Post # 1
i used this platform going through my wedding and divorce and one awful post divorce relationship so I hope you don’t mind this is a dating question.
I rushed into my first relationship post divorce. He was an a** as per previous posts. I took a bit of time to heal.
I have a friend of a friend who I know has always been attracted to me. At first sight, he asked me out but I was with crappy boyfriend. That was 18months ago.
Last Christmas, we were out with my friend and this guy and he asked if I would dump crappy boyfriend (my friend told him I was cheated on, lied to etc.) and give him a chance and he would look after me.
So we went on holiday last week as a group. He told my friend how much he liked me. We proceeded to drink quite a bit, ended up talking and kissing. I’m attracted to him, immensely.
Only problem is, he doesn’t have his life together and is suffering with depression. I feel like he would need a lot of care. He also dated a coworker of my friend so I feel like I’m just another pretty girl he fantasises about but my friend said he does genuinely like me but he doesn’t feel good enough for me hence he’s always been shy.
He was affectionate for the rest of the holiday and as soon as I got home, messaged me to tell me he loved getting to know me better. Glad he could tell me how he felt, and hope we can hang out again soon.
The hang out bit has me worried. He asked me out twice since I’ve known him and it has always been formal dates. Now that we’ve kissed etc., does this sound like he’s not taking me seriously?
I teplied and told him it was nice to get to know him too. No reply but I was hoping he’d propose a date. It’s been a few days since we’ve gotten back. I’m really confused about what to say.
Post # 2
I don’t see the link between him dating a coworker of your friend and that meaning you are “just another pretty girl he fantasizes about”.
Him not having his life together and suffering from mental illness aside the first thing that would put me off is him trying to pursue you while you were in a long term relationship.
Post # 3
mendingbee : “Only problem is, he doesn’t have his life together and is suffering with depression. I feel like he would need a lot of care.”
Just remember, it’s your life. It’s not intolerant or close minded to say these are things you can’t or don’t want to deal with. It’s one thing when a couple has a long history and a commitment, but you don’t owe this guy anything.
I would not choose to date someone who didn’t have his life together and one should never see someone with the thought of being the one to change him.
Post # 4
He wasn’t pursuing me, he was telling me that I know that my ex wasn’t right for me and if I gave him a chance (after breaking it off with ex), he would treat me way better. He wasn’t expecting me to cheat on my ex with him.
Post # 5
This sounds like another bad relationship in the making. You’re still in need of healing and he’s not together. Its a red flag and pretty cringy that he pulled the ” break up with your boyfriend and I’ll look after you” line. He obviously can’t look after you and it says a lot about how he views women when that’s where his mind goes to. It also sounds like he’s playing phone games, another red flag. I’m not buying the whole he’s shy bit either. This guy’s has asked you out twice once while he knew you were in a relationship.
Post # 7
He sounds like a project. No projects.
Post # 8
mendingbee : telling you to break up with your boyfriend and then date him is pursuing you.
Post # 9
SVandy60918 : he didn’t know I had a boyfriend the first time and by the time he asked me out again, my ex had cheated on me, dumped me, went back to the girl he cheated on me with whilst talking to other females and he came back to me to ‘make it work’ which it was obviously never going to.
This guy knew all of this. I don’t think it’s as black and white as he asked me out when I had a bf. what do you think?
Post # 10
mendingbee : No Bee. This guy does not sound like a good fit for you. Not at all.
Post # 11
I think this is not healthy for either of you. You are again rushing into a relationship without giving yourself time to heal and get perspective. He’s pushing to start a relationship when what he SHOULD be doing is taking things slow and being content with being friends until you’re actually ready for a relationship, which apparently you are not.
Post # 12
mendingbee : the first time when he didn’t know was perfectly fine. I can see why it seems justifiable the second time but no matter how awful your ex was you were clearly in a vulnerable place and to use that situation as a way to get you for himself seems manipulative. Maybe that wasn’t his intention but it’s not ok to inject yourself in other people’s relationships with the intention of getting something (you) our of it for yourself. That ask with the “I’ll take care of you” put out there just makes me cringe hard. you’re clearly attracted to him but should you be? You’re been picking the wrong guys and from the sounds of it your need to raise your standards.
Post # 13
“…and give him a chance and he would look after me.”
This guy sounds like a real winner. Stop dating and work on yourself.
Post # 14
Are you going to pursue therapy at all? Your standards for a partner are below dirt level and unless you start expecting and DEMANDING better for yourself you’ll always have poor results.
Post # 15
Misogyny alert! How does he think he can “look after you” when he doesn’t have his own shit together. Gross. I would avoid. He was also definitely persuing you while you were in a relationship. He was just doing it by being a sneaky “nice guy”. Ugggg
You don’t want someone who proclaims he will take care of you. You also don’t want someone who needs taking care of. You are a grown woman and perfectly capable of running your own life without any assistance from a man. What you want is an equal partner