(Closed) What's your opinion on…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How long after your spouse passed would you start dating?

    0-1 years

    1-3 years

    3-5 years

    5-7 years

    7-9 years

    9 years+

    Never!

  • Post # 32
    Member
    262 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I definitely believe someone should have another romantic relationship after the one he/she is in love with dies.

    If it occurred within the first year, it would be suspicious to me, lol. Like the two were dating before the death or the widower was on the rebound/having a fling.

    Post # 33
    Member
    11528 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I definitely think it depends on the circumstances and the people involved. In general, I don’t think it would be healthy for someone to jump into a serious relationship or to re-marry immediately.  People need time to grieve and for their hearts to begin to heal.

    However, I don’t think there should be a required number of years before a widow or widower allows himself or herself to go out for coffee or dinner with someone to get to know him or her.  I could see a widow or widower doing that at some point within the first year.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1794 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I’m not trying to be rude, but I think it is incredibly naive to say that dating after the death of a spouse is wrong and that every widow should remain single. It’s one of those things where you have to put yourself in the grieving spouse’s shoes and think realistically about the impossible standard you’re trying to set because of some romantic ideal. I know that pining away the rest of your life after losing a spouse probably sounds very romantic to you, but really it’s just sad when you think about what it really means. I’m sure I won’t change anyone’s mind, but I do hope those who disagree will at least consider how it feels to be in this situation and not judge people for moving on. Each person has only one life and they have to live to the fullest; there’s no prize for being a martyr

    Post # 35
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Jacqui90:  Don’t you want your Fiance to be happy if you die first? IMO it’s selfish to expect your spouse to remain single for the rest of their life. I want my fiancé to be happy and if I die tomorrow I expect him to do whatever makes him happy. 

     

    Post # 36
    Member
    11735 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think it really varies depending on the situation and relationship and people.  My DH and I have both said that we would want the other to date and find someone else to share their life and love with, regardless of what age the other passes at. 

     

    It’s hard to imagine having to go through that and move on and love again, but you do have to move on eventually and you can find love again while still respecting and loving your dead spouse. I think it would be quite unhealthy to never date again since you felt you were cheating on your spouse.  Your vows end at til death do us part for a reason.  

    I think it’s very selfish to expect (and to tell) your spouse you would be upset if they found love after you die.

    Post # 37
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I don’t think you can consign a widow or widower to a life of loneliness after the passing of their spouse. I think 3-5 years would be acceptable, but everyone is different. I believe you can find love in many places, and I would want me SO to be happy if I passed and I think he would want the same for me. If we had children, I would want him to find a beautiful, generous, kind, Christian, and loving mother for my children and I hope he feels the same about me. We have randomly discussed this on occasion.

    Post # 38
    Member
    2393 posts
    Buzzing bee

    All of the women in my family who ended up being widowed — even the ones who were widowed very young, say at age 30  — never dated or re-married.

    I always found that very sad.

    I’ve already had this conversation with my husband. I’ve told him that if anything happens to me, I want him wait until he is ready and then go out and find a wonderful new lady. I told him he has my “permission,” LOL. I also told him I have only one condition: she needs to be a really, realllllly nice person with a good heart.

    I didn’t vote in the poll, though. I honestly don’t know how long it would take me to feel mentally ready to date again. I hope I never have to find out the answer to that question. I’ve already told DH that I want us to peacefully die in our sleep at the same time, kind of like in “The Notebook,” haha.

    Post # 40
    Member
    748 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I don’t think that I’d date again honestly. I was a very happy single girl. I liked living alone, and was ok with the idea of being alone, until my FH came along. If something happened to him (God forbid), I don’t see myself dating again. That’s not self-flagellation on my part. Our relationship was a total fluke, and I truthfully think if he were gone, I’d go back to being single and would be content with that.

    It sounds kind of sad LOL but I swear, I’m just a freak of nature that enjoyed being single and living alone. Before FH I always saw myself as one of those batty old women that did all sorts of fun things and drove around in sports cars.

    Post # 41
    Member
    2512 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t like the idea of my FH being with another woman at all, but I like the idea of him being alone even less. We’ve both said that we would hope the other would be able to find someone if something happened. I don’t know that I could be with someone else, but I really couldn’t say without being in that situation and having time to grieve.

    I do think, though, that except for the case of elderly (70+) couples, people need at least a few years to be ready to date. I’m voting 3-5. I can understand an older person wanting companionship, so that would be a different circumstance.

    Post # 42
    Member
    3885 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    It’s very short-sighted and selfish to view a widow/er who moves on and begins dating as “disloyal” or “cheating on” their deceased spouse’s memory. Man is inherently a social creature. It’s natural for us to want to form close bonds with others. And sometimes, those bonds develop into love. A widow/er’s love for his/her second spouse is no replacement or competition for their love of their first spouse. It’s simply another love. 

    The thought of my husband staying single and not finding another love, should something happen to me, makes me incredibly sad. His life after me should be as rich and full of love as he wants and deserves. I don’t know how long after his passing I would open myself to love again, but I wold hope that one day I would love again. He would never deny me that!

    Post # 43
    Member
    8035 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    View original reply
    @Jacqui90:  Many men are not happy single. If they’re used to being in a relationship they’ll often go back into one fairly quickly (like a year or two after their spouse is gone). Men remarry quite quickly often. My best friend’s mom died a couple of years ago and her dad just started seeing someone. It is quite weird for her, but she wants her dad to be happy.

    I used to think like you, but I think I am coming around a bit. I wouldn’t want my SO dating someone quickly, but I think if I died young it would be quite selfish on my part to expect that he’d remain single for the rest of his life. I can’t say for sure what I’d do if something happened to my SO. He’s a lot older than me so I probably will be widowed at some point. I don’t like to think about it.

    Post # 44
    Member
    9845 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    My DH and I actually had this conversation recently for some odd reason, and we both agreed we would want each other to remarry. I think expecting a widowed spouse to never date or remarry is pretty cruel honestly. As far as an acceptable time frame, I’d say a year or so, but I don’t think I could judge someone during such a difficult time in their life.

    Post # 45
    Member
    513 posts
    Busy bee

    What a tough subject…for me personally, it would probably be years and years before I could date again. I flat out wouldn’t be functioning if my Fiance passed away, at least not for a while. I would probably feel guilty dating someone else. It takes me a while to get over things in general. Hell, I might die of a broken heart depending on how long we’d been married.

    I’m conflicted about Fiance being with someone else. Picturing it doesn’t sit well with me, but I’m an atheist and don’t think anything will happen to me when I die. So, I won’t know/care if he’s with someone else. I don’t want him to be lonely. As long as he doesn’t date an ex 😉 But I think it would be kind of sweet in a weird way if he didn’t want to date anyone else.

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