When an ex gets married… and you cannot fathom why…

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

How is it you know so much about your exes lives after a break up and why is that information relevant to you? As far as your question its fairly simple. Sometimes a crap partner for you can be the best partner for someone else. Happens to a lot of people for a number of different reasons. 

Post # 3
Member
5773 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

Do you want an honest in general answer?

Just because someone treated your terribly doesn’t mean they will treat the next person terribly. I mean, in most cases, a spade is a spade. But sometimes its just not a good match or they don’t respect you or love you enough to treat you well. If they meet someone else they truly love and respect they will likely treat them differently. Or they’ll meet someone else they feel meh about and continue the same behavior they did with you. 

Your ex seems like he was a terrible person and no one can know the inner workings of their relationship to know if he treats her the same or if he treats her differently. Not your circus, not your monkies, anyway.

 

Post # 4
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

anonybee1776 :  

I would think that the girl has her own issues and doesn’t see him for who he is.

There is the chance that your ex went to therapy and sorted through his problems so he really could be treating her differently.

You just don’t know. All you need to know is that you didn’t deserve the way he treated you, just because he might treat someone differently doesn’t mean you did anything to deserve what he did. It just means he changed. Maybe. She could be blind to the behavior.

Post # 5
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I’m assuming if he asked this other girl to marry him and he never asked you or respected you, he probably just didn’t have the same feelings for you as he does for her. He may have treated you terribly but that doesn’t mean that he has acted the same way towards her. It’s amazing how love can change someone. Maybe she knows all about his poor choices and bad behaviors and helped him through them. Maybe he started to act how he did with you to her and she put an end to it and made it clear that she couldn’t be with a man like that. You honestly have no clue what kind of a person he is with her. 

ETA: My FI changed pretty drastically when we got together. My FFIL is a complete jerk and he raised my FI to be exactly like him. We were very young when we got together (18 and 19) and I was the first girl that my FI had ever fallen head over heels for. He treated me with kindness and love from the very beginning but he was not so sweet with everyone else. It took a long time to get everyone else to see him how I seen him. He had to learn to be polite and he had to learn that he couldn’t treat others like garbage. I supported him the whole time and he was finally able to build relationships with his family like never before. 

Your ex sounds like he was a very bad man to you. But he may have gotten the help that he needed from her. 

Post # 6
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Eh… I get that feeling when I run into a terrible ex with their wife. HAHA. I mean the past is the past. But I would not feel comfortable dating or marrying someone that used to treat other women like crap. Especially sexually abusive. Therapy or not, that would seriously concern me. But people can hide things for a long time and I doubt he would discuss his history of abusing women.

Now on another note, maybe the girl is into his “interests and tendencies” and have a weird life no one wants to know about. Like 50 shades of grey. And therefore he has found his TRUE love and can treat her with actual respect. Or maybe like another PP said shes naive/”blind”. Or maybe dealing with the abuse herself and had not dated enough duds to know he is bad news. 

Post # 7
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He’s your ex, so it doesn’t matter. 

Post # 8
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

He may have just met his emotionally-abusive match, likes the taste of his own medicine, and they’ll live out their toxic lives in a toxic relationship that is all either of them have ever know. 

…Or he got therapy and actually rehabilitated himself, but that’s unlikely.

My emotionally abusive (and borderline sexually abusive) ex got engaged after 4 years with the girl he started dating after me. I was keeping tabs on his social media b/c a mutual acquaintance let me know that he moved to the same city I had just moved to. I remember hoping for the girl’s sake that he had reformed, or that she just brought out the best in him, anything other than that he had hoodwinked her into putting up with his BS.

About six months into the engagement, I noticed they were broken up and I reached out (it wasn’t creepy – she and I had met at a mutual friend’s wedding early into their relationship and she and I had been very friendly at the time.) She confessed that he had been exactly the same with her as he had been with me. He would provoke and provoke and provoke her until she blew up, and then gaslight her about how terrible her behavior was, and how she was a terrible person. She also confided he had HIT her multiple times, something he never did to me. I let her know that it wasn’t her, it was him, and that he had been the same with me. She was glad I was able to give her that perspective.

He has since moved on to another girl, and it’s the same thing all over again – nothing but happiness on social media, but now I know better than to hope he’s a better person or partner.

Unfortunately, I think these predatory people are just very good at zero-ing in on women who are – for whatever reason – susceptible to their abuse tactics. 

Post # 9
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 3018

Um maybe he changed!

Post # 10
Member
321 posts
Helper bee

Best advice: Worry about your own life… 

Post # 11
Member
2391 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

anonybee1776 :  Go back to therapy and worry about you not them… this is very odd

Post # 12
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think some bees on this thread are being overly harsh – I understand where you’re coming from.

I have an abusive ex who is somehow getting married next month. My relationship with him ended so badly and was so dramatic and traumatizing due to his drunken/erratic/abusive behavior, that it has taken me a very long time to fully heal. I myself am getting married next year to a new, wonderful guy, but I still deal with baggage from that relationship. It is beyond me how anyone would marry my ex if they truly knew who he was and what he did to me.

He’s either hiding his true self from her, or he has sought intense counseling/therapy for his issues. For her sake, I really hope it is the latter.

Post # 13
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You cannot know what’s happening inside anyone else’s relationship so there isn’t much point in worrying yourself about it. I think you’re doing the most effective thing that you can do which is seeing a therapist and focusing on yourself to figure out why you have the patterns that you have had in past relationships.

Post # 14
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

Do you live in an alternate dimension where most people are nice? Because in my world, most people are quite horrible yet still seem to fall in love and get married. So there’s that…

Post # 15
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Don’t think about it like, “why did he treat me so terribly but not someone else?”

He’s someone else’s problem now and you’re free. 

 

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