Post # 1
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
I’m talking personal opinions here, not what’s medically possible.
I’m about to turn 28 and I feel like I’m going down a dangerous spiral of panic and fear. I’m a MAJOR fence-sitter in regards to children, and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I wanted and yearned for kids, but I don’t. But I’m also terrified that I’ll regret my decisions once I’m old and past the point of having them.
I don’t know what to do. Realistically, right now we’re in no position for a baby. We couldn’t support it the way it should be done. But that panic is seeping in. I’m going to be 28, how much longer do I really have to figure this mess out? The older I get, the more risk there is to the baby and the more difficult it will be for my body to recover. Plenty of parents make it work when things aren’t “ideal”, maybe we can too. We have a great support system, and our lives won’t be like this forever.
Of course I know I’m being irrational. I don’t even really WANT a baby. I want to want to have a baby. But I feel like that’s pushing me to just say yes. Because how many people say it’s different once it’s your own? That those maternal instincts just kick in and everything is okay? I already feel inhuman and strange in so many other aspects of my life, I just want to feel normal on this one, like every other woman I know. And I don’t know how much longer I can wait before I feel like it’s too late.
So how much longer do I have? 30? 33? When does a mom become the “old” mom? The mom who can’t relate to their kid because their generations are too far apart? The mom who regrets not trying SOONER?
Also, don’t suggest therapy. I’ve wasted hundreds of dollars on it already.
Post # 2
Controversial/complicated question. My aunt (48 years old) just had a perfectly healthy baby. But I don’t think I’d want to be older than 35 when I have my last child.
Post # 3
TwinkleBoss : People have babies in their 40’s so I think you still have several years to decide…
Post # 4
My friends and I are all mid 30s and started later in life than most. Many of my friends are having their first baby now, and there are both pros and cons to being an “older” mom. You might have less energy and struggle more to bounce back from the birth, but you are also often more settled in your career, more mature and more likely to have done a lot of what you wanted to do without a baby in tow. I personally was nowhere near ready to have a baby at age 28 – I was travelling, just finally getting started in my career and perhaps most importantly did not have a SO to have a baby with. Other women are different at that age and feel ready – there’s no right or wrong here.
I think the most important thing is that fear of what might happen in the future should not determine whether you have a baby or not. You should have a baby because you want one and feel ready to take on that challenge. If my friends’ experience is any guide, you have plenty of time, no need to panic yet. A lot of fertility stuff is based on ancient data and outdated ideas. I found this article very helpful and factual on that front. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/
Here’s a good quote from the article: “One study, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in 2004 and headed by David Dunson (now of Duke University), examined the chances of pregnancy among 770 European women. It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds.”
Post # 5
I dunno, if you want a kid get on it by your early 40s latest? Definitely not 28 lol, chill.
Post # 6
My mom had me when she was 38. Her mom was also older. The downside, to it as my mom got older, people started to think she was my grandmother, not my mom. I got a lot of side eye when I told them the age of my mom. They thought it was weird. But I understood, she wait till she was ready to have me.
I don’t want to be over 35 when I have a child due to all the risks. But I also realize it might take time to have a child. As long as all tests on myself and the child come back okay, I’ll be fine.
Post # 7
Ideally I would like to be done having children by the time I am 30. That gives me almost a decade and will allow me to enjoy my golden years without dependent children. I don’t think there is a magical number though. I think so long as your body is healthy and any babies will be healthy that’s all that matters.
Post # 8
I dunno, 40+ seems like too old. Less than that my only worries would be with respect to having a slightly harder time TTC and a slightly harder time keeping up with the kid energy-wise.
If you’re *really* worried, you could always freeze some embryos.
ETA: My mother was ~41 when she had my brother. It’s feasible, I just know MY parents warned me against having a kid at that age–they constantly complained how they wished they were younger, that he was a lot to handle and they didn’t have the energy.
Post # 9
TwinkleBoss : I have a number of friends and family members who naturally conceived children into their early forties and a couple who had children closer to their mid-40s with assistance. You have a lot of time to work this out.
Post # 10
I’m 34 and am currently 8 weeks pregnant with my first baby. There is no set time limit. I didn’t have a difficult time getting pregnant at all. However I know other women who have struggled for years to conceive that were even younger than me. You just never know.
You said you’re not even sure if you WANT a baby. I’d think about that first. Don’t put the cart before the horse here.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
My personal cut off age is 37, I had my first at 34, got pregnant on the first try at 33 with no complications and a great recovery and will start trying for #2 at 35. If it doesn’t happen by 37 then we will just have one. I know it’s an arbitrary number but I just don’t feel comfortable going past it. Fertility declines and risks increase slowly, it doesn’t just fall off at 35. You have time, I didn’t decide I wanted children until 30.
Post # 12
i have a few friends that had their first children in their early 40’s. i have a few friends that had their 2, 3, 4th kid in their early 40’s.
you have plenty of time. 28 is still very young if you have no known infertility issues.
and this is coming from someone who is 35, pregnant with #2 and needed IVF to conceive both children.
AND to add, there was a woman in my infertility support group who at 49 had a higher pregnanct success rate with young donor eggs than i did at 32 with our issues we had. so really, anytime is not too late.
Post # 13
Don’t worry, you have PLENTY of time!! In my personal opinion (and this is just for ME), I think once you hit your mid-40’s and up, then it might be too late. I was 37 when I finally decided to have a baby (I was 38 when she was born) so I’m definitely part of the “older” crowd but I’m glad I waited. I only wanted one so I was done as soon as she popped out. But if I had wanted more, I would have started sooner. Age and all aside, just be sure it’s what you want.
Post # 14
TwinkleBoss : I am 38. When I was 36 we had a surprise pregnancy that we lost. We tried for 2 more years but have decided at this point that we are too old, for the sake of our relationship (TTC and the lossses put a big strain on us) and the fact that we could very well be grandparents in a couple of years, to not try anymore.
Post # 15
I think around 45ish. It’s all personal. A lot of women look and feel amazing in their 40s 50s and beyond and have the energy for children at a later age and many women feel tired and exhausted even at a young age with children. So it’s not a one size fits all.
Live your life and everything will unfold as it should.