- 3 years ago
- Wedding: March 2018
I’m not the poster you’re referring to, but there is a concept called revictimization. A lot of it refers to childhood abuse, but really it can occur after any traumatic/abuse situation. It’s especially prevalent in childhood or young adulthood (especially early relationships) because the impression left is the association of love and closeness with this abusive behavior. It normalizes it and they continue patterns of maladaptive behavior. And then when long-term abuse basically mind-f*cks you and you don’t know what healthy behavior actually looks like, you tend to seek out what you know even though it’s unhealthy. It’s the same concept of people experiencing early childhood sexual abuse putting themselves in risky sexual situations later in life (prostitution, promiscuity, etc.) or adults abused as children perpetuating the cycle. Unless you take the appropriate time and counseling to heal, reprogram what you know about relationships, and are proactive, it’s very easy to fall into the cycle of abusive relationships when you don’t know anything else. And unfortunately, most fall into this category – someone may understand that the abusive behavior doesn’t feel good or know some of the signs, but having the self-esteem and tools to change it and avoid it in the future is really quite difficult, especially when you consider what abuse does to your mental health and self-image.
Yes, he tells you he’s uncomfortable but doesn’t actually try to prevent you from going (at least not yet, wouldn’t be surprised at all if this changed/escalated)- but the worrying thing is he’s wanting you to alter your behaviour to try and appease his jealousy and insecurities instead of seeking to address his own issues of jealousy and insecuirty.
I have to reiterate what some PPs have said: I don’t find insecurity in a man an attractive thing at all. But YMMV, as some women (erroneously) assume that if a man isn’t jealous, he doesn’t love her enough. THAT is the start of controlling behaviour, IMO (a woman excusing or actively seeking out a jealous man).
So what is happening currently in your relationship wouldn’t work for me, but you do you. As long as you are aware and don’t change your reasonable habits and behaviours for him, and he isn’t bringing it up repeatedly or trying to guilt you into changing, then you may be able to let it go. But it would still bring up red flags for me. Don’t excuse things because of “insecurity”. Expect more.
My best friend is in a relationship where the fiance is controlling and crossing the line so bad. It’s painful to watch. Worst part is that she knows he crosses the line but she loves him so much and wants to believe he will change like he says. In my opinion she should run away screaming. His jelousy is affecting her friendships and he even contacted one of her colleagues (who is in a bit more senior position) to tell him “to back of from my girl” because they were talking after a company picnic. She also didn’t attend our high school reunion because being able to go out 2 weekends in a row would be such a big fight. I’m apparently one of the friends he trust so seeing me deoesn’t require a long process. It’s so horrible to watch and try to understand why this strong independent woman is letting it happen. She knows he is wrong. His excuse is that he has never been like that before and he has never loved anyone that much before.
So based on this. I would say to be careful and with the first feeling of “that’s not ok” just run. It starts small. It starts with “cute jelousy” and then turns into something more.
I would not put up with the level of jealousy you are describing. I need a partner who trusts me implicitly and doesn’t put the actions of others onto me. What he is doing is gross and totally inappropriate IMO.
In my opinion, there is no line to cross for controlling behaviors. I suggest zero tolerance for that bullsh*t. If his actions have bothered you enough to make a post about it, then that’s too much.
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