When guests add uninvited people to RSVP… ugh

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

American Thanksgiving rather than a wedding, but I’m suddenly salty about it again, so here goes: my best friend asks if she can invite a plus one to a really small dinner, if her brand new SO’s plans fall through. Sure, it’s gonna be tight but we can make it work. But hey, bestie, can we borrow your folding chairs? Cuz otherwise there will be nowhere for her to sit!

NewSO’s plans fall through. NewSO BRINGS TWO ADDITIONAL PEOPLE to a party in a 600sqft apartment. Those two people? The people she was supposed to be busy with. I get 1 day of notice that we’re having a surprise vegan. Vegan, no problem. Surprise vegan, when the (buttery, poultry-centric) food’s bought and some of it’s already cooking? Come on.

Weirdly enough, they’re not the rude ones. They very politely asked NewSO ahead of time, who very politely asked Best Friend. Best Friend went, “Sure! The more the merrier!” After having bothered to ask us about the one person we knew, just opened it up to strangers. ??? Best Friend then proceeded to be an hour late WITH THE CHAIRS, because she was cooking a special vegan dish, without telling us, even though we already told her we added a vegan entree and did all the veg sides safe. But she wanted to impress NewSO imo, hence this whole debacle.

(Vegan very thoughtfully brought her own dish, and hadn’t wanted NewSO to tell anybody about her dietary restrictions so that nobody would go to any trouble trying to accommodate her. Also, NewSO (who I’ll call airheaded to put it mildly) didn’t understand it would have been much more important to mention that Vegan is also celiac, and probably shouldn’t have been in the same room with our dinner, let alone eating any of it. But nobody knew, so at least she had her own dish. They were great guests, and had no idea they were imposing.)

Don’t invite uninvited people to things. How hard is this?


Post # 33
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I was guilty of doing this once.  I was ignorant (had not been invited to a wedding as an adult until then, and this was my first serious relationship).  I misunderstood the RSVP, so wrote my then boyfriend’s name with mine.  My cousin messaged me after getting it to tell me (nicely) that I didn’t have a plus one.  I apologized and of course understood (we had only been dating a few months at the time).  My parents and other family would be there, so I wasn’t offended, just embarrassed. Later on when they got more responses, he ended up extending an offer for him to attend and he did.  So it worked out in the end, but I still wish I had known back then what I know now.

But I’m glad I learned my lesson after that to really pay attention on how the invite is addressed – a blank space on an RSVP does not mean you have a plus one! (And I made sure on my own RSVPs that it was super clear – fill in the blank, with “_ of 2 attending” for example, and a place to write the names.

Just want to put that out there, that on occasion these things may just be an oops (but other times, and with OP, i think it’s clear they know the person wasn’t invited).

Post # 34
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

sf618b :  I appreciate the sentiment, that hormones have no effect on us. And I don’t like it being used as an excuse for everything either. 

It has merit though! Since I finished menopause, I feel like a new person, unencumbered by those sometimes nasty hormones. I look back on myself, a screaming mimi, a nutcase. I wonder how anyone put up with me. 

My mother had PMS and all the horrors of menstruation much worse tham I did, in a time there was precious little help. 

Post # 35
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ugh this happened to me. We had a smallish wedding, so we were reserving +1’s for guests in actual relationships. We didn’t have a minimum length of relationship, just a general relationship. My husband’s cousin threw a fit about it. He typically brings his friend’s mom that he hooks up with occasionally (he’s only 24). We didn’t want to use up a spot for her when we could give that spot to someone important. To prevent people from bringing uninvited guests, our RSVP cards included “we have reserved ___ seats in your honor” and “number attending: ___ of __.” For him we put 1. He wrote “2 of 1” and wrote in the name of the uninvited guest. He crossed it off before sending it in, but it was still irritating. We ended up being able to give him a +1 after enough people said they weren’t attended. He brought a more age appropriate date (someone else he was trying to just hook up with). He also convinced his brother and another cousin to bring some of his friends as dates so he could have his own mini party. I’m still a little salty about it.

Post # 36
141 posts
Blushing bee

missmollybee :  We only gave people an unspecified +1 if they were single and wouldn’t know anyone. Even for the people in brand new relationships (like so new I hadn’t met their SO yet), we invited those people by name. Single people who would know others at the wedding didn’t get a +1. We had a couple of people ask, which was cool and we accommodated them. However, one single cousin added the person he’d been seeing as a “maybe” on the website. I would have been totally happy to include her if he had asked, and if it had been a definite response. But maybe! There is no maybe option, we are planning food and seating around the guest list! 

Post # 37
54 posts
Worker bee

I also used the closed invites via TheKnot and have had people add folks using the notes section. So far, the additional people have been adult single children of the couple and are also family friends. Like you, since we have had spaces open up due to No’s, I let it slide. 

Leave a comment

Find Amazing Vendors