(Closed) When do the parents talk about the costs of the wedding??

posted 10 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

Yep this is one of those things ya just have to do. Our parents did not meet until got engaged as well. I spoke my parents about what they could ocntribute, while my FH talked to his. We got it all settled BEFORE they met… but my dad being who he is… started yaking about how much he is contributing and that he had the money ready and blah blah blah which made my Fiance a bit uncomfortable.

Bottom line… Talk to your parents alone first, let your FH talk to his alone, then when you have the budget established, introduce them.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

Yep this is one of those things ya just have to do. Our parents did not meet until got engaged as well. I spoke my parents about what they could ocntribute, while my FH talked to his. We got it all settled BEFORE they met… but my dad being who he is… started yaking about how much he is contributing and that he had the money ready and blah blah blah which made my Fiance a bit uncomfortable.

Bottom line… Talk to your parents alone first, let your FH talk to his alone, then when you have the budget established, introduce them.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

If the parents haven’t met yet and you’re 5 months out from the wedding, I don’t think you should do it at the first meeting, as your gut has indicated.

I think you need to talk to your parents, and your Fiance needs to talk to his to discuss what each is willing to contribute, if anything at all.  It sounds like you’ve been uncomfortable to have the conversation and I know that Asian families have a tendency to have the whole implicit thing, but it needs to be done.  That way, you’ll know if you’re getting help or if you’re on your own. 

Traditionally, the bride’s fam pays for the wedding, but nowadays with costs beings so ridiculous, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for all parties to contribute.  But you need to determine this quickly.  How have you been paying for everything so far? 

Post # 6
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This is an awkward one, to be sure.  Traditionally, the bride’s family takes care of the ceremony and reception while the groom’s family covers the rehearsal dinner.  There are more detailed breakdowns out there – unleash the power of google if you want the official/traditional breakdown.

That said, it’s all over the map these days.  My Fiance and I are paying for a large part of the wedding ourselves.  His parents are in a position to help, so have stepped in to cover the venue rental, which is allowing us to splurge on catering, so everyone wins. 🙂

My family is not as able to contribute financially, but my mom is super crafty, so we’re collaborating to make a lot of the decorations.  She’s even making the out of town bags using fabric we found this weekend. 

Getting back to you, I would definitely bring it up with your family and have your Fiance talk to his, as TallBride suggested.  Based on the responses, you can get a good idea of where you’re coming out financially.  The first meeting is likely not the best place to broach the subject, so you may want to wait a bit.  

Best of luck! 

Post # 7
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

We figured out what we could afford to spend ourselves.  Then we figured out what kind of wedding that would buy (quite small, 30 – 40 guests, plated dinner in a very nice local restaurant).  We planned to have a pastor marry us before dinner before our closets friends and immediate family.  And then we let our parents know that was what we were planning.

Obviously they had some other ideas.  Like about 120 guests worth.  His mother is retired, and his father passed away last year, so she can’t really help out, although I know that she would if it was possible.  My parents have stepped in and provided the money to fund all the things that they wanted, and some of the things we were going to pay for initially.

Anymore, what normally happens is that both families help out as they can.  But I think the majority of the brides on this site are paying for their own weddings (along with their FIs).  Your profile says you’re 29 and a pharmacist, so I assume your parents aren’t supporting you anymore – and that your FI’s parents aren’t either.   I would assume that you and he would pay whatever you can, and that anything your parents contribute is very nice of them to provide.  It’s really not expected anymore, and certainly not when you and your Fiance are adults with pretty good incomes yourselves.

Post # 8
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Also, have you costed out options?  You say 200 people, and a general location, but have you looked at venues and catering and such so that you have a general idea of how much money you need?  I wouldn’t expect your parents to really know that.  I’m sure you’re not expecting them to commit to some percentage of a number you don’t really have yet.  Maybe you want them to commit a specific amount of money?  I would think that even if they are planning on contributing it would go better if you said "This is about what it will cost; this is a rough breakdown (flowers, food, alcohol, venue, photography).  We can cover X amount of that, and was wondering if you could help out with Y amount."  And I wouldn’t get into talking about money on the very first meeting, unless you parents are the kind of people who are really comfortable talking about money.  My parents really aren’t – even though they are paying for a lot of things I know they would be really upset if I had any kind of conversation with FI’s mom about how much they had contributed.

Post # 9
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I knew before we even got engaged how much money my parents would contribute.  So, when it was time to do it we did our best to keep it withing that range.  However, when my fmil realized that their family wanted to invite almost double the number of people as my family the issue of them contributing money came up.  I simply said — each side is limited to 50 guests.  She then offered to pay for their additional people.  I never asked for money from my parents or future in-laws — if neither of them had offered money we would have assumed that we had to pay for the wedding ourselves.  I could never ask anyone to pay for an expense I am creating. 

Post # 11
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

MissPodo, don’t be embarrassed about the timing, I planned my wedding in 6 months, so I know the feeling.  Setting a budget is the first step and is critical knowledge as you start locking down venue & vendors.

Be very aware that you can set a budget and try to stick to it, but be ready for add’l surprise costs.

My hubby & I were in our 30s by the time we got married and didn’t really feel right about asking our parents to contribute financially (neither set really had the money anyway), so we avoided the conversation all together and just paid for everything ourselves.  

But if any of your parents have the means, I definitely think you should at least have the conversation and see what they say!  Congratulations on your recent engagement and good luck talking to the parents. 

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