Post # 1
I’m worried that I’m feeling like I don’t want kids. I’m unsure if it’s just me or perhaps where I am in my life.
I am 27.5 and my husband is 37. We just got married about a month ago but have been together for 8.5 years. Our relationship was sort of long distance (60 miles) where we only saw each other on weekends and maybe one weeknight. We have been living together since October 2015.
My husband is eager to start a family in the near future but isn’t pressuring me whatsoever. He is really good with kids and is more patient and compassionate than I am. In some ways, I feel like he would be a better parent than me.
Sometimes I worry that I don’t have it in me to be a mom although when I was younger all I wanted to do was get married and have kids. We were the last of our friends to get married and everyone else has 1-2 kids.
Part of me doesn’t want to give up freedom or divide my time with anyone else. I really love my husband and enjoy our time together and part of me is scared how that might change when time needs to be divided.
I wouldn’t want to have kids after 30 because I’m nervous about health/complications, but I also feel like I might not be ready to start trying this fall/winter as I thought I would.
Has anyone else had similar feelings? When did you know when it was the right time to start trying?
Post # 2
iamdre: i can totally relate to not wanting to give up your time with your husband, and just being selfish and doing what you want when you want!!!! This was huge for us cos we love being together. But we are nearly 29, and always thought one day we’d have kids. I cant imagine being my parents age and not having a family to share life with. Thats just me though. We knew we were ready to start ‘trying’ – i say trying loosely because we didnt try but didnt prevent and got pregnant straight away, but we knew we were ready when we had brought our house, had travelled the world, favoured staying home on a saturday night over hitting the clubs. I definitely wouldnt have been ready even 2 years ago, because i was still partying and travelling. But now we are settled, dont like drinking, have good careers, love snuggling up at home, and just knew it was the right time.
there is never a good time to have a baby though i dont think – there is always something to come up – just have to take the plunge 🙂 🙂
Post # 3
nowmarriedgirl: That’s wonderful – congratulations! Totally agree that it would feel bad to be old and not have a family to share life with. It’s nice to know you “knew” you were ready and I hope I’ll get that feeling too when the time is right.
Post # 4
I always figured I’d have kids – I’m a teacher and I love children, so it was kind of a given – but I never actually thought seriously about trying, or pictured myself with a child, when I was with my ex-husband. Even when we’d discuss it I had no actual desire to TTC, it was like ‘yeah, maybe’.
Now that I’m with my Fiance I feel like I have baby fever. I notice babies everywhere. If it wasn’t impossible right now because of my career and our finances, we’d be TTC already. It could also be an age thing – I’m approaching my 30s and Fiance is 34 – but I feel like being with the right person, someone I could trust as a father, is what triggered the kids thing with me. Maybe you’ll have a different trigger, maybe you’ll always be a bit on the fence, maybe you’ll decide not to have children at all. Either way it’s your decision and best of luck with it.
Post # 5
iamdre: I used to always think I wanted children. It was just an assumption that I would have them one day and there were times in my life when I felt like I really badly wanted a child. Now I really don’t know what I want and like you I’m quite divided about it. I almost feel like the happier I’ve become in myself and my life, the less desire I have to have children. I am so happy with my husband and everything we have. What’s strange is that when I was less happy in my life, before meeting my husband, I felt this strong urge to have children- I obviously wouldn’t have done because I wasn’t in the right place to have a child but I don’t know if the urge came from feeling like there wasnt very much love and happiness in my life at that point and that a child would change that, now I feel more loved and happier than ever so don’t have that strong sense of urgency around wanting a child. Like you, I love what I have with my husband and I worry about how that will change.
I am 29 and used to feel like I needed to have children before 30 but the closer I have gotten, the less worried I have become about this, particularly as more and more research is showing that having a baby over 30 isn’t as bad as what it has previously been made out to be, at least not for a few years after 30 anyway. It’s not a decision to be rushed (although you’re obviously thinking about it carefully) so give yourself the time you need to make it.
Post # 6
I actually was against having kids and for years I didn’t think I would want any… Until I met my Fiance, and I would love to start a family together with him one day when we can afford to.
Post # 7
I assumed I would have kids until a took a course in my bachelors degree where I read something that made me realize I didn’t HAVE to have children. Then, with that awakening (I came from a small conservative town, so it was an awakening), I realized I didn’t actually want them. Of course I was young and people told me the clock would start ticking. Now I am 34 and the clock is definitely not there.
I am a teacher and I LOVE my job. I just really don’t want my own kids. It was hard to get married as a result; while I had boyfriends I loved, they wanted kids in the future and I knew that was not for me, so marriage was not an option, no matter how much I loved them. I am fortunate to have found a man I adore who has similar goals.
I think this merits careful consideration and reflection on your part. While I am adamant I don’t want children, you don’t sound like you are in the same place, but it might get harder for you to give up a life you love for something you are meh about. Or the clock might start ticking for you. But you really should have some honest talks with yourself and your husband.
Post # 8
I never had that “moment”. We had more of the “why not” moment, which is when we started trying. Even now, I’m pregnant, and definitely worry about how my life would change. But I agree with PP about wanting to have family around when I’m older. I’m sure I’ll enjoy motherhood more than I think.
Side note – trying after 30 isn’t so scary anymore. Early 30s would be fine if you want to put it off a few more years.
Post # 9
We knew we wanted kids when we started to feel that we wanted to experience the things we were currently doing with children. It’s a weird feeling, actually. When we moved into our house, we looked at the 2 extra empty rooms and felt like they needed to be filled out.
When we went on vacation, we wished we had kiddos to take care of during the trip, almost like reading a book by the pool wasn’t enough. Late night dessert runs would be better with an excited child. Going to the aquarium or museum but wishing we saw it through our kids eyes. I know that it isnt always going to be sunshine and happy kiddos all the time, but the good moments are just inexplicably too good.
Post # 10
iamdre: I completely agree with jammer62: and ChooAndLou: – it wasn’t an exact moment or anything that I was 100% ready, but more of a growing number of “I would love to experience THIS with our son or daughter” moments. My husband sounds like yours – he’s been ready for years for a kid and is amazing with our friends kids. I’m a little more standoffish and worried.
I’m 20 weeks pregnant now with our first. I’ve been slightly more terrified than excited, but now that I can feel him move around and I’ve spent the last 16 weeks watching my husband’s excitement and happiness increase every day, it’s helped me realize how excited I really am about this new adventure. I mean, yes, my life is going to change, and yes, it’s not going to be just hubs and me anymore like it’s always been, but I’m willing and happy to make those changes for the baby.
I’m 27 and the last of my friends to have a kid – most had their first around 20/21 and are on their 2 or 3rd already – so I’m the “old” FTM. But, it comes with perks, like having more money and getting TONS of hand-me-downs (nice stuff too!) and just generally being smater/older/wiser about things. 🙂
Good luck! If there is a right time to have a kid, I don’t know when it is! 🙂
Post # 11
I’ve always been one who was indifferant on wether or not I wanted kids… then I met my now husband. I knew I needed to make him a dad the first time I saw him around kids. He is a natural and wants to be a dad so much that now I cant wait to have kids with him! We just got married in Oct and with us both being in our 30’s, we will not be waiting too too long before trying to conceive.
PS. I think it’s natural to have doubts, dont stress out too much about that!
Post # 12
With my first, I never had a “moment,” my ex-husband and I got pregnant shortly after we got married. I was 27. No regrets, that is for sure, my son is amazing. But everyone had always said “there is no good/right time” and they were right.
I’m currently pregnant with my second. My husband and I both brought a child into the relationship (my son was 4 and his daughter was 4 months when we met), and very early on we both just knew we wanted everything together – the marriage, the house, the kids. It helped that we were both able to see how the other parented and how we work together when things are stressful. I had horrible baby fever and can’t wait for this little guy/girl to get here and complete our family.
I think I bring a slightly different perspective, though, being the matriarch of a blended family and knowing that my Darling Husband and I never had a chance to just be us (something I do sometimes get upset about and something I’m really jealous of other couples about! Real life with jobs and kids is overwhelming sometimes). I sometimes feel like we jumped into a relationship at a point that most people get to after 5 or 10 years together, so the “honeymoon” didn’t last long in many ways, because our realities are so in our face and needy. So enjoy your time with your husband! When you’re thinking you might be ready, maybe stop preventing without getting too into it (no cycle charting or ovulation testing :)). But I do agree with the advice given to me, there really is no perfect time because you’ll always find a reason not to if you’re looking for it.
Post # 13
misskate18: Thanks for sharing your experience. Maybe it is an age thing and the closer I get to 30, the “feeling” may intensify. In a weird way, maybe it could be because I am with someone that will be SUCH an amazing father that it slightly intimidates me that he will be a better parent (and nothing in life intimidates me).
Post # 14
catki: EXACTLY!!! It’s comforting to know that someone else has these feelings. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself about it “having” to be before 30 and I should do a little more research to reassure myself. I even thought about talking to my Dr. about what to start doing pre-TTC so perhaps I will discuss timing with him too.
Post # 15
jammer62: Congratulations! I think “30” is messing with my head because I feel like we need to start TTC this year in order to pop out two by then and I don’t know if I’m quite ready this year. I definitely need to read up more on TTC after 30.