Post # 1
Member
17 posts
Newbee
This post is for those who are currently engaged or married. I’m wondering if anyone can relate to my situation. If you haven’t read my earlier post, basically I wrote that my boyfriend of 5 years has promised to marry me in the next year or so and to propose by this summer. We’ve had several talks initiated by me and it seems that he finally understands how important it is to me to have an idea of whether or not we are going to get married. I told him I don’t want to be in the same exact position (girlfriend) a year from now and he promised I won’t be.
Long story short, I have a promise from a man who has never broken one. I trust him and love him with all my heart but it’s incredibly difficult to wait for the proposal, especially because I feel so powerless.
Anyway, my question is have you ever experienced a similar situation and did it turn out the way he said? I know it varies from person to person but i’d really like to hear other people’s stories. Thanks.
Post # 3
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Ahh, yes, I was in this type of position before we were engaged. He basically told me he would by X month, and it was X month that he did it. Unfortunately that was an almost six-month wait from when he said it to X month. Lol. BUT, he did do it by that time. It was just horrid having to wait. I still don’t understand why he “made me wait,” but the proposal was amazing, and he did seem to have had it planned out, so I gave it to him. It worked out. 🙂
Post # 4
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
My husband promised I’d get a proposal but he never gave me a time frame. I was told on different occasions “when the time is right” and “soon.” It was hard waiting when I had no idea what his definition of “soon” was, much less what he meant by “when the time is right.” So I can definitely relate to your frustration.
But his promise was good. He told me “soon” in November and proposed on New Year’s Eve. I’m hopiing things work out just as well for you.
Post # 5
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
@Claudia30: Can I ask how old you are? I wouldn’t rush anyone into marriage. My fiance and I always talked about marriage and agreed that we both wanted the same things. I do not believe in pressuring men into proposals. If you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship, maybe you should consider moving on. On the other hand, if you believe he is the man for you then the wait will be worth it. Dont push him, it’s not worth it!
Post # 6
Member
17 posts
Newbee
@missmichigan: We’re both 30 and I haven’t pressured him, but asked him where he sees us and told him what I would like in my life. There’s no doubt he wants to be with me forever. The problem is that I don’t want to wait 5 more years to get married because i do want to have kids. I didn’t tell him that but he gets the idea. I think he would wait a few more years if he could–which is why I had those talks with him. As it is, I’ve waited way too long!!!
Post # 7
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
@Claudia30: I see. My bad on that one. I think maybe you should sit him down and tell him your concerns. An ulitmatum may be in order.
Post # 8
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
I have a friend that was dating a man for 6 years. She kept putting a deadline on him, they went to Therapy, she did everything she could to get him to propose.
What I didnt get is, he kept saying he WANTS to get married, but he never made any effort to do it. Always kept putting it off, when there was a deadline, he would make an excuse and they’d make another deadline.
My friend would have been happy eloping, or even going to civil court.
After 6 years she eventually dumped him. He obviously kept putting her on the back burner and wasn’t putting her first.
watching her go through this was very hard, we all advised her to move on and dump him, but because she put so much into the relationship, she couldnt dump him, she felt it was wasted time.
Well she finally had an epiphany and left him.
I dont think any woman should beg to be married to. If a man wants to do something he’ll do it. Maybe youre saving yourself from a miserable marriage? take the signs and go my dear.
Post # 9
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
None of these options.
We had briefly discussed marriage, but we never set any sort of timeline or anything like that because we were far too busy with other, more important aspects of our lives.
He did however catch me off guard and proposed much sooner than I thought he would.
Post # 10
Member
17 posts
Newbee
@missmichigan: At this point I don’t want to issue an ultimatum, particularly since he’s given me a promise. But if June rolls around and he hasn’t done anything, then I’ve reached my limit.
I do know one thing, we love each other dearly and have from the beginning wanted to be together forever. So Im going to give him the benefit of the doubt for a few more months, before having the final talk.
Post # 11
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
This isnt my situation…it is my SILs
She has been dating her boyfriend for 3.5 years, they have lived together (they dont right now because they are long distance) and they have talked about marriage. She is 27 going on 28 and he is 26 going on 27. He has given her several “timelines” saying that he will propose within this time period or after this certain thing happens. Well time and events have come and gone and there is still no proposal. She is still with him, but I dont think she will wait around forever. She hasnt said “Ill leave by this time” but she wouldnt put up with it for 3.5 more years (I dont think).
Im sorry that youre going through this. At 30 I would think a man would be able to “settle down” especially after 5 years of dating. Honestly I would just be reall straight forward with him. If he truly loves you and can see himself marrying you he will step up to the plate.
Post # 12
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
@Claudia30: Well I’m sure there are a lot of women in your shoes. You just have to decide how much is your limit and what you will do to get what you want. Good luck!
Post # 13
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
Before we got engaged, my FH and I had a couple of conversations in which we decided that we both wanted to get engaged. I asked him when it would happen because I am not a patient person, and he said within a year (it was October). He proposed the next Valentine’s Day, eight months before his timeline was up. I love and trust my FH, and I just had to believe that he was being genuine and it would happen.
You have a promise from your SO and I think you just have to wait it out to see if it happens or not. At this point (now that he has given you a specific timeline), if you continue to talk about it/ ask him when it’s going to happen/ nag or badger him/ etc., it almost certainly will not have the desired effect. If he is not going to propose in the time frame he set, no amount of the above will get him to propose earlier, in my opinion. All you can really do is try to be patient and wait it out. If he does propose, it will be because he wants to. If he doesn’t, then go from there.
As they say, sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do nothing.
Post # 14
Member
17 posts
Newbee
@JenniMichele: I absolutely agree with you and thanks so much for the advice! Yes, the LAST thing I want is to get a proposal out of nagging. Even though we’ve had a few discussions about marriage, I’ve made sure to never seem pushy because I don’t want to second guess his intentions once he does propose. I want it to be genuine so yes, I have to keep my mouth shut until June/July. It’s not going to be easy…
Post # 15
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@Claudia30: “I don’t want to wait 5 more years to get married because i do want to have kids. I didn’t tell him that but he gets the idea.“
Does he get the idea? Men can’t read our minds. It’s the responsibility of both people in a relationship to communicate clearly and ask the tough questions. Expecting someone to pick up on subtle hints or indirect needs/requests is just asking for hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I think you should sit down with him and talk about the What and the Why of when you want to get married – in a calm, loving way – without ultimatums. Make sure you are on the same page.
Post # 16
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
I didn’t go through the whole “waiting” thing, so maybe this is too easy for me to say, but if a man wants to marry you he will make it happen without you having to whine, wheedle, cajole him into proposing to you.
At age 30, 5+ years of dating should be plenty of time to decide whether you want to spend your life with someone. Give him until June, and if June comes and goes without a proposal, move on and start meeting marriage-minded men.
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