Post # 1
I’ve been with my SO for almost 4 years (our anniversary is late March). We’ve talked about marriage briefly here and there, and he definitely wants to get married, but we haven’t discussed it seriously lately. I kind of struggle bringing it up, because I don’t want him to feel like I’m pressuring him into anything. At the beginning of our relationship, I was 20 years old, going on 21, and I told him I wouldn’t wait longer than 5 years (oh, how I’m regretting that long-ass time frame now! Lol)
I know he’s trying to grow in his career and build up his finances. He’s extremely responsible and level-headed, so I get that he’s trying to get his life to a point that he feels good about before marriage. I’m also struggling to lose weight and I guess I have some body image issues that I should get sorted out before marriage, but I don’t know if that’s either here nor there. Overall I’m pretty happy with where I am in life right now when it comes to money and stuff, I just need to work on my physical self.
Anyway, with our 4th anniversary approaching, I’m struggling to remember when I stopped being happy with just being a girlfriend, and started getting this nagging feeling of waiting for something that I have no idea when it will come. I definitely don’t want to rush him, and he knows 5 years is my maximum (we have talked about this in depth). If next year comes around and there’s still no proposal we definitely won’t be resigning our lease together.
Even still, I’m struggling with waiting because I feel like at 25(me) and 29(him) he should be able to commit NOW.
Am am I just being a brat? When did you stop being happy with being “just a girlfriend” and officially cross over into “waiting world” / “limbo-land”?
Post # 2
When A) the relationship is so bad that my partner and I can’t communicate about serious topics like our future, B) my partner disrespects me by not “allowing” me to talk to him about my/our future, or C) my partner and I have a discussion about the future that reveals that we aren’t compatible in terms of next steps.
All of the above things will most likely lead to a break up, not an engagement.
Post # 3
We had been together about a year and a half and went to look at stones/rings with a jeweler. He told me that he would take it from there. I ended up waiting another 6 months and we got engaged on our 2 year anniversary.
I think it greatly depends on how old you are when you begin dating to determine when you should be getting impatient. I know plenty of people who met very young and waited a long time to get engaged/married because they wanted to get their life set on the right path, first. Some of my best friends waited 8 years because they met in college. To each their own. Every person and every relationship is different.
Post # 4
i went from happy gf to “waiting” at about 4 years. I also think it depends on your age and expectations.
Post # 5
TBH, none of the above. My philosophy was that after completing education, starting a career and assuming financial independence, I would expect to know how serious the relationship is, where it’s heading, and approximately when by about a year. That doesn’t have to mean an imminent engagement, but the couple should clearly be on the same page.
However, you were quite young when you first met. Young adults continue to grow and mature well into their twenties. I don’t think four or five years was an unreasonable time line in your case at all.
Post # 6
My Fiance and I were also quite young when we met, and it was about 3.5 years in that I started becoming restless about just being a girlfriend. I was also making a lot of life changes at that time to fister our future together, which may have been a part of it. We got engaged a month before our 4th anniversary.
I say don’t feel like you can’t talk to him or need to be quiet about the whole thing. Communicate. You don’t want him to wake up one day and find you’re extremely resentful at him for not proposing when he never knew how much it was hurting you. Best of luck!
Post # 7
I probably starting getting a little antsy and feeling like I was waiting around year 6. My husband (then-boyfriend) was trying to figure out stuff career and school-wise. We thought he might need to do an internship that would probably be on the other side of the country and even though we both felt ready to get engaged just wanted to have his career path figured out before getting engaged.
Once he bought the ring though I went right back to content girlfriend. He waited 6 months (for various reasons) after buying the ring to propose but I didn’t feel like I was waiting or at least I wasn’t worried about it once he had the ring.
ETA: I think the fact that we always very openly communicated about engagement/marriage timeline helped with me not being worried about him not proposing. I was always a part of the conversation and a part of the decision about when it would happen. 6 years of being in the dark and not talking about it would have been awful!
Post # 8
I never felt like I was waiting, we had a clear timeline and communicated pretty openly.
Post # 9
Marriage isn’t something that just comes to you. It’s a decision two people make. You are half of the equation. He is not a delicate hothouse orchid. He will not faint like a goat under the ‘pressure’ of having an adult discussion about your shared future.
If he doesn’t propose by next year, you won’t resign your lease. Does he know that? Or must he consult his Magic Decoder Ring?
If you can’t communicate openly and freely about the future of your relationship, you ought not to be considering marriage.
Talk to him. See if your timelines mesh. If not, what can be negotiated? No expecting him to read your mind and no hint dropping.
Post # 10
weddingmaven : well that makes me feel a bit better about my initial expectations. I definitely always told everyone who asked when we were getting married that I wanted to wait until I graduated from college. He’d already graduated. I know we’re still young, and I shouldn’t be getting so antsy so soon. I think I’ve just let a lot of these “waiting” posts get to me when people say that a man knows if he wants to be with you way sooner than 5 years, you know? And I’d honestly be quite disappointed if he dragged it out until the very last possible second…
Post # 11
sassy411 : I agree completely. I’ve been thinking about bringing it up soon, perhaps closer to our anniversary. Maybe soon after. He’s been studying really hard for a professional certification to further his career, so I’ve been biting my tongue so I don’t stress him out right now! I don’t typically have a hard time communicating with him about things, but for some reason marriage just seems like such a tough topic for men and I don’t want to seem like a nag. I know he wants to get me a nice ring (we’ve looked a few times, nothing serious—but he’s got expensive taste and wants to get me something nice) and that’s expensive, so I don’t want him to feel pressured financially.
Post # 12
Shortly after our two year anniversary we had a really good talk about our relationship and our future and decided together to get engaged by our third anniversary. We had been doing the “when we get married”/“when we have kids” type of talk for awhile by then but that was the first formal talk about a timeline. So I would say I started officially waiting at two years.
I started to get antsy about half way through though lol, mostly because I was excited/anxious/super duper ready. He proposed at the end of December and our anniversary is in April so I didn’t have to wait too much longer!
We are 28(almost 29) & 30 currently and will be 30 & 31(almost 32) when we get married.
Post # 13
We dated for seven years but I would only consider myself waiting the last four months or so. And even then, I wasn’t impatiently waiting or anything, it was just the point at which I was okay with getting engaged. I was in a long academic program the whole time we were dating and we wanted that to be over before getting engaged. The program ended in May and he proposed in September.
Post # 14
Before I met (and seriously started dating) my Boyfriend or Best Friend, marriage nor kids had even crossed my mind. All of my friends had the pinterest wedding boards but honestly it all kind of bored me. We started talking about marriage at the year and a half ish mark and then once he suggested we go look at rings together, I was infatuated and ever since then it’s been a really open and great conversation that we talk about often.
I’ve really only gotten antsy the past couple of months though because I know its happening soon! As another bee said, we had a really open time line and I’ve known for about a year now that it was going to happen in about this time frame. It hasn’t made me any less antsy, but it’s definitely helped with the impatient part (if that makes sense).
Some advice I have for you if this conversation if fairly new, is to have grace. A couple of months ago, my SO felt the magnitude of this life event and we had a really honest discussion about the subject. He voiced some doubts and things he’d like for us to work on, and if you don’t have some grace it can be a hard pill to swallow to look at your relationship objectively while on the “waiting” high. So basically if your SO expresses doubts or things he’d like to work on, just breath 🙂
Post # 15
The end of not caring about getting engaged was around the 3 year mark. Although he’s 6 years my senior, I feel it’s quite unfair to say age determines this, because I think it’s maturity and not age – which differs from person to person. I started getting annoyed when he wouldn’t talk to me around 23 years of age. I knew I wanted to be married anytime after 25-30, so we should at least KNOW if we wanted eachother at that age.
Fast forward to December 2017, aged 24, we FINALLY had THE chat.That was 4.5 years into our relationship I approach 25 in May, we now know we will marry in 2021 when I pass my masters (therapeutic psychology takes 3yrs in uk). So it’s been a long and winding road to reach an idea of when and how long. For numerous reasons.
Anyday now he could propose, but I’ll be damned if I wait another 2 years for it. Lol.