(Closed) What to do when bridal party doesn't feel comfortable in your color palette?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 91
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

barbie86 :  The bridal party covering the drinks at the reception is kind of a hilarious way to think about it!!!!!  Because it’s true LOL.

I think that a lot of people in the U.S. think that if you “accept the honor” of being in the bridal party, there are all of these “responsibilities” (think $$$$) that come with it, and if you can’t pony up the cash, you should not accept.  Thank god I have never been in a wedding like that!  I think most of my friends got married before all of this cash outlay stuff started being “required” of wedding parties.  

Post # 92
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

ohitsheragain :   Or that if you agree that you’ll have to pay, as a bridesmaid, you get no say.  Whut? but, how?

Every thread about financial involvement always says that if someone pays for part of your ceremony, you can’t expect them to stay mum about what their cash is being used for…. In this case, it’s not just their cash, it’s also THEIR BODIES… I am having such a hard time with people being thought of as “entitled” because *gasp* they want a say in how their BODIES will be presented and their MONEY will be used. 

 

Post # 93
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

impatient1 :  The point is that what is ok in one place in one circle is not necessarily what’s ok in another place in another circle- much like the cash vs open bar debate. Some people would be aghast that guests would have to “host themselves”; others are not.

In the US, it is generally expected that BMs pay for dresses.   There are exceptions, and some couples do cover this cost. But I would hazard a guess that the vast majority of BMs pay for their own dresses.

Much like how in the UK, in a vast majority of cases the couple does not pay for an open bar.

If WeddingBee wasn’t being so glitchy, I’d make a poll on 4 choices: we covered wedding party attire and alcohol, we covered only alcohol, we covered only attire, we did not cover either. I’d be curious what the breakdown is. My guess would be that the middle two choices would reign.

Post # 94
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I can see arguments on both sides of the open/cash bar. Especially since most people in the UK are saying that alcohol IS provided, you just have to pay basically if you want to get hammered. And everyone can always just choose to not drink, or not drink in excess of the bottles provided. So guests are not having money demanded from them in order to be guests.  

The BMs can not choose to not wear the dress and be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Their status as friend of the bride is apparently contingent on them handing over a few hundred dollars. They have no option of wearing only the dresses provided or not wearing expensive dresses in order to be a bridesmaid. The fact that women in the US routinely treat their friends poorly does not transform poor behavior into decent behavior.

I also think that there is a likely confirmation bias. More people have been to the bigger weddings where the more expensive dresses would be. Less people have been to smaller weddings with either non-matching BMs or BMs with cheaper dresses.  

Post # 95
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

My god this is the exact same problem I had/am having. Following.

South Asian bride and my south asian bridesmaid wants a cobalt blue or fuschia dress.

Post # 96
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP, I think in this situation you either have to offer to pay for the dresses of the women objecting, or drop/replace them as bridesmaids.  So, I’d frame it like this : “ I understand you don’t like my color choices for the bridesmaids dresses.  I appreciate that you are willing to stand up with me on my big day, and because I know you don’t like the dress and won’t get further use out of it, I’d like to offer to pay for all or part of the dress”.

Ive been a bridesmaid three times and every single one of those times the color of the dress was not my preference.  I wouldnt necessarily say they were unflattering on me but definitely not colors that I felt my greatest in.  It still wouldn’t  have ever  occurred to me to ask the bride to change her chosen colors 😮.  I also knew each time upon accepting the role of bridesmaid that I would have to spend money on a dress that I would probably never wear again.  If I couldn’t accept that and pony up for the experience and out of friendship, I wouldn’t have said yes to being a bridesmaid.

Post # 97
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

barbie86 :  Exactly! my point is you being from UK you can’t imagine to ask BMs to pay for their dresses as that is the norm there but you can ask guests to pay for their drinks (cash bar) but I cannot imagine to ask my guests to pay for drinks – thats a big no no for me. Also, that was really nice of you to have open bar which was a courtesy in UK so do some brides in US buy BMs dresses as a courtesy which they do not HAVE to. When you are comparing to US, alcohol might seem cheaper here but it is still not that cheap approx. 6k for 100 ppl (if you are getting your own alcohol, it might be cheaper but then you still have to get licensed bar tender and insurance)

Bottom line is it depends on where you are. What is norm for you depends on where you are. That is why I suggested OP to have a thread for where she is from.

Post # 98
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

ohitsheragain :  well.. first off I didn’t go to prom in 1988, I was still a lil kid so I had zero idea that when people say matching couple would match head to toe lol

Next, I didnt know anyone would take it so literally when I said matching (ofcourse I did not go to prom in 1988!). So to clarify, when I said matching I meant bride would want take a color from the BMs dress or bouquet and tie it to GMs attire (it could be a flower from bouquet in the boutonniere or tie  that goes along with the dresses etc) so that they have a cohesive look.

Lastly, as I already mentioned, just because you do not need cohesive look you cannot expect other people to not want it. That would be so closed minded!!!

Post # 100
Member
6301 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

emeraldsmiley :  $6k for 100 people for open bar is cheap IMO. Our drinks bill (with open bar (some restrictions) was nearly $6k for 60 guests; so the per head cost is almost double, as I said in my first post. It’s a big disparity which IMO accounts for the difference.

If you break it down, the average outlay for the bridal party (outfits alone) in the UK is probably around £150pp, so based on 4 on each side, that’s approx. £1200. Average alcohol cost for drinks during the drinks reception/meal and cash bar is usually around £35-40 a head, so £3-4k, giving a total of £4.6-5.2k, or $5.9-$6.8k. So cost-wise the total outlay on outfits plus alcohol is about the same, but essentially by paying for their outfits in the US the bridal party are helping to subsidise the open bar which I don’t know, I just find odd.

Post # 101
Member
6301 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Apple_Blossom :  yeah I’d be interested to do a similar poll, and also possibly a poll on cost, as I suspect that the per head expenditure is likely very similar in both the UK and US when it comes to alcohol and bridal party outfits.

Post # 102
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

barbie86 :  haha u are still not getting the point. Just cuz it’s cheaper comparatively does not mean it’s cheap. Next we are not trying to have open bar and offset the cost to Bridal Party . if that was so then we would think u are buying the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and trying to offset the cost to guests by making them buy their own drinks. But I dont think so, point is U have to be open minded to understand that Normal is where u are. I m not judging or saying UKs cash bar is bad , it’s norm there – so fine. You do u. Likewise Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses are bought by BMs in US so that’s normal here. No need to say that’s blah blah when u don’t live here to understand the whole picture. Anyway I m dropping this now, can’t explain anymore  lol. Have a nice day!

Post # 103
Member
6301 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

emeraldsmiley :  I’m just pointing out that it basically does offset the cost, as if the Bridal Party didn’t pay for their outfits, couples would find their budgets increasing dramatically and so would likely make cuts eslewhere, and an open bar might well be where they chose to make cuts. I appreciate this is simplistic as obviously culture/traditions play a part, but I’m just pointing out that having the Bridal Party pay for their own outfits increases money available to spend elsewhere ie on the open bar.

The other reason I’m pointing it out is because a lot of bees from the US get super judgemental about cash bars, and to me it makes more sense as I said to have ALL guests dip into their pockets/wallets if they want to get hammered, than it does to ask your ‘best’ friends to shell out potentially hundreds of $ on an outfit. It’s like on the one hand it’s ‘unacceptable’ for guests to be ‘out of pocket’ attending a wedding, provided those guests aren’t in the wedding party where it’s totally acceptable. It just seems hypocritical is all I’m saying.

Post # 104
Member
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

From what I’ve seen it tends to be the bridesmaids that give the bride a hard time about her stylistic choices, who then turn around and get super offended when THEY’re the bride and having THEIR stylistic choices questioned.  

So I’ll give the same advice I gave in the other South-Asian-bridesmaid-worried-about-skintone thread, which is to:

1) Remind her that you wore whatever color she wanted for her wedding without question; OR

2) Reassure her that you will wear whatever color she wants for her wedidng without question.

Whichever one applies.  If neither is applicable, well then it’d be hypocritical to complain about this now.  

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