(Closed) When another engagement makes you feel oceans apart

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

Its hard to see people that you are close to get engaged while you are still waiting. I understand that feeling, I feel it sometimes. Its like everyone else’s life is playing while your stuck in slow motion or even pause. I just think about other things that I want to do with my life and then try to accomplish them instead of worrying about waiting for an engagement. Its tough but its also a good time to be selfish and do things for yourself. 🙂 

That’s what I do anyway, but if you have a timeline and it goes by then maybe its time to think about moving on. I wouldn’t base your relationship on the relationship of others.

 

Post # 4
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@WaitingweddingBE: I think almost everyoone on this board can relate.  We’ve all felt that way at one point or another.  I, presonally, had almost a nervous breakdown when we have about 8 people get engaged last fall, and since then, wo more have gotten engaged, and 4 have gotten married.  I’ve been in my relationshp the longest of all the ladies I now, and I’m not even engaged, let alone married.  It’s hursts at times when you notice other people being able to move ‘forward’ while you’re still where you’ve been for sometimes years. 

On good days I’m able to just be ahppy with my SO, and not let those storm clouds gather, but as some read last week, there are other times when it just plain hurts and make you doubt yourself.  I don’t think men realize that when another woman is given one of the highest honors someone can give her, when she’s asked to be a man’s wife/potential mother of his childre,/to wear his name (if she chooses)/to be an official part of his family, it makes you wonder, “why not me?”  “Why doesn’t my SO see me as that wonderful?  What am I doing wrong?”  It’s not that you aren’t happy for the other people, or jealous of their ring/status/happiness in the way a two year old is jealous of another kid’s cookie – you feel left out, passed by.  It’s more of an internal longing to be choosen.

And while it’s nice to be able to say you should’t need affirmation from other people about your self worth, we’re all human, and as a social animal that’s preceisely what we do need.  otherwise, we wouldn’t seek out monogamous relationships (even serial cheaters and daters pretend thay want one person, even if it’s just for right now). 

Men tend to see to woman’s disappointment at nt being engaged as a more material thing – they believe, and modern society and bridezillas help with this, that the woman only wants to have a fancy, expensive ring, and big party where she’s the princess/center of attention, and then to take over his life and rule over him (thanks, Hollywood sitcoms).  They can unerstand material envy a bit more readily than a feeling of emotional lacking.  I really don’t think they understand right off that it’s the emotions you want from them, that may be followed up by traditional actions, ie., getting on one knee with a symbol of their comittment, and then taking you hand for all to see that you two are now one. 

I hope you have a better day – I’ve found that helping my friedns with their weddings has heped a little for me, as I know there’s a chance I’ll not make it to a place where I can plan my own – I figure it’s a good experience if I never have it myself, or good training should I get there.

Post # 5
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Isilme: This is one of the most insightful, well-written posts I have ever read on this site. Although I am no longer waiting, this is exactly how I felt when I was, and I wish I could’ve read this back then.

Post # 8
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Floridagirl2010:

@Oneeleven:

Thanks – too bad my typing sucks so much – sorry for the typos, I really need my browser to highlight mispellings.

Post # 9
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

@Isilme: Hey my Texas Sister!!! BRAVO…. I always love your feedback…

as for you

@waitingweddingbe:  I can write a book about waiting and how many times I’ve gone through the “waiting cycle” in just the past 8 months (since I “officially” started waiting) like @isilme said ALL of us can relate. It’s hard to see the good through all the emotions sometimes but there is some reason why you want to marry your SO and even attempted to wait for him to propose. You’re just going through a rough patch right now it’ll pass (just one of the stages of the cycle). I too have had to pull myself out of the waiting depression. It sucks and men just don’t know what they do to us when we have to wait…..it’s emotionally draining and it’s difficult when you know what you want yet it’s in someone else’s hands so you begin to feel insignificant.

Good Luck! I’m pulling for you…..

Post # 10
Member
27 posts
Newbee

@Isilme: Love your response! 

To all: Something I read from my Lulemon shopping bag and I try my best to live like this “Living in the moment could be the meaning of life”. 

 

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I can absolutely relate!!!  During the 5 years we were dating before we got engaged, his sister got engaged/married, his cousin (our age) got engaged and married, a friend from law school got engaged after dating for 6 months and is getting married this May, 3 people in his college class got engaged and married.  It literally felt like EVERYONE was getting engaged and even married before we even got engaged and I was really starting to feel like I wasn’t appreciated.  The thing is, your “timeline” is not everyone else’s and ours is working out perfectly.  Don’t be in a hurry, you have the rest of your life to be married and being married is a lot of work.  Try to remember why you started dating him in the first place and do something for yourself while you’re waiting!

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