(Closed) When did you begin to think of it as "our money"?

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 47
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

My Fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and he often gives me money to help me pay for gas, takes me out to eat, pays for me to go wherever we go. I always feel a little bad about him always having to pay double… but the truth is, if he didn’t help me I wouldn’t be able to go. I’m a student at the moment and without a job. He knows I don’t have any intention of paying him back because its already countless… and because I will have a very great job right when we get married. When we are married, we are definitely considering it our money. OUR money will be used to pay off his truck, pay off my student loans, etc. Right now it is definitely HIS money, and he is just doing me a huge favor by always helping me out. 

 

I think I would feel a small smigeon disappointed if I was you, but I would try to get over it fast, especially since you make more money than him. Consider it “our” money when you get married. 

 

Post # 48
Member
9120 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

We were together for a LOOOONG time (like 10 years) before it became “our money”.  We would happily cover small things for each other, but big things (like several months’ rent if one of us was in school or whatever) would always be paid back.  It wasn’t until we got bought a house and then got engaged after like 11-12 years together that we just thought of it as communal money.  

You can be head over heels in love and feel like a permanent team for life, but still keep separate finances. Don’t take it personally 🙂

Post # 49
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

We don’t live together yet, but it’s already “our” money, not his and mine.  I feed him regularly so he helps with groceries.  We have a joint savings account for the wedding and for start-up living expenses when we move in together in December so that is DEFINITELY our money, but even otherwise …. I mean, for example, he makes 3-4 times what I do and I got a speeding ticket a few weeks back.  He said “I can pay that if you don’t have enough.  I don’t want you pinching pennies for the rest of the pay period.”  I could pay for it myself, though, so I did but it was very generous of him.

I think my feelings would be hurt in your situation too, OP, but this is going to sound harsh: I don’t think a “just” boyfriend you don’t live with has any obligation to help you financially.  =/

Post # 50
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

About 3 months into our relationship.

Post # 51
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

I started thinking of it as “our money” about a year into our relationship (a few months before getting engaged), when we started very concretely talking about the future. I started thinking about how my financial choices would affect us in the long run. If my Fiance needed money, I would give it to him without hesitation or expectation of repayment (and vice versa). We are a team and we take care of each other. We’ve always taken turns paying for meals out, movie tickets, toiletries, etc. To me, it just doesn’t matter who’s paying, even if we don’t have a joint account yet. 

Post # 52
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

as soon as we got engaged, it was our money. this is why i was okay paying for the engagement ring while he was unemployed. i had to convince him though (he felt guilty) that if my money is our money, then it’s like he is paying for it too.

reading your post, i only saw instances when he was giving you money. you wanted his money to be ‘our’ money. but… nothing about you giving him anything or your money also being ‘our’ money. 

besides… right now you don’t share any financial burdens with each other while living apart. people don’t start thinking of each other’s money as couple money until their financial states actually affect each other in a more significant way.

Post # 53
Member
3206 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Having my BF/FH/DH “loan” me money wouldn’t sit well with me.

My FH and I didn’t completely join finances until we lived together, but we have always been very generous with money. If either one of us needed something and couldn’t afford it, the other would step in without question. I had a very good job when we were in school and would pay for almost everything, including basic commuting/living costs for the both of us. That resulted in my FH graduating with very little school debt. 

We do what we can to support each other since we share successes. His financial well being is mine, and vice versa.

Post # 54
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

We combined checking/savings accounts after about a year of living together (3.5 years dating). We aren’t engaged yet, but we’ve had enough conversations over the years where we both felt comfortable trusting each other financially. My parents actually lent him a considerable amount of money to go to grad school, so the fact they trusted him so much made me trust him even more too. I totally get what you mean about it feeling more like a team if you don’t have to ask for or have money lended to you. If you feel like you’re at that point in your relationship where you want to have it become “our” money, it doesn’t hurt to talk to him about it and explain your rationale! 

Post # 55
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
@melizabe:  That is a great post!  I love the I-can-wear-pants-but-I-don’t-have-to mentality!

My Fiance and I combined finances officially when we finished college and moved in together, which was almost two years before we got engaged (we lived together in student housing during our grad school and kept things separate).  Even in grad school, though, we basically thought of it as our money.  We’d check in with eachother before we spent anything.

Now both of our paychecks go into one account, and everything comes out of it, from bills to my student loans (just finished paying them off yesterday-woo hoo!), to fun money.  We put the left overs in a joint savings.  It just seems easier that way.  However, we make almost the exact same amount, so I think that makes it easier.  He spends money more easily than me, and he says he likes that haivng it as our money makes him stop and think before he makes a purchase.  It also helps him convince me that I deserve to have some fun sometimes!

Back before living together, I “loaned” him money a few times.  I never kept tabs on it because I knew someday it would all be our money.  He paid some back, but I don’t think all of it.  It didn’t and doesn’t matter to me at all.  During this time, we also had a joint savings account to save up for vacations.

We are very very big on the idea that we are a team!

OP, I felt like we were weird for how joint we were before raelly moving in together or being engaged, but it worked for us.  I think the time will come and it will feel right!

Post # 56
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

My husband and I have been together a total of 6.5 years (and married for 5.5 of those years). To this day we keep everything separate. We each have our own bank accounts, credit cards, etc. We pay our own bills but there are a few things he covers & a few things I cover. It doesn’t work for everyone but it just works better for us to keep things separate. That way we are each accountable for our own money & never have to explain to the other why we spent money one something. We do always discuss any big purchases beforehand but otherwise to each their own.

Post # 57
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee

@LadyBlackheart: I think that your boyfriend lending you money and expecting to be paid back is normal if you are not engaged or married.  Some married couples don’t even share money, so don’t feel badly. I think that it may become “our money” for you two over time, as your trust in each other grows and/or you become more comitted. 

My fiancé has always been generous, but I only started thinking of it as “our money” after we got engaged and began planning the wedding. Now that we have committed to forever, I am slowly growing more comfortable spending money that I would not have felt comfortable spending before.

Money sharing for us started small back when we were dating with me buying him clothes with his credit cards, grabbing groceries, etc. It has grown to where the vast majority of all bills are in his name, and I know he really means it when he says anything I need can go on his credit card, especially if it’s wedding related. He is okay with giving me full reign, because he knows I am blessed to make my own good money and that I would never take advantage of him. We have the required level of trust for true money sharing, and I thank God for blessing me with a trustworthy and generous fiancé. 

I do give him money for bills sometimes, although he neither wants it or asks for it. I just like to contribute because I can, and feel blessed to be able to do so.  I think it amuses him when I offer him money, because it is a rather sporadic event without apparent cause, but he politely accepts my check with a smile. I supported myself until the age of 31, so the old habits of this independent woman have been slow to die in many ways. He understands that. The thought of staying home for a few years when/if I have kids still scares me a bit, but I’ll get there mentally eventually. 

Post # 58
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years.  We have lived togther for two years of that time.  We set up a joint checking account and joint savings when we began living together.  We have already decided that we are a committed, long-term couple. (We recently decided, after a lot of discussion, that in our case that commitment is not going to take the form of a marriage.  We will likely have a celebration of love/commitment/party to help our families understand our relationship, but we both are too uncomfortable with the entire wedding industrial complex and the institution of marriage to participate in either of those things.)  For all intents and purposes, we are living our lives as if we are a married couple, and have been for a couple of years now; if we were to suddenly get married (which we will not, but let’s entertain the hypothetical notion for the sake of this example), the way that we live our lives (and handle our finances) would not change, except in that it would change our filing status for tax purposes.

And we still do not consider all of our money “our money.”  We each maintain separate bank accounts in addition to our joint account.  Our respective paychecks are deposited into our separate bank accounts.  We then each take an agreed-upon amount (or more, if we feel like it) and transfer it to the joint accounts, to use for shared household costs and bills.  Our separate accounts remain our individual discretionary funds, and we each decide how we will spend them.  And if, for some reason, one of us runs short on cash in our personal accounts, or the joint checking needs some extra funds in it, we will move additional funds around as needed.  So we each have (private) discretionary funds as well as (non-private) shared funds. 

 

Post # 59
Member
6734 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Fiance and I moved in together after 6 months. We had separate accounts for a while and then one day we went and opened a joint savings account. Sometime around that time (a little before the joint savings account) was when it started to feel like ‘our’ money – because we had a common goal to save for (hence opening the joint savings acct) and it didn’t matter where the money was coming from, we were a team, living together and working towards the same thing.

I think it’s different with you. I would say that your BF is being really smart about it by asking for the money back. I don’t think he’s being cheap and I’m not saying your feelings aren’t validated (well, you shouldn’t feel greedy). But, maybe he’s saving up for a little something-something for your ring finger and can’t do it if he’s constantly giving you (and not loaning you) money? I mean, he might have his own goals and since the two of you don’t live together yet, not necessarily just a ring, but his own savings goals.

I don’t think Fiance and I would have pooled our money so early on in our relationship if not for the fact that we were moving fast, knew we wanted to marry each other, lived together, and were both working on moving out of NY asap (which costs a LOT to move states).

ETA: He’s been unemployed since we moved here – I have supported us this entire time and tried very hard not to throw the money situation in his face (“my money” etc) even though sometimes I get frustrated bc it is MY money that *I* am working for and I don’t actually get to use it the way *I* want to bc I’m covering BOTH of our expenses, BUT – that’s life, it means a better future for us – and now that he has a job, we’re putting all our money into the same account (direct deposit) and we’re going to try to use one salary to pay the bills and one salary to save, but it will be BOTH of ours.

Hope this all helps..

 

Post # 60
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Everyone is different. We live together and have been together for three years and still do our own thing with money. Honestly, I’d probably be uncomfortable if he considered it ours before we were engaged. (If you plan on getting married that is).

I was actually miffed that we didn’t combine after we moved in or after we got engaged, but I’m over it. I hear too many horror stories.

Post # 61
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

We started sharing some money when we moved in. We share all money now that we are married. 

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