(Closed) When did you begin to think of it as "our money"?

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 32
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LadyBlackheart:  it became our money when we got married. I wouldn’t even share any account until then. We had mutually agreed upon saving goals and spending habits once we started living together but there’s a big difference between that and “our” money before the legal protections of marriage are in place. 

Post # 33
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

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@housebee:  +1 


I don’t really know if we consider our money “our money”. We have separate accounts, and I pay for my gas, my lunch, etc. However, my boyfriend pays all of our bills. We kind of consider it our money but we still have separate accounts. For instance, we needed to get my dog a new toy today. He just paid rent yesterday, so he was tight on cash, so I paid for the toy. No big deal. It’s our money, in separate accounts. However, he knew it’d be like this for a while, coming into the relationship. He knew he’d graduate before me, and he knew he’d have a job before I had a full time serious job. For now, he works full time, and I’m in school.

Post # 34
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LadyBlackheart:  I’ve started to consider it our money but its more complicated than that….

I have way more money than Fiance so about a year ago I started to “loan” him money which he alway paid back. THe last loan for about $800 he hasnt. I dont want to ask bc we’ll be married in a month and it’s our money but I wish he would offer.

I think it really depends on what the money is for, is it for him to buy a flight to visit his friends? Bc thats really all him then and I should get paid back. Otherwise it’s like asking “Daddy” for spending money

That said, once we’re married then its OUR money with the understanding that a % will also go into seperate saving accounts.

I guess the loan thing before marriage to me is fine. You can loan $ without knowing what it will be spent for, or when it’s spent on something just for one person but I think out of respect it shoukld be paid back.

Post # 35
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I still don’t and we have been married a few weeks now. I would never have joined finances before marriage. That can be disasterous. Also, I cannot stand the thought of a man supporting me, even of he is my husband. I worked hard to be where I am and am too proud to give any of that up. I make slightly more than he does, to put things in perspective. 

Post # 36
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

We started to combine finances when we moved in together about 2 years ago. But we already see it as “our” money. The one thing I learned is to not hold money against each other and I know both of feel anything we buy is a joint cost. We both pick up any costs we can like groceries, gas for either car, bills. We currently have seperate checking and shared savings but we both know exactly where all our money is at, credit cards, loans, etc. We are also both open about what we are spending. 

We will probably join our checking accounts at some point to make it more formalized after we are married in November. We just thought it would be easier to wait till after my name is changed. 

Post # 37
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

we are planning to open our first joint bank account with the money gifted at the wedding.  then using that account as a joint savings acct that we each will contribute to each paycheck, towards a down payment on a house.   not sure if it will all go as smooth as it sounds, but we’re both pretty open with our money and take turns treating each other to things all the time so I’m sure it will be fine.  

Post # 38
6109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LadyBlackheart:  If not married and living seprately, I’d consider it separate money.


But if you’re living together, engaged to be married or married, and have merged finances and put each other as beneficiaries on your stuff – then it really seems like “ours” at that point. 


However, I did not change my BF to my beneficiary until we were at least engaged and living together.


I think you can still bring up how you two will do finances when a) living togehter, b) engaged, c) married. H and I had a plan for every stage of the relationship.  In fact I highly recommend talking about how you’d deal with finances in the future when the situation changes.

Post # 39
2957 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We do not and we are not planning to. We have a joint savings account for major home repairs, etc. Other than that, we have separate checking accounts and will be keeping it that way. I pay certain bills and so does he.

Post # 40
1227 posts
Bumble bee

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@LilRhodyGem:  same here. The only money that is our money to me is money gifted to us for our wedding. I’ve been self sufficient since I was 18. I like having my own money and if I can’t afford it, well I guess I don’t get it.

Post # 41
2830 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We have been together for 7 years and just recently it became “our” money, sort of. We have two savings accounts, anything left over after bills and our own allowance to ourselves for food, gas, whatever goes into the savings accounts. We don’t have joint checking, I have mine and he uses cash. But if either of us needs money, has an unexpected expense, we draw from our own money and each other’s.

Post # 42
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@mrspinesol:  we kind of do it like you.

While were in the early stages of dating I had my own apt, paid all my own bills. Then my Fiance, then bf, moved in with me, soon after I lost my job. So he took over paying everything including my student loans. Now I have a decent job but I have credit debt (from being unemployed) and student loans. My cc debt is almost paid off since I’ve been paying them off for a while. My Fiance pays all our house bills for the condo we rent from my aunt. He pays for our groceries and car insurance too. He has literally no bills and I have tons, so it makes the most sense.

We don’t keep track of loaning money or anything. We have never been like that. I feel it’s a recipe for disaster. It was always like can you pay the rent? Ok then I will buy the groceries this week and pay this bill. Now once my cc are paid off,  I will be saving for our wedding. After the wedding we(I) will be saving for a house. I will open a separate act specifically for the wedding/house savings with a portion of my pay going automatically in it each paycheck. That’s kinda how it works best for us. 

We have two accounts, my checking and savings which is really our joint savings that hardly has anything in it =( then Fiance has an account that was supposed to be for our bills only. He doesn’t want to open another act for himself bc he doesn’t think there’s a point since there’s not a whole lot left over after our bills. I manage our finances as well as my own, which is really stressful at times.

Post # 43
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

After we got married and moved in together.

We opened a joined account when we were engaged and saving for the wedding, so we could both deposit money into that account. After we got married, that became “our checking account” that we use for all bills, grocery, eating out, etc. & also joined savings account.

We kept our own separate checking accounts and still allocate some discretionary money to it (less than $500 a month each). He doesn’t need to know how much I spend on Amazon, nights out with my friends; I don’t need to know how much he spends on video games or when he’s out with his friends. That system works for us.

When we have kids, we will most likely drastically reduce our fun personal budgets.

Post # 44
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  I wouldn’t worry about still having your money seperate. My Fiance and I have been living together for years (engaged a few months now) and it has only really been since getting engaged that i’ve thought of it as ‘our money’.

We still have completely seperate bank accounts and split all the bills (smaller things we don’t worry about splitting, one person will just pay) but if one of us makes a big purchase that is for both of us, the other will still give half back.

We’ve talked about joining our bank accounts so many times but to be honest have just never bothered, we’ll do it before the wedding but it doesn’t worry me as I do now think of his money as mine and vice versa.

That said, if you guys aren’t living together yet it’s understandable that you would pay him back. It’s a pretty big deal to entrust someone with your money and you theirs, wait until you’ve settled in together and figured out how things will work and go from there. There’s no rush and if you do stay together, the money you’re paying back will be both of yours eventually anyway!

Post # 45
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t actually know. It was gradual, and eventually we just talked about it explictly to make sure we were on the same page.

It just got to a point where “Oh don’t worry hon, I already paid the hydro bill for you, no you don’t have to pay me back by getting the phone bill this month, don’t be silly! I did them both earlier today, it was just easier… anyway remember when you covered the rent when I was job seeking?” just got… silly.

A good kind of silly I guess, but the kind of silly that makes you realize you’ve pretty much already merged worlds.

By The Way, don’t know how long you’ve been with your guy, but we were together 5 years before getting engaged, and I guess we fully “merged financial worlds” like a year before that (so 4 years in?) ..there was a point where it was like “Yeah so the blueberries I picked up for you were $5, no rush or anything, just letting you know.” Give it time.

Post # 46
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@LadyBlackheart:  I am not sure when, but it was definitely before we got engaged.  We even opened a joint account together before we were engaged because I guess we just knew we were going to get married at some point.  My husband always randomly paid for things for me given that I was only 18 when we got together and he was almost 27.  I think once we opened the joint account and got engaged I started thinking of it as “our money.”  We share absolutely everything thought, and it works out wonderfully.  I make more than he does, and it makes no difference to me.  What’s mine is his, and what’s his is mine.  We have been together 7 years.  

I do not think you are being greedy.  I would probably feel the same way.  

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