marriage and expectations about loving someone (and ‘feeling’ in love).  Love is a choice and not something you will always ‘feel’.

You may be over the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship – and wedding stress in general is what’s making you see some of the less ‘lovey-dovey-ness’ of the relationship.  Not knowing how old you guys are, what kind of relationship history you have, etc., it’s a little hard to give you better advice – but you certainly must know it’s easier to postpone or call off a wedding than to go through the pain of divorce years later.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2010

That IS a healthy thing to ask yourself!!

Like someone else said above…make time…to just talk about life and have no wedding talk! The guys tend to get a little stressed out, whether they say so or not…and they tend to get argumentative. It’s a huge decision during this time and the largest responsibility they’ve had! πŸ™‚

My boyfriend does the video game thing too…and I am 100% with you there sometimes not knowing what to say or do. It’s taken a lot of talks and sometimes quite intense ones that end with me in tears…but he’s learning to budget his time and spend it doing other things. He struggles being responsible at home too…although he is now getting better! Sometimes i think we girls, are a bit more advanced in this area…and they learn a little bit slower. Not anything against hte guys!!!!! My FI kinda needs it listed out. If you leave it vague as to responsibilities, it won’t happen. I think it intimidates him. Your Fiance may be the same!?

Schedule that time, possibly start doing a bible study together? and read my response to the post about sexual purity. πŸ™‚ It’s hard, but you can do it!!! Just decide whether or not you can live with him playing video games. Coming across as concerned/argumentative sometimes doesn’t help…you almost have to direct it at the spiritual walk with God. Is he putting that before God? Is he honoring his family by taking care of what he’s been given? that sort…Say you’re really wanting to know what he thinks about that. And pray….:)

 

I will pray for you! πŸ™‚

Write to me if you need encouragement!

Post # 11
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with spwinggal about the pre-marital counseling. My Fiance and I did it, and I think it brought us closer together. It’s really a way of fine-tuning your relationship. Kind of like a tune-up, or oil change on your car. It’s a way of giving you insight into your SO, and a way of working out problems (like this one) together and ways to solve them. We really thought of the counseling as a preventative measure. I highly recommend it to any couple! πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey JoyousBride,

I’m also in a long distance relationship, and know the stress it can add. But I also know that love is about a lot more than the ‘head over heels’ feelings. Those will come and go throughout most relationships – and if the warm fuzzies I get from watching romantic movies is any indication, are more about you than you and him. πŸ™‚ Don’t get me wrong – I love the warm fuzzies and I love the romantic times in a relationship, but they aren’t foundational.

Have you and your fiance done any premarital (or pre-engagement) counseling? Even from far away, my bf and I have been working through a list of questions we got from our pastor. Each time we talk on the phone we tackle one question – and hope to be finished with them all by the time I see him next (December 31st, my plane gets in a 8:34 at night! I’m counting the days!). The questions focus a lot on expectations and communication – two things that can make or break a relationship, in my experience (and that of those close to me).

Without knowing many more details of your situation, I would strongly urge you to look into some form of premarital ‘counseling’. When you and your Fiance take a long hard look at yourselves and your relationship together, you’ll grow together (or, heaven forbid, you’ll realize it’s not right before it’s too late), and then you’ll be ready to start marriage on a healthy, strong foot.

I hope things work out for you two, and that your relationship will grow in the Lord.

Post # 13
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

  I was very disappointed the first time I realized I didn’t have that butterfly feeling everytime I saw him. I thought there had to be something wrong. And for awhile (2 hours) I convinced myself this could not work because we were just good friends. Luckily I have a very patient FH who talks me down every time I become silly or suddenly find some reason we wont work that I JUST should have seen sooner in the 2 years we’ve been together. Mine is a bit of fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of overlooking something major in the excitement of finding such a great guy. Mr. S plays online games & has other hobbies that take up a large amount of his time. He doesn’t always remember to do the things I ask around the house, but he is my best friend and he goes out of his way to remind me that he loves me each and every time I freak out. He is understanding of why I tend to do this and patient with me. In one of my worst freak outs when I tried to push him away and was being very difficult he waited on me to come home, held me, and told me it would take more than anything I’ve got to make him walk away. I think that’s what I needed to hear. That no matter how difficult I may sometimes be (and oh can I ) he loves me more than that. So I guess I am saying it’s okay to be having these fears marriage is a HUGE step and not one to be taken lightly, you should be considering many of the complicated and hard to answer questions. Better to work through them now than later… if he is willing to work with you and tackle this situation I think your relationship will grow even more.

Post # 14
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Long distance is not fun, I am there right now too!  I’m not going to add to the wonderful advice you have been given by the lovely ladies above, but maybe him spending so much time on the Internet is because he misses you?

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