Post # 16
I would be ok with A and annoyed with B. Option C would take a LONG time to get over. I’d be devastated and we’d probably go to counseling. But D would be unforgivable to me. I don’t think I could get past it. I might try to, but even if I tried my best I just don’t think I could move past it.
Post # 17
I’d be done at B. I’m not entertaining that bullshit.
Post # 18
I’m out at B. No tolerance for any kind of cheating behaviour. Whether emotional/physical/mental, if the thoughts are there the physical actions may as well be for me.. and drunkenness is no excuse either.
Post # 19
B – I’d be pissed about because I can’t stand flirting, but we’d get past it.
C – I think I’d be done. If it was a “oh fuck we just kissed” drunken mistake and SHE kissed HIM, there’s a very tiny chance we’d work it out. But making out for minutes, NOPE.
Post # 20
mingogo4 : At A) I would have a stern discussion about resetting his “radar” because I would think that the attractive woman deliberately waited until it was just the two of them at the bar. My thought would be that there were signs ahead of that showing her interest in him, and he missed them. Not a dealbreaker at all though – just a discussion of signs and signals.
B) Flirting with another woman would make me livid. That is the beginning of a slippery slope. Dealbreaker or not – depends entirely on his reaction to my deep concern.
C) Dealbreaker. She should never have gotten that far.
Post # 21
B would be my limit. Darling Husband & I have discussed this type of thing before & both believe it’s important to not put yourself in the situation where cheating might happen. In C and on, you have clearly passed that limit of keeping yourself in the situation where this could happen.
Post # 22
A is fine. B – would be fine for him to stay for a drink and walk her to her car, but the explicit flirting would definitely not be okay. I’d have a really hard time knowing I was with the kind of sleazy guy who would entertain making direct sexual comments to another woman. I’d really have to reevaluate things. C would be very upsetting and he’d be in the doghouse for sure. I would maybe consider working through it depending on the circumstances. Anything beyond C would be no questions dealbreaker category… though it’s maybe possible that if we were married with kids I’d want to try counseling to see if it could be worked through. But I don’t know that I could get past that.
Post # 23
A) no problem
B) annoying but not a big deal unless this happens all the time. Then I would have to examine and reevaluate how trustworthy he actually is. Even so– not a deal breaker on its own, just a warning sign. See the final paragraph for an explanation of how I’ve handled this situation in a dating/unmarried relationship in the past, though.
C) HUGE problem in my marriage. I’d work through it with counseling “if I felt like it”, meaning he is fully at my mercy and if I’m just not up for it that day, he risks being out the door. Oh well, that is the risk he took. On the other hand, he might get lucky and I might be willing to work through it. I can’t say how I would feel until I was in the moment (UNLESS we had kids- them my feelings are secondary and I would try to work it out unless there was a whole other crappy history of problems).
Anything past C and I’m not sticking around.
It is important to add that my reaction would be different in a marriage than in a dating or serious but non-married relationship. Before my husband I had a very serious boyfriend who wanted to get married and he loved me SO much. One year we were at the Relay for Life (an overnight cancer walk) and I had to leave temporarily. When I came back an acquaintance came up to me with a warning that my ex and this other girl were acting kind of weird towards one another and got a little touchy feely. There was NOTHING previously that had given me any reason to not trust my ex, but something just felt super weird about this. The next day I told him I needed a break because I was too weirded out and he shouldn’t have put himself in a position where other people would view him as acting inappropriately with another woman, even if he meant nothing by it. He cried and shook and begged very genuinely but I stood firm that this was what I needed, even if it was temporary. Well, a few months later he and that other chick were ina relationship. I’ll never really know what happened that day but the whole thing feels super sketchy to me. My point is that my cut off point can be drastically different for a dating relationship versus a marriage. When dating I set incredibly high bars with the hopes that the guy I married, having met my standards, would not go anywhere near option “C” (my possible deal breaker) in the first place. Or if he does go anywhere near “C” there is a good chance I could tell he was acting extremely out of character (still doesn’t mean I would definitely try to work it out, though).
Post # 24
I’m of the opinion that “cheating” is not a cut and dry definition that is applied across the board. For me, cheating is defined by those in the relationship. It can be emotional or physical and anywhere on those spectrums. It’s a mutual and agreed upon understanding. In my relationship, I define cheating as anything my SO or I do with someone else that should only be reserved for him and me, including the flirting described in scenario B. My current SO knows this, so the whole he will “set proper boundaries” wouldn’t fly with me because we have already discussed what we are and are not comfortable with.
Post # 25
So in this scenario were they are colleagues previously and do not have a strong emotional connection:
A- no problem
B – meh little annoying (part of this might be that I can’t imagine Darling Husband making lewd sexual comments to anyone who he didn’t have an emotional coknnecrion to)
C – I wouldn’t throw away my marriage for a kiss but I’d be pissed
D – I’m not completely out yet, I’m willing to go to counselling but I know I might not be able to get over it but I would definitely try.
E – I’m out and getting myself tested.
Now, this changes dramatically if he’s got an emotional connection to her beyond *just* a colleague. If it’s ‘Jen the work wife’, then at A he has to go no contact if he wants the marriage. At B I’m out. At C I’m probably in crazy land and dumping a suitcase of his clothes on his car at work.
Post # 26
We have discussed something like this together.
For me, I have high expectations of myself and husband to not open the door to temptation or give reason for a lack of transparency.
A is the only thing I would accept. Alcohol or not, we know my guy’s drinking self and “drinking” is a bs excuse in my book.
Post # 27
I’ve committed C and we’re ok now but it took a long time. I’d probably be able to forgive up to D since I committed C already and he forgave me
Post # 28
B would definitely gross me out. but it wouldn’t be over because of it. C I think I could get over if it was just a kiss but making out for a few minutes? That’s a lot of time to think about what you’re doing especially if the person is sober enough to offer SO to come to their house. I don’t know if it would be divorce for me, but I would be furious. D is an absolute deal breaker and I probably wouldn’t even entertain the thought of staying together it’s such a breach of trust to me.
Post # 29
My gut feeling is that these are NOT hypothetical situations and you are unsure how to react. I can’t believe that any man of integrity would ever find himself even in the first “scenario”. Too many good guys out there. I wouldn’t tolerate any of that krap.
Post # 30
merrymargaret : These are definitely hypothetical! I always was curious where my boundaries laid in comparison to others, and I feel like I’ve finally found a cool way to ask it without just saying “Hey, what are your boundaries.” Usually get a “Well it depends” or “it’s different for everybody”- which isn’t exactly what I’m looking for, heh. I still realize there are different situations and different scenarios etc etc- but it provides a decent baseline to go off of, at least!