(Closed) When did you begin to think of it as "our money"?

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 17
Member
7658 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I do know what you mean because I occasionally felt like that during college. By that point we had already been together for over two years and were talking about an engagement. I always felt a little weird when he loaned me money because he was always very insistent about receiving it all back down to the last dollar. However, even though I felt strange about it I did understand his side.

I didn’t think of it as our money until we actually dumped everything into one account. Prior to sharing an account we lived together for one year. During that year everything was still pretty much split up. I knew he would pay for something if I needed it I still had to ask as I didn’t have access to his accounts or credit card.

Post # 18
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

SO and I still have separate finances and we have lived together for over 2 years. Yes, there have been times where one or the other of us didn’t have the money on hand to pay for something (not really anymore, but when we first lived together) and the other would cover it. Until very, very recently, we were hyper vigilant about paying each other back. Now, it has gotten to the point where (besides rent), we just kind of pay whatever falls into our laps. The electric bill is in my name, so I get the mail for it – and I pay it. The cable bill is in his name, so he pays it. It just became too much of a pain to be asking each other for x amount every couple of weeks. We plan to formally combine finances when we get engaged.

I think your boyfriend is absolutely right to consider any money he gives you right now a loan, with the expectation that you pay him back. You don’t even live together yet, so it’s totally reasonable, in my opinion, to have completely, 100% separate finances. You should definitely talk about this before you move in together, though.

Post # 19
Member
5237 posts
Bee Keeper

We did not combine finances until we were married, due to his having a military account that I wasn’t eligible to be on until after we were already married. Anyways– what sticks out to me is the fact that he is still living rent and bill free for the most part. I wouldn’t be comfortable combining or sharing finances with someone who has such limited responsibilities. Money can be a major stressor, and you want to make sure you’re both on the same wavelength. If you’re planning on moving in together in January, I would wait and slowly intergrate some finances after a while.


It started to feel like ours really quickly because we had gone a while having it separated, but communicating A LOT about what was in account X or Y. Once we combined them, it wasn’t like either of us went on a huge shopping spree, we already knew the spending habits and we haven’t had any money fights at all in our relationship. 

 

Post # 20
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Honestly? We bought a condo after 5 years together and still split all bills down the middle until the day we got married. If he bought groceries, I’d give him the cash for half. If we went on a real DATE, he might stop me from pulling out my wallet to be a gentleman, but that’s it. Only now that we’re married do we have a joint account and finally see it as one “pool” of money that we pull from. Money makes things messy, and there’s nothing wrong with keeping it separate for as long as possible. 

Post # 21
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I used to loan my DH money when he wasn’t doing well last year… and he knew it was a loan… whenever the amount was building up.. I would just request I wanted something and he would pay for it… example… I had Lasik surgery in December and didn’t pay for it… He still owes me 1,500usd which I told him I will just not pay that amount on my 1/2 of bills towards the car.

You just have to be clear… when I say I loan you ___ I expect it back.. when I say here I’m inviting or w/e.. then it’s a gift… Just be clear..

Post # 22
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

When Fiance was still just my “boyfriend”, he moved across the country to live with me. We started sharing our money that first week. However, we also knew that we wanted to get married, so I think that’s why it was so easy for us.

I completely understand when couples loan each other money. I think it’s a safe thing to do and also to help you guys stay independent.

Post # 23
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Probably when we moved in together, which was soon after we started dating. I had a little debt still (after paying off a ton myself), and he paid it off saying that it’s silly to have debt in our relationship. That made me feel really like we were a team. We make a budget together but have separate accounts since we were both financially established long before we got together. We’ll likely open a joint account when we marry, and I might get a joint credit card under his account (but still keep an existing card solely in my name) since we buy plane tickets with the points, and me spending on it too would help us earn the points faster. He’s better with money and manages the finances so I don’t get too hung up on it all, all I really care about is that we get to go on holidays and spend my “fun” money lol. He worries about the important stuff. We make all major financial decisions together, though.

Post # 24
Member
10354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It wasn’t “our money” until we had legal protection in place to give us rights to each other’s money – ie, marriage.

Post # 25
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would stay about a month or two into our relationship. Things happened very abruptly and fast for the two of us, so we were living together 2 weeks after we met. In the beginning we both went through periods where she was the only one working, the I was, then we both were, then back to only she was, so early on we had to lean on one another in order to survive. For the past 3 years I’ve stayed at home with our kids and she is the only one working. We’ve never really had a problem with money though. We don’t have any of it, so there isn’t anything to fuss about! We do things together and talk about purchaces together. Money is the one thing we have never fought about. 

Post # 27
Member
3567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

One thing caught my eye, the part when you said he needs it back. When I moved in with my parents for about a year. I didn’t have rent to pay so I used that time to pay off my credit card debt and save for a down payment. If he has things he needs to pay off or is saving up then I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect to get a pass.

 

Second some people like to wait until they are engaged or married to combined money.

 

I think you guys should eventually have a talk about money, its quite possible he may not want to combine things.

 

 

 

As for me, I have my money, my husband has his, and we also have our money.

 

We have joint savings, joint checking we use for mutual goals. Also he has been investing for me.

 

Whatever you guys decide to do, communication is key, and realizing that things change so your how you handle your money down the road will.

 

All I can say is I know people in family who have been married for 25-30 plus years and I asked for advice and found some combined others didn’t, but the key was being on the same page, having the same goals, and being clear about debt and spending.

 

Post # 28
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Oh and to add… my ex would talk about loaning money, and it made me feel awful. He was a jerk that was in MASSIVE debt, though… like he tried to get me to take over payments for his vehicle so he could get another one. That sorta thing felt really shady to me. He definitely kept score, too. I am so glad that my Fiance isn’t like this. Ex and I were living together at the time. I am not sure your bf is doing this to be malicious, I think he’s just young and hasn’t gotten to the point where he’s thought about combining finances since you don’t live together yet. You should talk to him about it. Finances are difficult to discuss, but trust me… it’s better to discuss them than ignore them. My parents divorced due to finances. My last relationship thankfully ended due to finances… it’s a problem in a lot of couples.

Post # 30
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I don’t have much advice because we don’t live together and don’t share money but the point I want to make is that I don’t think we will ever share money. My bf makes a crap load more than me. He is not happy with joining our finances. He is extremely generous and takes care of me financially and said he will happily pay all out joint bills when we move in together and can split food or something but does not want a joint account. He said he believes that’s whete things get messy and causes fights. If I say I want or need something he buys it for me. He buys extra drinks when we are out and taxied etc. I treat him to dinner etc when I can. So I can’t really complain about no joint account. I had a relationship before for all money was merged and hated it so to be honest I’m really happy to let him take over bills etc. 

Post # 31
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m only just now starting to think of it as our money. We’ve lived together for 15 months now. When I first moved in to the home he already owned, we tried to do 50/50 for awhile. I paid the house bills and then gave him a check for enough so that we’d both be paying 50% of the mortgage and bills. Then we traded off buying other things like groceries and dinners out. But lately there’s been so many random things. Wedding stuff, furniture and stuff for the house, travel, gifts for friends/family. I got tired of thinking about who’d paid what and how much. So now I just give him a little each paycheck and he pays the mortgage, I pay the house bills. And the rest is paid by whoever feels like it. No keeping tabs. It seems to work out that I pay a lot of the little things here and there like groceries and trips to Home Depot. And he pays for the bigger chunks like plane tickets and having the furnace serviced. Whoever feels less broke at the moment offers to pay. Haha. Eventually we’ll combine accounts. We were going to wait until after the wedding but the way things are going I’m thinking it makes more sense to do it now. 

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