Post # 1
Yeah, weird, I know – but I just felt like posting about it. I had a fight with my boyfriend last night, which is pretty rare for us. I got mad at him for some comments he made about another girl when we had been out with a group of his friends a month ago – I was just reminded of the comments because we were out with a bunch of people, her included, last night. I had a couple of beers in me and I got a little bit mad at him on the drive home for how ‘uncomfortable’ he had made me with these comments (basically he said that she had nice boobs. Not really a huge deal but it did kinda bug me at the time, and I hadn’t brought it up since it happened.). He was uncommunicative and upset for most of the rest of the night because he was mad that I hadn’t told him that his behaviour upset me right after it happened. He was right, I should have brought it up earlier. And in all honesty, I was being kind of unreasonably jealous.
Anyway the content of the fight wasn’t really the point, but having the fight yesterday ultimately made me feel really happy about our relationship, even though last night was pretty unpleasant and even today I kind of felt residually sad about it. Tonight we are back to normal/awesomeness. It reminded me that we are both really good at being polite to each other and not losing our cool, even when we are upset with each other. He told me why he was upset, I listened, and agreed with him that it was a fair assessment and we should both act differently in the future. I knew he needed space so I just went to bed early and let him chill on his own. Today everything is fine, neither of us are mad anymore, and we even had a conversation about how excited we both are to get married and live together, and to have children together 🙂 We are still both kind of shy and cute about it with each other… even though we talk about it a lot! It’s always stuff like ‘well, at that point we would probably live together, right?’ ‘you want to live with me? (smile)(hug)’ and ‘well maybe by then we would have a baby..i mean.. if that’s what you want to do too.. that’s what I want to do!’ * melt *
I’ve had relationships in the past where arguments tended to get out of hand, involving rudeness and insults, and I’m just so happy to now be with someone who is more mature about communicating, who I can have ‘good’, productive arguments with (when they are necessary) rather than petty, rude fights. I think it bodes well for our future marriage that we are respectful of each other even when we are mad at each other.
What about you guys? How do you and your SO fight? When you reflect on the less-than-perfect times in your relationship, how does it make you feel about marriage?
Post # 3
I know exactly what you mean! That sounds like me and my boyfriend, except I have a harder time giving him “space” because I am the type that has to resolve it right then and there. haha. I have to admit though I wasn’t this calm and chill when we first started having fights. When I was dating my very long term ex boyfriend, we fought a lot and bad. I mean we yelled and cussed at each other. We called each other names. And it just got worse and worse until we finally broke up. When I started dating my SO, I remember being so shocked and his niceness. He didn’t get mad at things my ex would get mad about, and I remember being like, “wow, this guy is cool.” Very early on, I even remember thinking, “I don’t know what me and SO could EVER fight about.” It makes me laugh when I think about it now because we have definitely had some serious arguments. Just like you, we rarely fight, but we have had a few big ones. At the beginning, I was a “yeller” and my SO was a “walker away-er.” But we have made leaps of progress in this department. He made it clear that he wasn’t going to put up with me yelling and I made it clear that I wasn’t going to put up with threats to leave. Now, when we argue, I think we are very good at communicating, almost exactly how you described your fight. I do try to give him space though because I know he needs it sometimes, but It’s just hard for me.
Anyway, yes, I totally agree. I actually got mad at my SO the other day for something really stupid. It was a very small fight, not big at all, but the next day instead of feeling sad, I was so happy because I was like “wow, I am really happy with the way we fight.” lol weird right. haha. I totally get you, though. 🙂
Post # 4
I love it when we are able to argue it out and really fight about something and in the end we both come out on top. It shows alot of respect and love for eachother that even when you are knock down drag out pissed, you are still able to be respectful and understanding. Besides, never arguing is just plain unhealthy for a relationship!
Post # 5
I agree that sometimes arguements and really open your eyes to how strong your bond truely is after you’re able to make up and calmly reason with what made you angry in the first place. Arguing/disagreeing is normal and healthy as long as it’s not all of the time!
Post # 6
@juneebee: Oh I know how you feel, the ‘giving space’ part is reallly hard for me too, hence why I was still all mopey yesterday until his space-needing time was fully over and we could just get back to normal, haha. But being able to give someone some space after an argument is a good skill to work on because some people really need that.
My ex was awful about fighting and meanness. Now that I am with someone who is so much more reasonable, I can’t believe I put up with that for so long! I mean there was a lot of good in that relationship too, but when someone tells you to ‘F off’ every time they are mad at you about something….that’s gotta be a dealbreaker!!
Post # 7
@araneidae: Hi! I totally agree with you that you can have productive “fights.” (arguments). I actually had a “come to Jesus” talk with my SO this morning! I had been holding some stuff inside that was bothering me and I knew I had to just be honest with him. He took it very well! I was able to fully explain how I felt, while he listened. He was able to explain his thoughts and feelings while I listened. I really think that when we have these disagreements and are able to resolve them, it makes us stronger.
Like you, I have been in relationships in the past where arguments include low blows, insults and even break ups. That is never a good sign. One thing that sets SO apart from ALL other relationships is that no matter what happens, we come out together and stronger. Very good sign! : ) So yes, I agree, resolving disagreements are great and can make you stronger and more appreciative.
Post # 8
We actually set “ground rules” for arguing pretty early on and discussed the point of arguments and other “discussions”. I know that this sounds odd, but we established that the point of arguing was not to prove that one person is right and the other is wrong, one person is better than the other, etc.
We agree to only argue about the topic and not bring up past arguments. We make an attempt to see things from the other person’s perspective, and we try our best not to go to bed mad at one another.
It’s not always easy, and we do have heated arguments from time to time, but life isn’t always perfect nor are relationships. Being able to effectively argue has let us see what is important to us as individuals and us as a couple. It has allowed us to learn more about eachother and really grow together.
I don’t think I’d feel the same if our arguing was ineffective, accusatory, and involved low blows. If done properly, arguing can be healthy and very effective!
Post # 9
YES! Definitely! Fiance and I fought a lot on our last visit with each other after being apart for four months.. and it totally rekindled the passion for each other, honestly. I was so depressed being away from him and I started to question whether our life together is really what I wanted, basically getting pretty extreme cold feet. I confronted him about it (I was kind of a bitch, tbh. Poor guy.) and instead of blowing me off or telling me I was out of line, he argued back..
That doesn’t sound especially romantic.. but the fact that he fought for me reminded me that I am who he wants and even though we’re long distance, it’s not that he’s putting me second. I also kind of felt like we were finally back to where we were, and could be ourselves!
It reminded me of a quote someone posted on here a while ago about how the most important thing in marriage is never to fall out of love with each other at the same time. I didn’t fall out of love with him, of course.. just the pain seemed to overwhelm all the good we had. Fighting rekindled what we had before.. and I feel like that’s one reason I know he’s absolutely the one for me:)
Post # 10
I know exactly what you mean. Good for you!