(Closed) When does controlling behavior cross the line?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10100 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 “My bf says its unecessary for me to work out”   Well idk about controlling or not , but I’d  wodul allow my h. of many years to dictate that ( unless it was followed by ‘because you are so perfect ‘lol  ) , let alone  a bf of a few months.

Post # 4
Member
2796 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I think it becomes controlling when you stop doing things because he tells you to.  If you’re still going to the gym after he said you didn’t need to work out, that’s OK.  If you stopped going, it’s a problem.  But in your situation I’d keep an eye on it.

Post # 6
Member
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

When he uses his “insecurities” to stop you from doing stuff… it’s an issue. 

Post # 7
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
mindzoo :  He has crossed it IMO. As happysky above puts it – when you have to stop doing something perfectly innocent because it makes him feel insecure, that’s a red flag. The majority of us work out without the insatiable urge to bang some hot gym guy in the changing rooms. 

I also think it’s healthy for you to go out with friends and he shouldn’t be guilt tripping you for it.

Post # 8
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Yeah that’d bother me. If he were disappointed that he couldn’t go out with you because it was somewhere he’d really wanted to go, or you hadn’t seen each other much recently, that’d be one thing. But if he doesn’t like you going out without him, I dunno if I could cope with that for very long.

Post # 9
Member
5013 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t find insecurity attractive at all,  so that would be the end for me.  I recently joined a gym.  When I told my SO “hey, I just joined X gym because I realized I need to have something more convenient and close to work”, you know his response?  “That’s great! I’m glad you’re figuring out ways to make your life easier and happier.”

So yeah, petty jealous insecurities don’t fly with me, especially things that are for my own well being and make me happy. If SO feels a twinge of jealousy if I’m at the bar getting our drinks and a guy hits on me in front of him…i get it.  If SO is actively trying to talk me out of perfectly normal activities that make me healthy and happy because of what MIGHT happen, then he’s too immature and insecure to be in a healthy relationship.

 

ETA:  He does realize real life doesn’t work like a porno, right?  Most people go to the gym to work out. I see way more action happening at public transport stops, grocery stores, restaurants, and laundromats.

Post # 10
Member
7527 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would say he has already crosseed the line by trying to convince you not to work out, and by guilt-tripping you when you go out without him. 

That being said, if you’re able to have productive conversations with him about why this behavior is not something you will tolerate in a relationship, which leads to him changing his behavior, then it could still work out. But if you talk to him about this stuff and he continues pulling stunts like this, I would be out. I wouldn’t give it a super long time to improve either. 5 months is kinda shit or get off the pot territory for me in a new relationship, in terms of “do I really want to get serious with this person or do I want to break it off before I get really invested?”

Post # 11
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

To paraphrase Judge Judy: If there are red flags in the early days of courtship (dating), a time when we’re usually on our best behaviour and trying to present our best selves, these will only get worse not better as the relationship progresses. 

Red flags 2 months in?? IMO he’s already crossed the line. Wanting you to adjust your perfectly reasonable behaviour to appease his insecure jealousy is a huge red flag. 

You’ve already experienced controlling behaviour with an ex Bee, you don’t want to go down that road again. I know this is disappointing advice if you thought this new guy was different, and maybe you have some fun times with him, maybe he can be sweet and attentive and all that, but that doesn’t make up for alarming behaviour. Frankly since the relationship is still so new and he’s already trying to tell you what to do, I’d be done. But if you’re not willing to be done with him just yet, have you at least had a serious no-nonsense talk with him about his insecuriites and how his unreasonable, unacceptable requests are making you second guess the relationship? Because at the very least he should be able to put a stop to this behaviour- even if he has to seek therapy to help him do this. (This is for his own good as well because if the two of you stay together, his behaviour will continue to damage your relationship, and if the two of you don’t stay together, this issue will continue to crop up in future relaitonships). 

Post # 12
Member
11277 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
mindzoo :  

‘Extremely insecure’ sounds extremely not healthy.

Actually, the whole poor little me routine is an act.  He’s not insecure, he’s a controller.

And you don’t mind ‘a little jealousy’?  What are you even saying here?  What do you consider an acceptable amount of jealousy?  This may be worth looking at since you seem to keep attracting the same kind of guys.

You’re only five months in.  Get out while you can.

Post # 13
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

View original reply
mindzoo :

Well, to be honest I feel being “controlled” is a bit overblown. No one can be controlled. Everyone has boundaries and it is up to us all to express the boundaries. We all get to decide if we choose to accomodate some of the boundaries others have and we all get to decide if the boundary is too much and I won’t accomodate it. We all get to decide if this is too much, I don’t want this relationship.

If you want to go to the gym, go to the gym. He can’t stop you. If going to the gym is a deal breaker he is free to leave you.

I never see pickups happening at the gym.

He can not like it but face it…..he can’t do anything about it. I’d advise just working out and leaving. If guys are trying to chit chat constantly to you I’d nip that.

You are free. Do what you want in life. No one can control you. If you want to get in shape, great. Get a rocking body and spoil your guy with it all the time. If having a woman go to the gym is too much for him he is free to leave you at any time.

Are you talking to guys all the time at the gym? If not this shouldn’t be too much of any issue

 

Post # 14
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

the minute you start changing your actions, his insecurity affects your life and/or you start lying to him to not make him feel bad it has crossed the line.

Post # 15
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I work in the field of domestic abuse and it often starts with small things. If you have been in a controlling relationship before you are also more likely to experience this again in future. It is a huge, complex topic and too long to explore in this post lol. However, I would recommend reading Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life by Professor Evan Stark. This is one of my professional “bibles” and is hugely informative and insightful. This guy is THE expert on controlling men. I’ve met him and he is the most down to Earth, kind, humble and caring person. 

If you read the book it will give you the tools and information to spot red flags you might otherwise miss and it will also help you put your partner’s behaviour in context. Personally, yes, I see a huge red flag in his attitude towards the gym but obviously you know details about the entire relationship that we don’t and you are the best person to judge if you are armed with the correct tools and information. 

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