Post # 1
Here on the good ol’ waiting boards, we all have many different and unique reasons for not being engaged to our partners quite yet – finances, distance, academic programs – the list goes on and on.
However, something has me stumped lately. So many of us seem to be waiting until our guy is fully ready to propose. We have these serious conversations with our partners, and they sweetly declare their love, claim that they’ve always known you’re the one, and that you *will* get your ring soon enough. When the time is right.
What the heck does this mean? Especially for those who live together, and essentially live the day-to-day life of husband and wife, this can be so frustrating. On the surface, getting engaged, and ultimately, getting married, wouldn’t be much of a lifestyle change for my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I or – from what I read on these boards – many other ‘waiting’ couples. So what the heck are they waiting for?
What makes a man suddenly ready for marriage anyway? Thoughts?
ETA: I should probably clarify that I’m mainly talking about being mentally/emotionally ready for marriage, rather than ready in the sense of saving enough money for an engagement ring/wedding, being done with a grad school program, etc.
Post # 3
Well, I can’t exactly speak for Mr. Tiny, but from what I’ve gathered, he’s not ready for the proposal/engagement/marriage until:
1) He is financially secure and stable
2) He is able to provide for me and our future family in all aspects (emotionally, financially, physically, etc.)
Mr. Tiny also sees the engagement as basically being married anyway. He is also the type of person who needs everything to be “ready” before he can begin doing something.
Post # 4
Ha! That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?
I think it’s the fear of commitment, fear of the permanent. He has to learn one or more of the following concepts:
1) realize that there is always some risk to committing to someone, you can’t expect “perfection” or know exactly what the future holds
2) overcome possible “buyer’s remorse”, i.e. what if it turns out badly? and realize that marriage doesn’t “turn out” one way or the other, you CHOOSE to create you marriage the way you want
3) he wants something that his Girlfriend can’t do without a commitment, i.e. moving in, moving to another city for him, etc.
4) gets a kick in the pants becuase she’s leaving/moving out
Just my 2 cents.
Post # 5
I would agree with @misstiny:. Mr. Schmidt has a definite time line that he would like to stick to. Even though we’ve been together over 3.5 years, he got very nervous and anxious if I ever brought up getting married/engaged – despite the fact that he had already told me numerous times he wanted to be with me forever. He graduated with his MBA in July and was able to get a job in August. Within a week of him getting the job, he offered to buy a years subscription to BRIDES. He just needed to have a job/source of income before he felt like a “real man” and ‘was ready to get married. I don’t have my ring yet, but mostly because the jeweler we are buying from is having a big sale at the end of October – that’s what I get for wanting to marry a man with a degree in Finance. 😉
Post # 6
I’m hoping that he’s waiting to *wow* me with a proposal and a nice ring… or at least that’s what I tell myself!
I also sort of don’t “get” the problem since we’ve been together for 3.5 years, live together, moved to a new city together, have agreed to stay together, etc… For my guy I think it’s just about getting everything in order and making the move to propose. Some guys will just keep on doing the same things if they are happy. As in, they think “why propose if we are happy as is?” or “why get married if we don’t want to have kids?” …who knows?
Post # 7
In my Mr.’s case, not being ready meant that he wasn’t sure he wanted the same things as me – i.e kids/family – and he knew it wasn’t right for him to propose before he had that figured out.
But in the absence of any real, concrete fears, I think @PinkBubbleGum hit it – I think there’s a “What’s the rush” or “Why rock the boat” sense in a lot of guys. Mine said at one point that guys just don’t have the sense of urgency that we do about marriage, so they’ll just keep trucking happily along. Eventually the “I love her and we should get married” idea builds up enough that they’ll get off their butts and do something about it. 😉
Post # 8
In my guys case he doesn’t feel comfortable with parents paying for the whole wedding and he also wants to have the full on wedding as well. So we are in savings mode…
He has said many times, when I feel the waiting part is too hard or I get annoyed by all the questions from our friends, that he would ask me to marry him in a second if it made me feel better. Then we sit there and talk about why we are still waiting and how it doesn’t change how we feel about each other.
He well and truly believes he is married (we live together) and that we are just saving to have the party to confirm that with friends.
Its frustrating that we cant afford to be where we want at the moment, but I have to try and keep myself calm and keep the big picture in mind!
Post # 9
They grow up! Or wake up. They realize there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. They come to the realization that they do want to make a lifetime committment to you….they do want kids…..they can’t imagine their life without you.
They’re ready to not always listen to their parents anymore, etc.