(Closed) What's your opinion on…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How long after your spouse passed would you start dating?
    0-1 years : (10 votes)
    6 %
    1-3 years : (93 votes)
    57 %
    3-5 years : (37 votes)
    23 %
    5-7 years : (7 votes)
    4 %
    7-9 years : (0 votes)
    9 years+ : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Never! : (13 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    3415 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

    @Jacqui90:  I don’t think there is a set amount of time when its appropriate or inappropriate to start dating again.  Everyone is different and deals with loss in different time frames.  If I’m 70 and a widow, I probably wouldn’t date again.  If (god forbid) I find myself a widow in 5 years, I would probably start dating when I felt the time is right.  I don’t know if it would be within the year or longer but I’m only 32 now and can’t imagine being single for the rest of my life at a young age. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    3725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @Jacqui90:  I don’t see it as being disloyal. I would like to think that my FH would want me to be happy after he passed and not live a solitary life unless that it what made me truly happy. I used to think like you but as I’ve gotten older, my viewpoint changed.

    I would also want FH to be happy if I passed before him. Life is too short not to love and be loved.

    Post # 64
    Member
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    The idea of never dating again is so sad and horrible!  If I died tomorrow, I’d want my fiance to date again – I would NEVER be so selfish as to say “I’m your only one, so when I die, you’re stuck living the rest of your life alone”.  That’s just a hateful thing to do.  My parents have a 15 year age difference, and I’d bet every penny in the bank my Dad will go first.  After he passes, I hope Mom will go on dates when she’s ready.  I love my Dad to pieces, but I would never expect Mom to spend her last years without companionship just for his memory. 

    There’s no magic number for how long the grieving process takes.  Frequently, if someone passes after a long illness, the grieving process started well before death.  And I’m sure most of us understand that love happens when you least expect it.  I certainly wouldn’t expect someone to say “Oh, well you’ll just have to wait a year for me to talk to you, I’m in the middle of my scheduled grief time”.  People are ready when they’re ready.  And it’s not our place to judge them or their situation.

    Post # 65
    Member
    2902 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    If I pass I hate hate the idea of Fiance being alone forever. I want him to come home to love every night, I want him to laugh and snuggle and be happy with someone, anyone is better than no one. How selfish to want them to be alone, I dont get this at all 🙁

    If he passes I will wait as long as it takes me to feel comfortable, if that is never then so be it. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    535 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @NurseMandie:  You might be surprised.  When I was in middle school, this woman at my church began spending time with a widower. Eventually her health got so poor that he spent most nights at her house. They never married, but us kids always joked about them “shacking up”. I know another woman whose husband died a couple years ago and she has recently remarried.  They were married for over 50 years, and now she’s found someone else to share her life with.

     

    My mom died in 2008 after having cancer for almost a decade. We talked about this several times, and made me promise to be there for dad if he met someone new. About a year after her death he began dating someone and I realized that whatever he had with mom is no more or no less than whatever he finds with someone else. I was honestly happy for him, because I hate the idea of his being alone. Unfortunately they parted ways and he hasn’t met anyone serious enough to introduce me to, tho I know for a fact he’s dating someone new.

     

    Asking how long someone should wait is like asking how long you should date someone before getting engaged, or how long you should be engaged before getting married, or how old you should be to get married. There is no magic number that says “you must be a widow/er for x amount of time before dating again.” In my mind, trying to arbitrarily assign some time limit would cheapen the relationship of the deceased spouse.

     

     

     

    Post # 67
    Member
    9130 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    Thinking about this breaks my heart.  I’ve been with my guy for 13 years – can’t imagine life without him 🙁

    BUT, I know if I died, of course I would want him to find another love. His happiness is exponentially more important to me than the idea of him “cheating on me” after death.  

    Personally, I don’t think I’d be ready to start looking around / dating for at least ~2 years.  But I don’t think anyone should mourn and suffer alone for the rest of their life.

     

    Post # 68
    Member
    3415 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

    @OkieHeart:  Oh I know of some 70 year olds who dated lol.  I worked in a nursing home for years before getting my nursing license.  I could tell you some stories (both innocent and naughty lol).  Its cute and sweet when elderly find another someone to spend their time with.  I shouldn’t say I never would date at 70 if I was widowed.  I just can’t see it happening, but you never know I guess.

    Post # 69
    Member
    358 posts
    Helper bee

    It would depend on age I think.  If I was older and had kids and decades of experience together I can’t see starting over with someone new and would just cherish my kids and grandkids.  A friends mom did something similar and they are still a super tight family.  But if it happened when I was younger than I can see it being easier for something to develop with someone else, my grandma lost her husband suddenly when he was hit by a drunk driver just running up to the grocery store to get milk while my mom was in high school.  Luckily she found another amazing man (they are seriously so sweet together) and I’ve grown up knowing him as my grandpa and he fully respects my grandmas first husband and is mentioned frequently that he must have been a real good guy.  

    Post # 70
    Member
    2780 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @Jacqui90:  I didn’t vote because I can’t possibly guess how much time I would need to feel ready to move on. I disagree with your views on the matter, if I went before Fi I would want him to be able to move on and find happiness with someone else, I can’t imagine expecting him to live alone forever and become lonely, no one deserves that and there is something that friends snd family just don’t bring to our lives, and we only get from a relationship.  heaven forbid something were to happen early on in the marriage, you can’t honestly expect him to live the next 40 or so years alone. To me there is no such thing as a soul mate or only one person for everyone,  I think there is always someone else out there we can love and be loved by, the key is to simply find someone that makes us want to stop looking and ignore any others that could be ‘soulmates’. 

    Post # 71
    Member
    965 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    This is a very interesting topic that makes my stomach churn to think about, but I do think this is an important topic for spouses/SO’s to discuss with one another.  Darling Husband and I have actually never had this conversation and I believe you have prompted me to bring it up.  Coming from my perspective, if (Lord Jesus forbid) something were to ever happen to him, I can’t imagine ever EVER finding anything to compare with what we have and I believe it would take me a very long time to get to a place where I would allow myself to love again, if I ever did, but I wouldn’t shut myself off to it forever.  Or at least I would hope that I wouldn’t…I just know it would take A LOT of time.  For him, of course I hate even thinking of him ever being with someone else, but I love him with everything that I have and would want him to find happiness again.  I mean, what if we had kid(s) and something happened to me?  I would want my children to have a mother figure in their life and to see their father happy.  I wouldn’t want them to spend the rest of their lives with this void…if Darling Husband felt it was right and found someone who could fill that hole, I would absolutely want that for him and our (currently imaginary) children. 

    Seriously, thinking about this ever happening has me a little short of breath and I almost got choked up just now, so I’m going to mosey on out of here, but in answer to your original question, I agree with the majority that you can’t put a timeline on when it’s appropriate to find love again after the death of a spouse.  Now if you will excuse me, I need to go pray for an hour that nothing like this ever happens to Darling Husband or me!!

    Post # 72
    Bee
    1466 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Father\'s Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

    My grandfather lost his first wife at the age of 24, while he was in WWII. When he got home he stayed single until he was 27 when he met my grandmother and married her. They were happily and lovingly married for 51 years when she passed away from heart failure. After another two years of being single, he started dating a woman 18 years his junior, who we adored. They never married, but they were in a committed relationship for 9 years until he passed at the age of 89. He loved all of the women in his life, and I think that it’s God’s greatest gift to us to be able to love again and again. I would certainly hope that Mr. D would eventually open up his heart again and find someone to love if I was to be the one to leave first, especially if it was sooner than either of us thought.

    Post # 73
    Member
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    Really sad topic. If I died first, I would absolutely want my SO to date if he had any desire to do so. He is older though, so unfortunately it’s very likely that I may be in this situation someday 🙁

    If so, I might start dating within a few months. I would be unspeakably miserable, possibly considering suicide, so I think I would give myself license to do almost literally anything that would make me feel better and take my mind off the grief. I think the longer I put mourning restrictions on myself, the more likely I would be to sink into permanent depression.

    One of the things I’ve learned from my SO is that you don’t “owe” a dead loved one your misery to “prove” that you loved them. What you did while they were alive is the proof – misery after their death is irrelevant at best.

    Post # 75
    Member
    341 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    For all things there is a season…

     

    I apply this to people as well. I hope to God and back that FI’s season in my life is 75 years long, but if he goes before me, who’s to say there’s no one else to fit me and my new life after FI?

    Post # 76
    Member
    1540 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    If I die, I would want my SO to find another, as long as he doesn’t forget me or compare her to me. I would want him to be healed enough to seperate the two relationships. I don’t know how long that would take, but I would gladly smile down on them

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