(Closed) When did you know he was "ready"?

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 17
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

when we talked about what we wanted our family to look like on our 4th date.  we’ve been married for 5 months and i am 3 months pregnant, so yeah…we knew the both of us wanted to get married and then have kids, in that order, with no predetermined timeline.

 

Post # 19
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My twin sister had a baby in 2012, so that moved my timeline up just a tad to start thinking about babies–so our kids aren’t too far apart in age. 

DH is kind of a late bloomer in life and ‘feeling ready’ for adulthood.  We are 30 now.  Also, he has long since told me that when it’s time to start the baby-making, I would have to initiate the conversation.  We’re both scared as heck to be parents but we know we want kids in our lives eventually.

So my baby fever started ramping up towards the end of 2012 and I thought we could start trying towards the end of 2013.  To give DH plenty of time to digest this, I decided to tell him when we went on a romantic-ish weekend trip last February.  I waited until he had several beers in him and then broke the news that I was thinking about it.  He was pretty shocked and didn’t know what he thought about it.  So much fear!

But my plan worked.  By time I went off the pill in August he was on board, and we started trying in December. 🙂

 

Post # 21
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yeah, that’s rough that you have such easy access to examples of the downside of parenting.  The majority of our close friends don’t have kids.  But playing with our Nephew this past year has helped him sort of go, “hmm, well this isn’t so bad.  And if Brother-In-Law can do it, maybe I can too.”  It’s true we don’t see them as often as we used to, but I wouldn’t say things are COMPLETELY different for them.  (really helps that my mom loves to babysit)

I’m the only non-parent in my department at work and I also know it sucks to hear all the others complain about how hard it is.  I’ve told them multiple times to PLEASE give me the good stories!  Tell me why it’s worth it!  They do their best. 🙂

Wish I had better advice for you.  Maybe a tiny bit of pressuring him is needed?  DH tells me all the time that he really needs a kick in the pants to get motivated for certain things.  A slightly older guy friend of ours told us you are never really “ready.”  You BECOME ready when you get pregnant.  (does not apply to everyone, of course but for financially/emotionally stable grownups…maybe?)

Post # 22
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t know, I feel that he was more ready before I was.  He was all for going for it and I was ready but I was still like “Yeah, buuut I could always wait another year!” 

I’m 29, turning 30 this year.  He turned 30 last year.  I’m due in April but I doubt I ever would have been really ready lol.  I feel like I could have put it off another few years if I wanted to.  No baby fever for me.  I went off the pill because I’d been on it for 16 years and wasn’t sure how long it would take to have normal cycles (I was HIGHLY irregular before going on it).  I got pregnant right away so that took care of itself I guess.

I’d just come up with a timeline with him.  What is the latest (age wise) he wants to have children?  Most people at least have some sort of idea about their limits on what’s too old.  And then you can use that as a backend and go from there. 

Post # 23
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would start the conversation with “Can we stop the joking for just a minute and ask a serious question and get a serious answer?” That way the expectation for a real answer is out there before you ask the question, so he can’t just laugh it off as 10 years.

Post # 24
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@juliette.eliza:  I’ll eccho

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@MargaritaVille:  in that if you figure it out, let me know!

We’ve been talking about it since shortly before our wedding.  I mean, we’d talked about it before, in a more general sense, but when I turned 27 just 3 months before the wedding, I wanted to start talking about timing because I didn’t want to be an older mom (nothing wrong with older moms, I just personally didn’t want to be one) and I always considered my mom, who had me at 29, to be an old mom.  DH wasn’t ready then and over a year later, still isn’t ready.  He’s at least figured out why though.  He’d like to be further in his career and be making a little more money (I argue that we could afford a kid now, but admittedly, it’d be hard to jump jobs & location & insurance all while pregnant or with a newborn, so I’m willing to wait on that), so we’ve put plans in place to make that happen, as well as a “ceiling” that, if we still aren’t on the exact track we want to be when I turn 30, too late, we’re just going for it.  The ceiling was purely for me & my nerves, but it helps me with the waiting a lot.

Post # 25
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@juliette.eliza:  I just kept silent about having baby fever (for over a year!) and then randomly in November (while hanging out with my cousins babies) he was like “I really want some of these, I’m getting old.” And now he’s the one who’s going crazy and all upset because he didn’t realize it was something that could take a while… I really wish he’d read up on the whole TTC thing more because this month I told him I thought I was ovulating (first time post Mirena) and then the next day he was like “so, did you test yet??” Needless to say, he’s been bothering me every day since trying to understand why it is possible that I don’t know if I’m KU or not…. Men! 

 

Anywho, I think you could try pointing out old dads when you’re out and about (my husband is horrified when he sees men in their 40s with babies) or you could just keep hanging out with your friends with the young child… I think realizing how cool it is when they start to understand things was big for my husband because it made babies real people, vs slobbering whiney things…

Post # 26
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

DH told me prior to getting married that IF we had kids he wanted to be done by the time he was 40, which basically meant we would have to get busy basically immediately. I wasnt ready, but came to terms with it prior to the wedding. Then, once we were married he thought we should wait 6 months or so. Both of us are still not 100% sure, but I am probably 75% sure and he is probably 55% sure at this point. In prep, I went off the pill and on prenatals and am using NFP.

I had been bringing it up constantly trying to get him to make up his mind one way or another, but I stopped cold turkey a few weeks ago.

THEN, the other night, when talking about babysitting my nephews, I said – theyre probably going to want their uncle to help them in bathroom (just kidding him), and he said “nope, their auntie should help. Get some practice”. I replied “Practice in case I grow a penis?”, and DH blushed and said “you know – for if we have babies”.

First time he has ever brought it up unsolicited. I think that 55% has gone up. Wouldnt suprise me at all if hes ready by spring.

Post # 28
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

We are the opposte!! My DH has wanted kids since the day we met ( he has one from a previous marriage) and I am in no way ready to give up our freedom. I think part of it is that I feel like I already have to give up our “DINK” period with his son half of the time… and selfishly I want longer to be with just him.  I hate havng to say no to dinner parties etc when her have my stepson, where all of our friends can go without a second thought.  I am 30 he is 40

Post # 29
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

He kept talking about having a child, I was more on the ‘hmmm no thanks’ end of things. Then he gave me an ultimatum and said he’s not having kids after he turns 35 (he’s turning 31 in March) so that pretty much put things into perspective. 

Post # 30
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@Dancensations:  

 

That’s what you sign up for when you have kids 

My Fiance and I have children from our previous relationships, join the club =) 

Post # 31
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

We had a mutual understanding that we want kids in the near future when we were in a relationship already. He was definitely ready before me since he’s a little older. After we were married we started talking about timeline seriously. He would’ve been fine if we started trying right away, but I waited 6 mos and now we’re TTC! 

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