(Closed) When did you have the “Where are we going” Talk?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We didn’t have the talk. I can’t speak for my Fiance as to why he never brought up a talk, but for me, I just…knew. It never crossed my mind that we’d have to sit down and talk about the future and see if the relationship was headed in a forward-moving direction. It just was on the course by itself and we followed it along and maybe steered it once-in-a-blue-moon. About seven-months in random, spur of the moment future talks began, but it wasn’t a sit-down-on-purpose kind of thing. It just flowed.

I think every relationship is different because of the people involved. Maybe you guys need to have a sit down/game plan type of talk. Maybe your Boyfriend or Best Friend, being comfortable and laid-back, is viewing things as OK and on track. But, if you need clarification, then, by all means, ask.

Post # 4
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sitting down and telling him how you feel can’t hurt. Being honest about what you want is probably best. 

Post # 5
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think, from where you guys are right now, it’s extremely reasonable to have this discussion. Have his thoughts on the future ever come up?

I put this off for a long time with my Fiance (then BF) because I was always afraid the conversation would lead to a breakup. And it probably would have, but delaying did the same thing, with added resentment over time. (long story about how we eventually got back to Boyfriend or Best Friend then Fiance.)  

My point being, if you’re thinking about this question now, it’s 100% best to bring it up in the very level way you do here – you’re not pushing for an engagement next week, but you can’t make certain life choices without knowing if you’re going to include him in them.

Post # 6
Member
5211 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hm, well, with my husband we did not really have an official “talk”. We just sort of had an open and honest relationship where we talked about these things regularly and openly as they came to mind. So, it flowed, but it was not like we sat around just “hoping” the other would say something or something would happen, either, nor did we ever have to have a “talk” specifically about where things were going. We remained flexible and when things came up that would affect each other and the relationship we would talk about them as we did with anything else. We were both older when we met, and both learned from past experience that it was always better to talk than to not!

So, for example, after we had been dating for five or so months, my now-husband was taking an early retirement from the military and wanted to move to another province to possibly go back to school. I was finishing up law school and had a job lined up already in my hometown. We talked about whether we wanted to do long distance (neither of us really did at this point in our lives), what our options were, and ultimately we knew we wanted to be together so worked something out (we both moved across the country as I looked and found a job that was even better for me than the one I had lined up). Contemporanous with that was talking about and deciding to live together, since we were moving across the country together. That decision though was not like a sit down and talk about it seriously, it was more like the culmination of ongoing conversations about our expectations and hopes, and it just felt right to move in together. We moved across the country without a plan of him living with me right away, but then once we got here, we just decided he would. It felt comfortable as we had talked to often about these things beforehand.

Same with marriage. He asked me when I was not expecting it (in some ways he was not either..bit of an unusual story there), but it was also not a surprise either or totally out of the blue. We both knew where we were in respect to our commitment, and our long term expectations, and had talked about marriage many times in an open general and more specific to us way, so when he asked, it was just “natural” for us both that it happened that way.

For us, anyway, there has never been “formal talks” about where things are going. It is more just like we live our relationship, live our lives, things flow, and we just communicate so openly and often that we are in tune to where we both are and whether we are on the same page. Wherever we are is where we are. We never were trying to tick boxes or anything, when things felt natural to do, we did them.

All that being said, if you are feeling this way, then you certainly SHOULD be talking to him. I am a big believer in being authentic and “real” with each other. If you are feeling uncertain as to where his expectations for your relationship lie, and it is causing you anxiety, then it is time to sit down and talk about where you both are at. It does not need to be a pressure laden experience, just one where you are honest and open with each other.  Going on and hoping he says something first, or hoping things just “happen”, is more likely to divide you as resentment and distance grows between you.

You should never just go along trying to “guess” what the other is thinking or even expect them to “guess” what you are thinking. Talk to each other, let yourself be known to them and let yourself know them. It is refreshing! You are NOT a passive partner in this relationship. This relationship is what you BOTH bring to it as individuals and together.

The truth will remain the truth no matter whether you ask or not, so you might as well know the truth, In My Humble Opinion, no matter what that truth is. If he is not in the same place as you yet, fine, but not knowing that will not change that fact. At least knowing you can make decisions for yourself, or together you can talk about where he IS and so on.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

We never had a talk like that. I think it was headed towards marriage before we knew it ourselves and it just sort of happened. We talked about everything though so I feel neither of us had to bring it up. 

Post # 8
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We did it about a year in, or around the time we discussed my Fiance staying with me more than just the weekend.

Personally, I think asking the intention questions is part of the flow. If you have been with someone exclusively from long enough, it’s natural to want to know. And if you are in a loving and free relationship, you should be comfortable enough to ask it right out.

Post # 9
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

about once a year before we got engaged, we’d have this conversation casually. i remember while we were out for a pizza dinner one night i just told him that i’d been wondering what our future might look like and ask him what he thought of our future. after the first year, we decided we’d move in together by the next year. the next year as we moved in together, it made since to reassure each other that we were in it for the long haul, with the intention of getting engaged and married within 3-4 years. by the time year 3 rolled around, he had proposed leading to a different series of serious conversations. 

i think its a totally reasonable time to start asking him what he expects and wants since you’re about to go through many major changes in your life- if he has intentions of sticking with you through them, then its important to share your ideas and plans.

Post # 10
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Right now seems like a good time for y’all.

For us, it was early-ish. Maybe after a year, a year and a half, and we were only 18, but it was for different reasons.

Post # 11
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We have had multiple discussions about our future, and it started at about the 1 year mark I would say, getting more serious as the time progressed…1.5 years right now. 

I think it is different for each couple, and there is no right or wrong way.  For us, we are both ‘established’ – own our own homes, good careers, and in our late 20’s/early 30’s.  We have dated lots of people before we met, and so, there is no question I met the ‘one’ now or visa versa.  Also, there are logistics to work out, such as selling a home/moving, etc, and honestly, I would never give up that for just ‘anyone’!

My point is that for us it made sense to know we were on the same page, and have a future of a marriage and children with one another!  With that said, there is NO timeline at this moment.  It is not something I need or want, ie, when he is ready to propose it will be a complete surprise – hopefully!

Communication is key, and since you know your SO better than any of us, then only you know the best way to approach said discussion – if at all!  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

Before the relationship even started lol.  I saw no point in even dating unless we felt there was a very very high chance that we would get married someday.  We’ve been operating under the assumption that the relaitonship was going to end in marriage since day 1.  We haven’t had any “where are we going” talks since then.  

Post # 13
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

We never had a single talk of that sort… we started talking marriage and engagement really early on though, like 2 months! We’ve had discussions along the way about moving in together (which we have and loving it) and about expectations for timelines for engagement (that one was rough cause things that had been said before weren’t entirely accurate apparently). Anyways, its just been an ongoing thing…

Post # 14
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think that now, at a point of such significant life change, it’s probably a good time to start having these types of discussions with your partner.

We started the discussion when it became clear to me that I needed to move out of my neighborhood at that time. There were several instances of violence that made it clear to me that I needed to get out of that home/neighborhood, which required developing a new plan on where to live. Due to the location of our families and offices, and the seriousness of our relationship at that point, it made the most sense for us to move in together in a central location. But in order for me to agree to live together, I needed to know that we were on a relatively short timeline for engagement because I refused to live together without that promise. Plus, Mr. LK had made it known that he wanted to buy a house soon, and I was definitely not going there without a ring on my finger and a venue booked! Once I made that clear to Mr. LK, I dropped the issue until he brought it up again about 2 months later, telling me that he wanted to commit to us in every way, couldn’t wait to live together, and was looking forward to calling me his “wife.”  We moved in together July, the waiting began in earnest (and was torture), and we got engaged in October.

Post # 15
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

we had a series of talks like this–fairly early on, because about 3 months into our relationship, he got an opportunity to move to europe for an academic year, so we had to decide whether we would stay together. and then when he came home, we talked about whether/when to move in together.

it sounds like now would be a good time to have this kind of conversation with your bf, especially if you’re making decisions about whether to move after college. I moved to a different city after college because I decided that a job opportunity was more important to me than the relationship I was in at the moment–we had only been together a couple months, and the guy wasn’t willing to try a long-distance relationship. i realized after i met dh how different the relationship was, since we were faced with a similar decision and made a totally different choice 🙂

 

Post # 16
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think we had an official talk but one day he did tell me that if it didn’t work out with me that he wouldn’t be dating anyone else (he’s been married once before). We just talked about it. I’m very much a planner and he has children that need to be protected, so we were just really open about it.

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