Post # 16
You guys have been super helpful. We normally communicate pretty well but as someone mentioned, I think he thinks it’s somewhat of a “control” thing. Like he has to “check in”. I’ve tried telling him it’s for awareness purposes and courtesy more than anything.
He’s also said that if I ask who he’s going out with then he’ll just tell me but why do I even have to ask? Why not just say in one complete sentence, “hey I’m stepping out with so and so”. I plan to have another chat with him tho about this.
Post # 17
This is not normal or acceptable in my view. If his perception is that something as innocuous as this is you trying to “control” him then watch out. This will likely come up in many other ways and on many other occasions. I couldn’t deal with the lack of consideration.
Post # 18
Sorry but he your fiance (or serious boyfriend or husband) has to check in, it is out of respect and common courtesy. I would not only be mad, it would be unacceptable. Especially if it is unplanned or last minute. I mean come on, does he not care how you plan to spend your evening? That would so rub me the wrong way.
Post # 19
sf618b : you’re seriously suggesting playing an immature game rather than talking to him? I think this Is terrible advice OP, I’ve already commented that I would be annoyed but don’t play childish games. Talk to your man, let him know your expectations and that you’re not being controlling, just want him to show you some consideration. It really might be innocent and he doesn’t realize he’s being inconsiderate, or there could be something else going on but the best way to find out is by having a conversation like mature adults.
Post # 20
This is definitely not normal for most men and it would really bother me. I actually think there is something more to this under the surface, your need to clarify that you aren’t asking where he is going to be nosey just seems like ott justification and him feeling controlled isn’t normal either.
If my fiancé told me he was going with friends tomorrow I would typically ask him where he’s going and who is going as a topic of conversation, because I’m interested in his life. I don’t spin it as needing to know because I’m worried about his safety.
Post # 21
It’s also for safety. Say he goes out & his cell goes dead. You’re trying to get a hold of him because of a family emergency, but you don’t know where he is, what activity he’s doing, or who he’s with. What if he goes missing?
Post # 22
I agree, he’s making way too big of a deal about something that’s easy to do, you’re not asking for much! My boyfriend and I struggled at the start of our relationship because he has A LOT of friends who would be texting and calling a lot to get together. This has dwindled as the years have gone by and some of them started serious relationships. Even with that in the early stages of our relationship, he always kept me in the loop. I’d describe him as a very independent person too, and we never had to talk about this topic. I think it may also be because he wants and expects the same courtesy. Do you let him know before you meet with a girlfriend? Has he imagined how it would feel with the tables turned?
Post # 23
I find it a little weird, he has a phone, right?
I’d just say gotta go, be back around, whenever o’clock. Text me.
If you two already had plans, or dinner, that’s different, or if he is being sketchy…
Freedom and trust is a gift…
Post # 24
My ex was like this and he tried to make me out to be controlling when it was him that actually was. I think he enjoyed making me anxious and had a case of male bravado where he just wasn’t going to tell me because he was the “man” and in his mind the man doesn’t have to answer to anyone.
It became a problem in other ways too where he’d say he’d be right back and wouldn’t come back for hours, and if I called I was “acting like his mother”. He wasn’t even cheating at that point it was just a control issue. But for me, I wish I would have decided then to put my foot down. It’s not normal, it’s about common courtesy if you are living together so the other person doesn’t worry or prepare dinner or whatever expecting you show up when you have no intentions of it.
If I were you, I would get that squared away before getting married, or else you’ll be dealing with it for the rest of your marriage. I also detest having to explain basic things to grown men. Like seriously this isn’t a difficult concept to grasp. It’s about respect.
Post # 25
Absolutely agree. Stupid games will get you . . . oh, everybody already knows that one.
I’m not sure I have ever asked Dh where he’s going, in the past eight years. He just always tells me. Always has. Sometimes, I really don’t need to hear it, he’s pretty predictable, I know he’s going to the grocery store. Hell, he tells me when he’s going upstairs to do something in his office for awhile.
Latebloomerbee78 is exactly right. One of the trade offs you make when you create a committed relationship is accountability.
Post # 26
I’m used to my boyfriends telling me every tedious aspect of their day unprompted, all the way down to the type of sandwich they ate for lunch, so this is super foreign and alien. Do you guys not chat in general that much?