(Closed) When am I going to learn to fight fair? :(

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

When you start fighting, take a deep breath, count to 10 and take a break for a second to calm down.

Try to tell yourself to “fight fairly” and keep it to facts and rational thoughts.

Easier said than done.

Post # 4
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I wish I had an answer, because unfortunately I do the same thing.  Sometimes it isn’t so much that as overreacting.  I am definitely the loud, high strung one in our relationship. 

When we argue, I try hard to take a few breaths, and calm down a little before saying anything.  I don’t like raising my voice, but if I don’t relax, I always do.

Post # 6
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

think through anything before it comes out of your mouth. think “is this fair or not?” it only takes a second, and it’s caught pretty much everything i shouldn’t be saying during a disagreement.

Post # 7
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

From what I heard it’s actually in female brain chemistry that we do this – bring up past issues or can’t let things go  because our frustrations don’t go away as quickly as in men and our brain makes connections to times in the past when we’ve felt that way and the memories plus THOSE emotions come flooding back.  I don’t remember all the specifics but NPR has a great show called radiolab that talks about it.

Anyway, the first step is to be aware of what you usually do and go from there.  We all have our limitations and ‘triggers’ – I turn into a psycho b*tch when I get tired, like, I MUST GO TO BED NOW, sort of tired and have the worst thoughts and feelings towards Fiance when I feel this way.  I’ve come to learn to hold my tongue against all odds and just go to sleep.  Lo and behold, in the morning whatever I was livid about seems meaningless.  I guess we all have to figure out how to deal in our own way.  Maybe when you start to feel like some ‘verbal vomit’ is about to come up, say you need to have a time out for a little while, go into another room and chill out for a second.  Even write down in a journal what you’re feeling so you can at least get it out and revisit it later when you have a cool head.  That way you can pick out what was valid and what was batsh*t crazy.

Post # 8
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

This might not work for you guys, but I found that the issues I kept bringing up in fights were actually those that I was bothered about for one reason or another.  For us, it has really helped to discuss those issues, when neither of us are upset, figure out what bothers me about them, and then try and resolve the underlying issue I have/had.  Ideally I would love the deep breath solution PP’s mentioned, but I know that wouldn’t work for me – I can be rather explosive at times. However, I have noticed that for the issues we’ve worked through, I don’t feel compelled to bring them up anymore.  No matter tools you decide to utilize, accepting that sometimes you don’t fight fair is a huge first step; it is a learning process.

Post # 9
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think the trick is removing yourself from the argument before you get so upset that you’re no longer in control of what comes out. If things start to get heated, say something like, “I’m sorry, I’m too upset right now to discuss this calmly with you, I need a moment to myself.” Go into another room, or go outside, anything to give yourself some space and room to breathe. Then think about what you really want to say and how to say it. and only come back when you’re ready.

I agree with PinkPinstripes, it’s a lot easier said than done! It takes pratice to recognize the signs that you’re getting too carried away with your anger and lots of willpower to actually stop.

rachaelrobin brings up a really good point though. If you’re always fighting about the same things, or you find yourself rehashing the same incidents over and over again, it’s best to work through them instead of sweeping them back under the rug.

Post # 11
Member
620 posts
Busy bee

@ItalianLady:

At least you recognize old stuff should be done…once you are truly over it.

Here’s what I would do:  It is my mentality that when someone leaves the current topic and tries to go to old stuff it is because they know they don’t have a strong argument for the current issue.  Because of my ego and my belief that if I am arguing a topic, it has merit, I try to stay on point.

It is the same thing with name calling.  To me the weaker person does that because they have nothing better to say.  If you convince yourself that the one who has the most valid point has so much real evidence and logic in his/her favor that there is no need to resort to those things, after a while your ego will keep you from doing it…because you want to win…lol

Now if it is not an argument on a certain point but just hurt feelings being tossed around, I’d get one of those marriage communication books.  There is no shame in that.  I know I’ll be reading one of those.  I don’t believe in that “winging it” method.  If they have been studying couples and know the common pitfalls, at least I’ll learn those and then make new mistakes rather than the classic ones…lol

 

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