(Closed) When does controlling behavior cross the line?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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kayteebee :  Sorry slightly on a tangent to the thread, but if you don’t mind, are you able to explain this statement? “If you have been in a controlling relationship before you are also more likely to experience this again in future.” I’m just curious as to why that might be the case, as I am inclined to think that the opposite is true as you’d be more aware of the signs. 🙂

Post # 17
Member
5020 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m not the poster you’re referring to, but there is a concept called revictimization.  A lot of it refers to childhood abuse, but really it can occur after any traumatic/abuse situation.  It’s especially prevalent in childhood or young adulthood (especially early relationships) because the impression left is the association of love and closeness with this abusive behavior.  It normalizes it and they continue patterns of maladaptive behavior.  And then when long-term abuse basically mind-f*cks you and you don’t know what healthy behavior actually looks like, you tend to seek out what you know even though it’s unhealthy.  It’s the same concept of people experiencing early childhood sexual abuse putting themselves in risky sexual situations later in life (prostitution, promiscuity, etc.) or adults abused as children perpetuating the cycle.  Unless you take the appropriate time and counseling to heal, reprogram what you know about relationships, and are proactive, it’s very easy to fall into the cycle of abusive relationships when you don’t know anything else.  And unfortunately, most fall into this category – someone may understand that the abusive behavior doesn’t feel good or know some of the signs, but having the self-esteem and tools to change it and avoid it in the future is really quite difficult, especially when you consider what abuse does to your mental health and self-image.

Post # 20
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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annabananabee :  That makes sense, thank you

Post # 21
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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mindzoo :  2 months or 5 months, it’s still early days of dating…and to already be having issues….

Yes, he tells you he’s uncomfortable but doesn’t actually try to prevent you from going (at least not yet, wouldn’t be surprised at all if this changed/escalated)- but the worrying thing is he’s wanting you to alter your behaviour to try and appease his jealousy and insecurities instead of seeking to address his own issues of jealousy and insecuirty. 

Post # 22
Member
7754 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I have to reiterate what some PPs have said: I don’t find insecurity in a man an attractive thing at all. But YMMV, as some women (erroneously) assume that if a man isn’t jealous, he doesn’t love her enough. THAT is the start of controlling behaviour, IMO (a woman excusing or actively seeking out a jealous man).

So what is happening currently in your relationship wouldn’t work for me, but you do you. As long as you are aware and don’t change your reasonable habits and behaviours for him, and he isn’t bringing it up repeatedly or trying to guilt you into changing, then you may be able to let it go. But it would still bring up red flags for me. Don’t excuse things because of “insecurity”. Expect more.

Post # 23
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

My best friend is in a relationship where the fiance is controlling and crossing the line so bad. It’s painful to watch. Worst part is that she knows he crosses the line but she loves him so much and wants to believe he will change like he says. In my opinion she should run away screaming. His jelousy is affecting her friendships and he even contacted one of her colleagues (who is in a bit more senior position) to tell him “to back of from my girl” because they were talking after a company picnic. She also didn’t attend  our high school reunion because being able to go out 2 weekends in a row would be such a big fight. I’m apparently one of the friends he trust so seeing me deoesn’t require a long process. It’s so horrible to watch and try to understand why this strong independent woman is letting it happen. She knows he is wrong. His excuse is that he has never been like that before and he has never loved anyone that much before.

So based on this. I would say to be careful and with the first feeling of “that’s not ok” just run. It starts small. It starts with “cute jelousy” and then turns into something more.

Post # 24
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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BeeDD : unfortunately research shows that women who have been in controlling or abusive relationships are more likely to end up in another one. There are a number of things that help to explain this, although obviously every individual woman and case is different. Firstly, a lot of abusers look for vulnerable women or women with certain personality traits as they are looking for women who will be easier to control. They are often good at “grooming” people to see them in a certain way and can be highly manipulative. They also know that women who have been in controlling relationships have often taken a knock to their self esteem and blame themselves and that they can exploit this. Secondly, for a variety of reasons, the women themselves can be attracted to certain types of men which makes them more likely to go for coercive controllers or abusers. It’s complicated and different for every woman, but unfortunately there is definitely a higher risk of experiencing another controlling relationship. I would like to point out that the women are in no way at fault here and that this can and does happen to intelligent, educated and astute women. Behavioural patterns and response to trauma vary depending on the person but unfortunately research and statistical analysis show this elevated risk. 

 

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mindzoo :  Yes It’s good to think carefully and put everything into context. Good luck xx

Post # 25
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I would not put up with the level of jealousy you are describing. I need a partner who trusts me implicitly and doesn’t put the actions of others onto me. What he is doing is gross and totally inappropriate IMO. 

Post # 26
Member
597 posts
Busy bee

In my opinion, there is no line to cross for controlling behaviors. I suggest zero tolerance for that bullsh*t. If his actions have bothered you enough to make a post about it, then that’s too much.

Post # 27
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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mindzoo :  Controlling behavior is always too much. Period.

A man that dissuaded me from doing something that keeps me healthy (such as going to the gym) would be kicked to the curb. 

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