(Closed) When does it become too much?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee

Talk to your husband and tell him Jim needs to stop coming over so often. 

Post # 3
Member
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
downindallas:  Your DH needs to set some boundaries with Jim–ask him to call before visiting to make sure he is free and does not already have plans with you, and limit the visits to less than 4-5 days/week. 

Post # 4
Member
13658 posts
Honey Beekeeper

As they say, you have a husband problem, not a Jim problem. 

Post # 6
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Maybe explain that you don’t mind Jim coming over but everyday is too much and it’s making you feel uncomfortable/ unhappy. 

Post # 7
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee

Ok, but you need to explain that even if he doesn’t mind Jim, you do and he needs to come over less frequently. 

Post # 8
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your DH should care about how  you feel too. He might not mind Jim be over all the time but if you do, that should be his priority.

Post # 10
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Definitely talk to your husband and let him know that you’re uncomfortable with “Jim” just dropping by whenever he feels like it. You don’t owe Jim anything and he doesn’t need to stalk your husband the way he currently is.

It’s nice they found each other and enjoy spending time together but it feels like Jim is an unwanted and unwelcome guest. At least to you. Try and find out how your husband feels on these visits. Maybe he’s just trying not to be rude to the guy, but doesn’t necessarily want him around either? When you find out your husband’s views on this topic, you can come up with ways to politely excuse yourselves from Jim and make yourselves less available. It’s YOUR home and you shouldn’t feel unwelcome and anxious! Your husband may not be aware if you’re not vocal about how you’re feeling. Communicate to him exactly what you said on this thread. You’ll be able to come up with a solution!

Maybe watch the movie “You, Me and Dupree”. It might be an eye opener for your husband lol.

Good luck Bee!

Post # 11
Member
5018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I agree with 

View original reply
weddingmaven.  You have a husband problem.  You need to more clearly communicate your feelings to him and let him know that it is important that he sets some boundaries with Jim immediately.

Post # 12
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Wow. That is just insane.

Honestly, this is the hill I would die on. I would never be okay with any of my FI’s friends being over that often. And especially not someone who makes me uncomfortable. That is so unfair to you.

I would talk to him and explain that this isn’t about how HE feels about Jim coming over. This is about how YOU feel about it. Jim makes you uncomfortable, and besides that, his friend coming over so often is affecting the time you spend with your DH. It’s affecting your relationship. That is NOT okay.

He also HAS to call before he comes over. That is just beyond not okay to just show up like that. And then your DH delays your plans because Jim just shows up? No. You need to talk to your DH and do not let up until he understands how not okay all of this is.

If he doesn’t understand, and refuses to listen to you and respect your feelings, I really see no other option but to insist upon counseling. This goes just beyond his friend coming over all the time. This is about your relationship with your DH.

Post # 14
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Agree with the others… your husband is encouraging this behavior so it’s really on him. Jim is probably very lonely and being socially awkward, has no idea he’s crossing some boundaries. It’s your home too, so just because your husband doesn’t mind the frequent visits doesn’t mean he just gets to do whatever he wants. This is causing you serious discomfort and you deserve to feel comfortable in your own residence.

Sit your husband down when you’re both feeling calm, explain to him that you’re feeling very uncomfortable and anxious, and tell him you don’t want him to stop being friends with Jim, but rather set aside times for those visits so that he’s not interrupting meals, coming over and hanging around when your husband’s not home, and interfering with your time as a couple. That is absolutely not an unreasonable expectation. 

Post # 15
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Okay, so your husband recognizes that “Jim is lonely” and he feels bad for him, but he doesn’t see that Jim constantly being in or around your home and husband is alienating you?

Your husband is NOT married to Jim, he is married to you and as great of a guy as he is and wants to have an open door policy for his friends; it is a joint decision that needs to be made by the both of you. When your husband was single, sure he can make that call alone, but now that he’s married and you share a home together, the decision needs to come from BOTH OF YOU!

He can absolutely help Jim out or spend time but that should not cut into your time together. You shouldn’t have to compete with Jim for your husband’s time and attention.

You’re not asking for a lot, I hope you realize that.

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