(Closed) when fighting with your SO can be a positive experience

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I know exactly what you mean!  That sounds like me and my boyfriend, except I have a harder time giving him “space” because I am the type that has to resolve it right then and there. haha.  I have to admit though I wasn’t this calm and chill when we first started having fights.  When I was dating my very long term ex boyfriend, we fought a lot and bad. I mean we yelled and cussed at each other. We called each other names. And it just got worse and worse until we finally broke up.  When I started dating my SO, I remember being so shocked and his niceness. He didn’t get mad at things my ex would get mad about, and I remember being like, “wow, this guy is cool.” Very early on, I even remember thinking, “I don’t know what me and SO could EVER fight about.” It makes me laugh when I think about it now because we have definitely had some serious arguments.  Just like you, we rarely fight, but we have had a few big ones. At the beginning, I was a “yeller” and my SO was a “walker away-er.” But we have made leaps of progress in this department. He made it clear that he wasn’t going to put up with me yelling and I made it clear that I wasn’t going to put up with threats to leave.  Now, when we argue, I think we are very good at communicating, almost exactly how you described your fight. I do try to give him space though because I know he needs it sometimes, but It’s just hard for me. 

Anyway, yes, I totally agree. I actually got mad at my SO the other day for something really stupid. It was a very small fight, not big at all, but the next day instead of feeling sad, I was so happy because I was like “wow, I am really happy with the way we fight.” lol weird right. haha. I totally get you, though. 🙂

Post # 4
3981 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I love it when we are able to argue it out and really fight about something and in the end we both come out on top. It shows alot of respect and love for eachother that even when you are knock down drag out pissed, you are still able to be respectful and understanding. Besides, never arguing is just plain unhealthy for a relationship!

Post # 5
2980 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree that sometimes arguements and really open your eyes to how strong your bond truely is after you’re able to make up and calmly reason with what made you angry in the first place. Arguing/disagreeing is normal and healthy as long as it’s not all of the time!

Post # 7
73 posts
Worker bee

@araneidae: Hi! I totally agree with you that you can have productive “fights.” (arguments). I actually had a “come to Jesus” talk with my SO this morning! I had been holding some stuff inside that was bothering me and I knew I had to just be honest with him. He took it very well! I was able to fully explain how I felt, while he listened. He was able to explain his thoughts and feelings while I listened. I really think that when we have these disagreements and are able to resolve them, it makes us stronger.

Like you, I have been in relationships in the past where arguments include low blows, insults and even break ups. That is never a good sign. One thing that sets SO apart from ALL other relationships is that no matter what happens, we come out together and stronger. Very good sign! : ) So yes, I agree, resolving disagreements are great and can make you stronger and more appreciative.

Post # 8
1089 posts
Bumble bee

We actually set “ground rules” for arguing pretty early on and discussed the point of arguments and other “discussions”.  I know that this sounds odd, but we established that the point of arguing was not to prove that one person is right and the other is wrong, one person is better than the other, etc.

We agree to only argue about the topic and not bring up past arguments.  We make an attempt to see things from the other person’s perspective, and we try our best not to go to bed mad at one another.

It’s not always easy, and we do have heated arguments from time to time, but life isn’t always perfect nor are relationships.  Being able to effectively argue has let us see what is important to us as individuals and us as a couple.  It has allowed us to learn more about eachother and really grow together.

I don’t think I’d feel the same if our arguing was ineffective, accusatory, and involved low blows.  If done properly, arguing can be healthy and very effective!

Post # 9
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

YES! Definitely! Fiance and I fought a lot on our last visit with each other after being apart for four months.. and it totally rekindled the passion for each other, honestly. I was so depressed being away from him and I started to question whether our life together is really what I wanted, basically getting pretty extreme cold feet. I confronted him about it (I was kind of a bitch, tbh. Poor guy.) and instead of blowing me off or telling me I was out of line, he argued back..

That doesn’t sound especially romantic.. but the fact that he fought for me reminded me that I am who he wants and even though we’re long distance, it’s not that he’s putting me second.  I also kind of felt like we were finally back to where we were, and could be ourselves!

It reminded me of a quote someone posted on here a while ago about how the most important thing in marriage is never to fall out of love with each other at the same time.  I didn’t fall out of love with him, of course.. just the pain seemed to overwhelm all the good we had. Fighting rekindled what we had before.. and I feel like that’s one reason I know he’s absolutely the one for me:)

Post # 10
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I know exactly what you mean.  Good for you!

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