When do you break up with a best friend?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, you lost me after you said she deliberately pursued your then-boyfriend and had sex with him. Dealbreaker for me.

Post # 3
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Now. You end your friendship now.

Post # 5
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Block her. 

Post # 6
Member
2311 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

View original reply
ilovelife89 :  I’m going to preface all of this by saying that a) my opinions on this topic are heavily colored by my own experience and b) a lot of people will probably vehemently disagree. I just wanted to offer my perspective, having had to break up with a best friend, myself.

First, I’m curious – 10 years ago you were how old?

I ask because what you describe from a teenager is very different than someone in their 20’s or 30’s 

Not that excuses her, but it may contribute to your decision making process. The reprecussions of betrayal aren’t always as clear to adolescents; she may have acted impulsively without really considering how it would hurt you. Still, not an excuse, just something to think about.

And I guess my next question is, if she had admitted it at the time, would you have stayed friends? Would you, taking all that’s passed between you, go back and stop being friends with her then?

 In my case, even as hard as it was, I wouldn’t trade it. In fact, if I could go back, it would be to try another approach than ending the friendship. We met in high school and 15 years later, the relationship was toxic in a lot of insidious ways. She never fucked anyone I was with, but it was primarily because she was never attracted to any of them; I know FOR SURE she believed she could lure anyone away from me she wanted.

I digress.

We ended up having our ultimate break about 11 years ago. It was a long time coming, and had a whole host of contributing causes. I know that given where we were, it was almost inevitable, but I am going to tell you; I still miss her. Sometimes bitterly. If I had it to do over again, I would have – I know this sounds slightly insane – tried to convince her to go to counseling together. 

Here’s why I say that. Obviously the relationship wasn’t perfect, but by that point, there was a part of me that belonged to her. A part of me that only came fully awake when I was with her. She was in a non-romantic way, the love of my young life. And, much like a romantic relationship, just because things were hard didn’t necessarily mean it was worth just tossing the whole thing.

I have made a lot of wonderful – and admittedly better – friends since our relationship ended. But I have never again achieved that same degree of intimacy and true “best friend” feeling with anyone else. I don’t know if it’s age or circumstance, but I know a lot of other grownups who feel the same way.

Now, I don’t know how close you really are to this person, but before you do anything, really take some time to think about how you would feel about not having her anymore. How it would feel to lose contact with someone who knows you in the very particular way she does. 

It sounds like apart from this admittedly terrible behavior, you feel like she’s been a good friend. That she’s been supportive and present for you. If that’s the case, it might be worth confronting her and giving her the choice of owning her actions and trying to regain your trust, or losing the friendship. 

That being said, if you WOULD go back in time and stop being friends with her, I would say it’s probably better to end the relationship. Having a huge blowout might feel cathartic, but it also closes the door on an important relationship with a rather hard and ugly end. It might feel better to simply let her go and let it expire in a gentler fashion.

I’m really sorry you are in a place where you feel like this. It’s awful to have someone you love so much hurt you so badly. I wish you the best, whatever you decide. 

Post # 8
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

A good relationship is about trust. If you have feelings of her using you to maintain some thrilling clandestine life, I could not deal with that going on behind my back. She wants it all at others’ expense and sounds like the type of person to only care about face value. Fucking my boyfriend and then continually lying about it, would really taint my feelings for the rest of our lives. I would stop speaking to her and seeing her.

Post # 9
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It worries me that you have these weird “off” feelings about her. The weird imagery when you met her that you bring up and obviously still remember. I wouldn’t put any stock in it, because I don’t believe in that kind of thing. But I find it interesting that you still remember it and mentioned it, which means a part of you must find it significant. Then your feelings that she leads another life. Everything you write about what you feel adds up to a lack of trust in this person. Trust is the backbone of every good relationship, whether it be familial, platonic, or romantic. Without trust, the relationship can never be healthy.

Either work on learning to trust her, based on all the times she’s been there for you. Or, go with your gut and trust what your ex told you, and slowly cut off contact.

Post # 10
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This somewhat reminds me of one of my ex best friends. While she didn’t sleep with any of my boyfriends, I did get to a point where I felt like she was living somewhat of a double life and that she was not being completely honest with me. Like you, I just had this gut feeling that I couldn’t trust her. She was hanging out with people I would’ve never imagined her hanging out with (based on all the sketchy, nasty things she always told me about them behind their backs) and, based on the fact that she was talking smack pretty heavily on these people to me, I came to the realization that she was probably turning around and saying some pretty terrible things about me to those people as well. She was very clearly friends with those people she was vehemently denying she was friends with (I’m sorry, you don’t hang out at the mall with someone just to be nice) and it was just…so bizarre. Why couldn’t she just be honest with me? Why was it such a big deal/secret that she was friends with other people? I had never made a big deal about it for her to feel like she had to hide it.

Anyway, the friendship had been stagnant for some time and it really just came to a head one night. I’d had enough of feeling paranoid that she was going behind my back all the time. We have since tried to reconnect, 5 years later, but sadly I think the core issue persists and it’s just who she is as a person. It’s truly impossible to have a friendship with someone without trust. I think you need to trust your gut on this one. 

Post # 11
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I agree with pps who say to follow your gut and cut her off. This recently happened to me and I wish I would’ve cut her off sooner. She didn’t sleep with a boyfriend but she did with a guy she knew I liked and never apologized to me, we were in high school so as much as it sucked then I got over it and we grew to be very close. Would refer to each other as sisters, constantly sleeping at each other’s houses, dates for weddings, etc. I knew she could always exaggerate a story but I never knew what a straight out compulsive liar she was until recently. I made her the Maid/Matron of Honor for my wedding and the entire time up until the wedding she was just telling me how horrible my other bridesmaids were and how she was the only one helping. Well I guess she didn’t expect me to talk to my mom where I found out she would only communicate with the other BMs unless it involves getting money then told my mother she spent $200 more so of course my mom said it wasn’t fair and reimbursed her only to figure out that was a lie too. Between stealing from my mom and learning that she lied about the reason she and her boyfriend broke up wasn’t because he just got drunk and kicked her out but that she was cheating with a married coworker. People who lie and manipulate just escalate their actions. I would say get away as fast as you can don’t even say anything to her. She will lie to anyone she can as to the reason and saying something to her won’t help because those type of people are delusional and believe their own lies. Good luck to you and I’m sorry about your friend. 

Post # 12
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

What 

View original reply
teamroro said. 

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