Post # 61
happiekrappie : Maybe “fantasizing” was too strong of a word haha but I have thought about it in my saddest, most vulnerable moments. It is so frustrating! I just love him so much, and I know he loves me too. He is such a good man, he really is. He is so kind and so good and intelligent and ambitious and hardworking. He has so much going on with work right now, I feel like maybe if i just hold on until things settle a bit more then everything will be ok. And then I worry that what I am doing is putting his needs above my own. I feel like I make excuses for that as well, like he IS really busy. But then again, so am I! I run my own business, it is my busy time of year, and I am in the process of expanding right now in a few different directions. I still feel like I am able to be there for him and prioritize our relationship though. I just don’t know. I do not feel prioritized by him. Then I feel guilty for feeling like I should get more attention (for lack of a better word?) like I am being selfish.
Post # 62
No one is too busy to do what they want to do.
Post # 63
OP, this is what you wrote four months ago: I brought it up to SO and told him what she said in a kind of teasing way and said how perfect an Italian propsal would be (my brother and my best friend and her family are all still meeting us over there for a week) and he got all flustered and was like “Babe stop, you’re going to ruin it!”
So, no proposal in Italy then?
I’m sorry but your boyfriend is not a good man. Any person in your position would have believed a proposal was coming on the Italy trip because that is exactly what he deliberately led you to believe. then he did not propose.
He does not want to marry you and, adding insult to injury, he is not an honest person.
At this point he’s insulting your intelligence. How much more time are you going to waste with this person? How much more energy will you spend trying to justify behavior that cannot be justified? More to the point, why do you even want to marry someoine that has to be dragged kicking and screaming to the point of proposing? You deserve more than that!
ETA: In your original post you mention that he’s relocating for work and wants you to come, but you didn’t want to do that without being engaged. What’s going on with that?
Post # 64
tiffanybruiser : I teared up reading this. I know I need to hear it, but it is not easy.
As for the work relocation, there have been some developments with some new opportunities at home, so everything is very up in the air right now. If things with the new opportunity work out how I think they will, we will not have to relocate afterall.
Post # 65
so you are his girlfriend until he determines at a later time when it’s convienient for him to propose to you. He can afford it. He can try sqeeze in 30 minutes every lunch break to pop in a jewelry store sometime in the near future or before he goes home to you or before he goes to work. But he will always have an excuse for the execution.
Stop being sad take ahold of your life, go out there buy a cheap ring tell Him he’s too damn busy to make a move and do it yourself. Go out your damn way because he isn’t going to.tell him you are going to marry in the next few weeks set an appointment at the county office and see what he says. And tell his mother too (apperantly its a condition) If he says yes. Damn you got what you wanted and a permenant ring can come whenever (it’s not like it was coming anytime soon anyways)
if he makes another excuse then he just simply doesn’t want to marry you. And if you still want to be with him after this then daammmnn you really do love him and being his girlfriend is ok.
Post # 67
queensav : “he IS really busy” — Ok, but he just had a vacation that would have been perfect. And is he too busy to play XBox or golf or whatever his thing is? “Well that’s how he winds down, doesn’t he deserve to do something fun after a long week of work?” — That’s my point — he finds time for the things he enjoys. When it’s something he wants to do, he does it. He hasn’t gone ring shopping because it’s a chore. He doesn’t want to do it. He was probably bluffing (again) when he asked if you’d come ring-shopping with him, only this time, instead of calling his bluff and saying “sure!” you said no which is basically permission to push it off another few months.
Post # 68
dreeceves : If that is the only way that we will get married then I would rather be alone.
Daisy_Mae : The only thing he really does in his spare time is more work – he trades stocks and crypto and writes scripts etc for it. He has invested a lot of time and energy over the last two years into it, pretty much all of his free time is spent on that. He is very motivated for us to be financially secure in the future.
Post # 69
queensav : You keep talking as though you’re a secure unit: “we will not have to relocate.” “He is very motivated for us to be financially secure in the future.”
I doubt that he views the two of you as “we” and “us” the same way that you do. And who gives a damn if he’s motivated to be financially secure for the future if he refuses to demonstrate that he considers you a non-negotiable component of that future? I don’t think this guy wants to commit to you because his actions show the exact opposite at every possible turn. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this turmoil…but I think the other bees are right and you need to take charge of your life and move on before wasting more time with someone who doesn’t want to create a shared future with you.
Post # 70
queensav : Are you sure he’s very motivated for “US” to be secure? Or is it for HIM to be secure?
Post # 71
Bee, they’re ALL busy.
We’re all busy.
It’s 2019. Everyone is busy.
Fortunately, proposing doesn’t take all that much time.
Will you marry me?
See, that’s it. The whole thing. Men who run giant multinational corporations and entire countries have somehow found ways to work it into their schedules, Bee.
Post # 72
I just wanted to add that anyone who can knowingly put someone they love through stress and anxiety for 10 months is not a good person.
If you know your loved one is hurting about something you are not addressing, how can you be so heartless as to let them suffer for almost a year? You have been wondering “will he/ won’t he” for such a long time at this point and he knows you are anxious about it. And he has given you no indication that your agonizing will ever end. Who does that?!
Bee, he is NOT a good guy. He is cruel and heartless. And at this point, it’s on you if you let this continue. I don’t think you’re at the point where you’re ready to leave, but I think you will get there.
He is busy preparing for HIS financial security, NOT yours. He has made that very clear.
Post # 73
queensav : okay well you seem to have enough excuses for him that he doesn’t have to make any. So why exactly are you here complaining? You’re okay with being a girlfriend because you’ve made that clear. Keep making excuses for him and see where you end up.
Post # 74
“The only thing he really does in his spare time is more work” — So even work is more rewarding for him than planning your future together.
“He is very motivated for us to be financially secure in the future.” — ftfy. He hasn’t given you much reason to be confident you’re part of his future. Even if he does propose in the next two months, he waited until he had to. That wouldn’t make me feel great.
Post # 75
queensav : Okay I get it bee. You’re afraid. You’re afraid to push for the truth because you already know what he’d say if pushed so you’re content to wait it out, make excuse after excuse for his failing to do the ONE thing he knows you want. He’s too busy, stressed, “pressured”.
Like Sassy said it takes NO time to ask a simple question…Will you marry me? Just 4 little words and yet he doesn’t have time to utter them.
Own up to the fact that you’re making a choice here bee. You are choosing to look the other way. Choosing to allow someone else to determine your future when last time I checked that was YOUR job. You are choosing to live with the uncertainty, frustration, vagueness, resentment, pain of wondering why you aren’t good enough to be his wife……all out of fear.
His lack of action, with no explanation has sent a clear message….you are choosing to ignore that.
So just know that we’ve ALL been there. All had that fear and guess what? The worst happened and it was painful..BUT…… we survived. Quite a few of us have gone on to find happiness in new relationships.
This is a growth moment for you bee. I hope you get clarity soon and not waste anymore of your time.