(Closed) What's your relationship with your SO's mom/FMIL?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
2949 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m fortunate enough to get along extremenly well with both my SO’s mother and his stepmother. I really enjoy spending time with both of them although I do see his stepmother more often than I see his mother (but that’s because she lives six hours away). And I think they both like me – my interactions with both of them are always pleasant and the SO said that they both think I’m lovely which is fantastic.

Post # 63
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We’ve never met. She lives in Texas and won’t be able to make it for the wedding. I have no idea when we’ll ever meet. 

I have met his step mom, though. She’s really nice. But I’ve only met her one time when we had dinner with her and fiancé’s dad a few months ago, the first time they had seen each other in over two years. 

Now, if someone were to ask this question of my fiancé (his relationship with my mother), he’d be able to say, “She’s totally awesome! She’s fun and easy going and has made me feel welcome and part of the family since day one.” Seriously. They tease each other and joke around about the stereotypical son-in-law / mother-in-law dynamic. Like my mom came over the day after we moved into this house to hang out and help me unpack and I texted the fiancé (he was at the store) to let him know that she’d be here and he responded with, “Ugh. You know I can’t stand her!” To which I cracked up and showed my mom and when he got home, she said, “So, I hear you can’t stand me, huh?” and he went on this tirade of how she’s so nosy and demanding and has always been awful to him and they “bickered” back and forth until they couldn’t stop laughing. It was great.

Their relationship is how I always pictured my future husband and mom would get along. With my ex, they couldn’t stand each other. Just one more sign that this is all exactly how it’s supposed to work out. 😀

Post # 64
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well, since you asked…OMG SHE ANNOYS THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

She used to have the habit of coming by our house unannounced when we weren’t home and folding our laundry (yes, including underwear), taking the dog for a walk, leaving groceries and new underwear for Darling Husband…it was terrible! Maybe some girls would love having someone do that stuff for him, but she is a super judgy stay at home mom, so every time I left my house messy I had to worry she’d come over and see. But as soon as SIL had her child, that problem went away, because she spends literally every single day with DH’s sister and the baby.

But when I do have to talk to her…ahhh I can’t even explain how much she grates my nerves. I never complain to Darling Husband because this would sound terribly mean, but she is just…really stupid. And ignorant. There is no nice way to say it. She mispronounces really basic words and acts like I’m some snobby genius when I dare to use a word larger than two syllables. If a movie involves any sort of thought process she is lost…she told me that Inception was just way too confusing and there where just a bunch of stormtroopers everywhere because of the white outfits towards the end (what??). Every sentence is punctuated with the word ain’t as many times as she can squeeze it in there. Any time she tells me a story involving a non-white person she has to make sure she mentions their race – and no, it is never relevant unless it’s her attempt to try to make a racist generalization. And heaven forbid you disagree with anything she says, you will get an eyeroll accompanied by her annoying high pitched laugh over how wrong and stupid YOU are. 

 

…getting that all out actually helped. I feel better. I sometimes feel badly for thinking all that because she does try to be nice to me (in a bossy, she knows best kind of way)…but she just aggravates me so badly.

Post # 65
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I love my FMIL!  She is sooo nice and sweet.  She also calls me daughter-in law and that started at the announcement of our engagement.  Our congrats card was addressed to Mr. And Mrs. His last name.  And it seems i was upgraded to daughter at the engagement party lol.  We have a ton in common.

Post # 66
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

All you brides please take note, I never met my mine, she died 2 years before I met my fi. He misses her like crazy and even though she is deceased three years now he talks about her everyday.

He usually ends with “I wish she was here, she would have liked this”, or something to that effect. I’m not religious and neither is fi but we are getting married in the church that his mother used to attend and this is because I want him to be able to feel her presence as much as possible. 

Ladies, future mother in laws may be a real pain in the butt, they might be stubborn as hell and might try their best to influence their plans on your wedding, whatever, big deal. I wish I had my future mother in law here and I wish she was helping me organise her sons big day, but she’s not and even though our wedding is 2 years from now I know he’s going to be wishing he could look over his shoulder and see her there. 

 

We are getting married in a church because his deceased mother would have wanted it. OP If you would marry your fiancé anywhere then just marry him in a church, so what you aren’t religious so what harm can it do? Years from now he will lose his mother and he will remember he could have had her at his wedding but chose not to and that will hurt. She won’t be in any of the photographs. It’s only one thing, just one and basically it’s not worth causing a massive rift over.

Post # 67
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Irish-bride:  Years from now he will lose his mother and he will remember he could have had her at his wedding but chose not to and that will hurt. 


More like he will remember that his mother chose to not come to his wedding, because silly him and the bride making their wedding day fit their life and beliefs instead of his mother’s. What you are planning for your wedding is a nice thing so your Fiance can feel that his mother is there in spirit, but I don’t feel that it really applies to the OP. A wedding is one day and it is really for the bride and the groom, it is the everyday relationship with her that he will remember. But honestly, I bet the OP’s Future Mother-In-Law comes around and that her threat was just a knee-jerk reaction. I think it’s probably a good thing that she knows now that they aren’t planning on getting married in a church so she has time to get used to the idea. But if she decides not to come over the venue not being her choice, she is the one who will regret not seeing her son get married.

Post # 68
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I completely disagree. Just wait till grief sets in upon her death, the OP could well have to deal with a backlash of “we should have done it but it’s all your fault” etc. Grief is one hell of an emotion. My fi has lots and lots of regrets, he often says he should have done things differently when she was alive, he can’t turn back the clock. And I’m just talking about simple things here that his mother probably had forgotten about 5 minutes later, but these little things still haunt him years later. 

This is just a little nugget of advice from someone who has to comfort a mother’s grieving son almost everyday. Listen to it or don’t listen to it, whatever but regrets are not easy to deal with. 

Post # 69
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

My Future Mother-In-Law, well actually his whole family are just amazing. I’ve never felt so welcome and loved walking into his parents house. They are just like my family, you can put the kettle on and talk about anything. I love it 😀 

Post # 70
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I get along with my FI’s parents, but his father seems to have no respect for our relationship and us spending quality time together. Seeing as how he threatens to make him pay unrealistic rent, he often ends up leaving my house not long after he gets there, to go do some crap his dad called him home to do that really could have waited. It even makes my FI’s mom mad, whom I totally love by the way; she’s fun and laid back usually. His family is not close knit like mine; he loves my sisters the most, he will joke with them, the 3 of them pick on each other for fun, and he is protective, but he seems to be good with the whole group of my family as well. We all live on the same street! (My family, my mom’s sister and her family, and my mom’s mother and father as well.) We do family dinners about once a month and someone is always stopping in. But, he seems to have taken to my family fairly well. Now, if we can just get some things straight with his dad…

Post # 71
Member
3172 posts
Sugar bee

We have some issues but we get along ok

Post # 72
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

after we met up with my SO’s mom last month (first time in 4 years), she started calling herself a Mother-In-Law, and me – her “dearest daughter-in-law”. that’s …nice, but hey mrs K, i’m not even engaged to your son yet :p 😀

Post # 73
Member
1811 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My Future Mother-In-Law is amazing.  Not only did she sell FI’s bachelor pad for us, she and her best friends came out and helped us make the repairs the appraiser suggested over 3 long hot days, but I’m currently writing this from her home.  She is allowing us (and our 4 dogs) to stay with her until our new house is finished in late Nov.  She’s pretty badass!  She’s funny, warm, and relateable and has always accepted me.  I’m really lucky to be marrying into this family!

Post # 74
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Well that was rude of her.. she will change her mind…. Me and my SO have been together awhile but his mom is religious yet kinda of contradicting… at first I did not know how she felt about me.. but when she foun d out me and her son were intimate she flipped out on him and it really hurt their relationship and I just stayed clear from her.. that was like the second year of our relationship and we have been together 4… Well now she is an abosolute doll she calls me his future wife, and calls me on the phone, she smiles and speaks everytime I see her… She is a …IDK how to describe her but we are cool for now and hopefully forever

Post # 75
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@Irish-bride: My SO has also lost a parent so I thought I would add my 2 cents. My SO’s dad died very young because he got ALS. My SO views his father as more of a super hero than a normal person. SO’s father was an incredibly religious man (emphasis on the incredibly) as is SO’s mother (SO was never allowed to celebrate Halloween for example).  However, when I have discussed getting married with SO I told him that I had always wanted an outdoor spring/summer wedding. We are religious but believe that the venue has no bearing on whether a wedding is religious or not. Plus, after I visited Europe I had the painful realization that 98% of churches in America are utilitarian buildings that are not aesthetically pleasing to me (and I’m sure some are lovely and I don’t mean to offend anyone but it’s just my opinion about the majority of churches).  My SO has a deep and profound respect for his deceased father, but the thought of getting married in his father’s church has never crossed his mind. The wedding is to celebrate the marriage of SO and me and there are ways to honor deceased parents besides getting married at a particular venue. I wouldnt get married in a certain church to make Future Mother-In-Law happy just in case it might be important to Darling Husband after Future Mother-In-Law dies.  Theres no guarantee that Future Mother-In-Law would even die first or that Darling Husband would hold it against his wife.  So while Irish-brides’s SO feels this way, not everyone’s SO may feel this way- mine doesn’t. I think every couple and surrounding family dynamics are different and every bride should discuss this matter with SO and make the best decision for them and that decision should be respected by their families. 

Post # 76
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@MissOtter31:  I get credit for a lot of my FI’s accomplishments, too. He’s been out of school for a couple of years, but with a degree that he doesn’t want (it was what he was closest to finishing), so his family has been asking me to encourage him to go back. We sat down and looked through degree options, and I encouraged him to call and make an appointment with a counselor, which he did. His parents were SO happy, but all I did was help him with FAFSA (he’s never done one before!!!) and let him bounce ideas/pros and cons off of me.

Oh, she also interrupts/talks over me kind of a lot, which I really hate. It’s rude imo. I was talking as we were in the car going somewhere, and she decided to turn up the radio because she liked the song that was playing. MRGH.

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@Wonderstruck:  Haha, my Future Mother-In-Law has done this before. I don’t mind it, honestly. Normally she stops by on Saturday morning with coffee and donuts (spoiled kids we are) and will also drop off the coffee that we brew at home, maybe some random thing she saw that she liked, etc. She used to totally do our laundry outright when we’d bring it over on Sundays and hide random things in the folded clothes. It was always an adventure putting our stuff away and finding a kitchen towel, a new pan, super fancy paprika, etc. I miss it lol.

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