(Closed) When did wedding etiquette stop?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

My parents didn’t pay for my wedding. My husband and I paid the lion’s share. I don’t know that it was etiquette, as much as it was a tradition. Times change. Couples now want fancier weddings, parents don’t have the money for them (maybe they gave toward college instead, like mine) or the couple doesn’t want to deal with strings attached to any money. 

I don’t think it’s rude at all. In fact, I think it’s rude for the bride or couple to expect that her parents are going to pay for the wedding. 

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

so you are unmarried with children – oh the irony of your question

Post # 5
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I never really thought it was my parents responsibility to derail other savings priorities to pay for me to throw a party. I would imagine this tradition went out the window the same time the middle class started throwing elaborate weddings?  

That said I don’t tho k it’s your responsibility to dress your mother unless she can’t afford to buy anything and you have a problem with her showing up in something she already Owns. 

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think if you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to pay for your own wedding. What’s “rude” is to demand that anyone pay for your life choices. Many brides on the Bee paid their own way and were happy to do so. Those whose weddings were funded by family consider themselves very lucky.

Post # 6
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think this is an issue more of tradition than etiquette.  I found out recently that my parents had planned to pay for my wedding (though never mentioned this), but the thought of having an expensive party and having someone else foot the bill had never really crossed my mind. I think that marriage is something that occurs between two adults and if the parents want to give money towards it as a gift, then fine. However, it is silly to expect that parents should be expected to pay for anything for their adult children since part of being an adult is being financially dependant from the parents.

I think this became more of a common attitude as more couples started to wait until they were older and/or more financially stable before considering getting married.

Post # 7
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@almost mrs:  My Fiance and I are paying for our wedding, out of pocket. No help from parents. I did not even ask my parents, let alone expect that it “should” be done. I hate to seem harsh, but it is not required that anyone pay for your wedding other than you. It is not part of any kind of “etiquette”. It’s tradition for brides’ families to do so that orginates from the time of dowries. If you are unfamiliar with what a dowry is, it was money or lavish gifts paid by the brides father to the grooms family to get the groom to agree to marry the bride. It was a business transaction- the father is literally paying a man to marry his daughter, a marriage arranged by the families, where the bride and groom have no say in the matter. I think you’re a little out of line in saying it violates any kind of etiquette. It does not.

That said, I also do not understand why your mother is expecting you to buy a dress for her. That is her responsibility. 

Post # 8
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I dont think brides parents paying is ettiquete at all. I think there is a tradition there, but its not required. 

It is certainly strange that she wants you to pay for her dress however.

Post # 9
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KatyElle:  Yup.

My parents paid for my college. I considered that their “big” money thing for me and was very, very surprised and extremely grateful when they chipped in a little bit for our wedding.

And the assumption or expectation that the bride’s parents are going to pay is pretty sexist. I don’t think paying for a wedding is really a question of etiquette, but of tradition. Two very different things.

Post # 10
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Are you serious?

Times have changed, dear.  Back when the whole “Bride’s family pays” thing came to be, women were seen as burdens to their families.  Basically, the father was selling his daughter off to her husband so that he would have one less mouth to feed.  This is still practice in some countries where women are viewed as being worthless.  The father pays for the entire wedding and gives a decent dowry.

In a time where women are active in the workforce, and your typical wedding is thousands and thousands of dollars (they weren’t as extravagant in the past), it is unreasonable to expect the bride’s parents to cover the whole thing.  Nowadays, it is a combination of the bride’s parents, groom’s parents, and the bride and groom themselves.  A lot of the time only the bride and groom pay.

It may be rude for your mother to expect you to buy her a dress when you have a wedding to pay for.  But, you have a serious sense of entitlement.

Post # 11
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think it’s always been “okay” for the couple to pay and not the parents. People also didn’t have weddings that cost several thousand dollars, either. Some parents can and some can’t, some choose to and some choose not to. There is no right or wrong. Some of us are lucky that our parents contributed a lot, a little, their presence, etc.

I am over 22 so for at least 22 years my parents knew they had a daughter so why not save up a little towards the wedding? <– This part kind of bugs me. Retirement and all sorts of other financial responsibilities are more important than a wedding. It’s great that you are, I am assuming, planning on doing that for you and your FI’s kids. However, it’s not the “norm” anymore and should not be expected. Your statement comes off a little bratty. There are lots of other major things for people to prepare for.

As far as your mother, she is ALSO out of line. You do not need to pay her way, you don’t need to pay the way of your attendants (unless you choose to or you ask a lot of them financially, other circumstances, etc) but you certainly don’t need to pay for a dress for your mother. However, that isn’t “expected.” I think that’s just your own mom being off-base.

 

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Roe:  Neither of our families contributed to our wedding, so we got married at the courthouse. I suppose a “Platinum Wedding” would have been nice, but it wasn’t happening in this lifetime. We’re expecting baby #2 now and we’ve already paid for everything we need. We’re both old enough to fund our own choices. My parents have always been very generous, but at this stage in the game, it’s their turn to save for retirement after 3 kids.

Post # 13
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Funding the wedding is solely the responsibility of the couple. It’s great when parents chip in but it’s absolutely not necessary. The fact that you expect your parents to pay for your wedding when you already have children is a little crazy to me. You’re very much an adult. If you want a wedding, pay for it yourself.

Wth that said, your mother is incorrect in thinking that paying for her attire is your responsibility. That’s definitely something that she should cover herself. 

Post # 14
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Yeah I’m finding it odd that a (presumably) 40-something woman with her own kids and parents (again, assumably) at or over retirement age are expected to foot the bill. I wouldn’t pay for my mother’s dress, but expecting her to pay for my wedding when I should already be well-established? No way. 

I think it’s exceptional to find parents who will completely pay for a child’s wedding anymore, and even more rare to find that when the couple getting married are over 30

Post # 15
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@KatyElle:  Uh… Have we swapped avatars on anybody else’s screen??  So weird!

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