Post # 1
I read this today – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-falconer-newhall/im-the-mother-of-the-groom_b_2499501.html – and particularly some of the comments and found myself rather shocked by how bad some MIL/DIL relations are! I’m curious to explore this further!
By the sounds of things I’ve hooked myself a great one! I hit it off with FH’s mum straight away and there are times I’ve been closer to her in this whole wedding-planning craziness than I have to my own mum. FH & I live in Melbourne, five minutes from his family, whilst my parents still live in Auckland where I grew up. Relationships with my mum have been tense over the years, mainly because she can be extremely judgmental and it was a highly critical & not a very nuturing environment to grow up in. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum like crazy but there’s compartmentalising needed, there’s stuff I’m still very hurt over & that will take a while to come to terms with. Of course the lack of “history” helps but by contrast my Mother-In-Law (I already call her my mother-in-law! lol) is incredibly supportive, believes in me, believes I can and should do anything I want to in life and seems genuinely interested in seeing me happy and successful with whatever I want to do in life (whereas I’m forever being told what I should be doing by my parents).
I moved in with FH in June and we began a regular Sunday night dinner with his family so I obviously see them a lot more than my own parents and importantly they’ve seen us together & our relationship together. My parents like Chris, but it’s all been a bit sudden for them! Trying to drum up any excitement about wedding plans was like pulling teeth when we first got engaged, and it was my Mother-In-Law I’d turn to with excited Sunday-night pinterest reviewing sessions 😛 My mum’s reaction to my vintage theme: “You’ve never liked lace? Why do you want vintage? That sounds “interesting”” … my Mother-In-Law enthusiastically offered ideas, helped me flesh mine out, texted me dress ideas. I loved it. So much so that I even took her dress shopping with mum when mum came out!!!! (we would have gone together without my mum first had we been able to get appointments).
Mother-In-Law is a little blessing from above and I feel so fortunate that not only am I gaining an incredible partner in life, but I’ve also become part of his family. The pleasure she gets from introducing me as her soon to be daughter in law makes me grin from ear to ear. It’s not that my mum doesn’t feel the same way about Chris, they just haven’t had as much time to get to know each other and it’s never going to be quite the same thing as it would be if we were living in the same city.
Funny story: my sister-in-law’s parents and my parents get on like a house on fire and in my memory have always known each other well, so I thought it would be a good idea to get FH & my respective parents together… WHEN WE’D BEEN GOING OUT FOR ONLY FOUR MONTHS! We thought our plan – cocktails at my apartment then to a local deli/restaurant – was a good one – until the day off. Whence we spent the entire day furiously texting each other about how stupid we’d been, what a mistake we’d made, and trying to come up with some way – ANY way – to extricate ourselves from the situation. In the end we decided we just had to go with the flow, and ended up spending dinner on one end of the table watching our parents chatter constantly all night – instead of us being the zoo animals as we were expecting, we practically got ignored! lol.
Post # 3
My Future Mother-In-Law is 5 hours away and my Fiance is in the military so I dont get to see her often. I speak to her via text. She is nice but we aren’t extremely close. I am very close to my parents so it would be hard for me to see her like a “mother.” However, I’m happy that we have no issues and have never had a problem.
Post # 4
That’s great that you’ve got such a great relationship with your in-laws! I’ve found it can be tricky to build a relationship with a family who has very different ways of interacting to my family – I come into their family with my preconceptions, behaviours, values, etc. and while we get along, there are a lot of places where we don’t mesh too well.
I get along with my Mother-In-Law pretty well, and she’s pretty nice – nowhere near as bad as FIL! I guess it’s just that she’s not the sort of person I would spend time with if I weren’t married to her son. I like her and don’t mind spending time with her, but she’s not someone I would go out of my way to be around. I think it pushes me away more that she’s always wanted a daughter, so is always making a big deal about me calling her “mum” and her calling me her daughter. Like I said, I like her, but not enough for her to be my “mum.” I guess it’s like if you had a casual acquaintance that called your their BFF and made a big deal of how “close” you were to them – it’s sweet that they like you that much, but it’s also kind of weird when you don’t feel that way in return.
Post # 5
I love my FMIL! I actually get along with her a lot better than my own mother.
Post # 6
Very awesome that you and your Mother-In-Law get along so well! My Mother-In-Law and myself have grown to like and care about each other over the years. But we started off pretty rocky. I married her youngest son by far of 4 kids, and he was definitely her “baby”. He had some not-so-serious other relationships, and she later admitted it was hard for her to “let him go” when he met and eventually proposed to me. Plus, his family is very sweet and conservative, and my family are big drinks and definitely share what we’re all thinking/feeling, so that was a bit of a difference in family lifestyles. We actually had a pretty bad falling out at one point (to both of our faults) but talk ed and later came to terms. Now we get along just fine. It has been a growing process but in the end I know she just really loves her son and I respect her for that. I’m sure we’ll evetually get to the point where we truly love eachother and have a good relationship, but it just takes time. 🙂
Post # 7
I think it can take time as well. Mine isn’t always nice to me and I don’t know what I will get each time I see her. Sometimes she is very rude/mean to me, other times she is giving me a hug. I will be her only daughter in law she will ever have and I have been nothing but nice to her and made an effort, but it can’t all be one sided. Usually when you meet a new family, they pull you in and want to know you and talk with you. I think they thought I should be the one inviting them to do things and all that instead. I don’t live around my family, only his so I would have hoped things would have been better than this so far. But I do think in time things can be better.
For your mum, I think she says negative things to you because she doesn’t want to see you fail and she wants you to turn out good, even though it does not come across that way, several parents do that, and I truly think she doesn’t mean it at all.
All the best!
Post # 8
My Future Mother-In-Law is…fine. She is just not a warm person at all, and is just not good at expressing much of anything other than dislike for things. She likes me fine though, and I’m pretty sure she’s convinced her son could not do better. We had a big fight a few months ago that we are now mending and doing much better. Its just odd to have that relationship with someone who is just like not emotional at all.
Post # 9
I had a great relationship with Future Mother-In-Law before she passed. She was much more supportive of my engagement to FH than my own mother was. For a long time she was the only person I could talk to about the wedding. She always treated me like I belonged and was a part of the family, which is something I didn’t have with other boyfriends. She was a great lady.
Post # 10
Future Mother-In-Law is great, and like you OP my relationship with my own mother can be so-so. The only thing is my sister’s Mother-In-Law is really judgemental of our mother, so I’ve become very defensive about my mother over the years. I can see a little of that judgement in my Future Mother-In-Law and it bothers me.
Post # 11
@goingtotherooftopoflove: I LOVE my FMIL! She is like an older version of me! We dont talk all the time or anything but I love going to visit her and spend a weekend. We get along so well. I am actually even closer to my Fiance grandmother! She email, facebooks, and texts all the time! Atleast weekly to see how life is going. I am closer to her than I am my own grandparents now! I really do love his family I am so blessed to be marrying into his little family.
Post # 12
Sadly my Future Mother-In-Law is a bit of a professional victim – she’s got a great life, but seems determined to feel sorry for herself. No idea why, apart from having too much of a sense of entitlement, and rabid ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ syndrome. Bit of a shame, really.
Also doesn’t help that she has a very strong accent, and talks very quietly…and too much! It’s a real chore to have a conversation with her.
I keep my distance because due to the all of the above I always come away feeling really irritated. Mainly because my late exMIL was a good decade older than her, and had a much more positive outlook on life, was a lot more ‘fun’ to be around – and I always feel sad that she died before she got to have any sort of retirement. Sometimes I feel like slapping Future Mother-In-Law and telling her to realise how lucky she really is…
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
I love mine! From day one she (and the whole family) were so welcoming and warm. I live with them, and have been doing so since August of 2012! It’s all due to jobs… funnily enough, my Fiance now lives with MY parents in my hometown! Haha.
They are wonderful and she is about the sweetest most caring person I have ever met. I always tell Fiance “your mom is a SAINT” lol
Post # 14
I love her. She’s a fun, funny, generous, caring person. She’s had a difficult and strange life and was raised in a VERY different time and culture than me (and than my mom, for that matter), so she makes choices/does things that I don’t always agree with or understand that I know are largely influenced by her background. She can be insensitive and hurtful at times… hubby knows that better than anyone… but she doesn’t have bad intentions. In the end, I love her and feel luck to have her as my Mother-In-Law.
Post # 15
My Future Mother-In-Law is nice to me to my face and I know she really wants me to like her. The problem is, I know how she treats other people (like FI) and I’m worried that once she feels I like her enough she will treat me the same way. I have brought this up to Fiance and he told me she will probably always be nice to me becuase she doesn’t want me to like his step mom more. While I do like her, I do not approve of the way she treats Fiance or the way she handles certain situations.
Post # 16
My Future Mother-In-Law and I are perfectly pleasant to each other but I know that my fiancé and her relationship isn’t the best so it is difficult to know where to stand. Obviously I will always side with him (except when he is being petty cos sometimes he is…they are as bad as each other, then I won’t side with anyone) but the more stories he tells, the more true they are. I think I will always be civil to her, but until she starts treating my fiancé better then…what more can I do!