(Closed) When his family basically hates you…

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: Should I break up with him
    Yes : (46 votes)
    85 %
    No : (8 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    7561 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    It sounds like FI’s having some problems adjusting to being half of a couple. You guys need to work on it but these problems don’t sound like they’re so horrible that I would immediately leave. It sounds like you guys need to reconnect and spend some time talking about your expectations. Maybe postpone the wedding to think about things some more? 

    What worries me is that you’re thinking about breaking up because of these problems. You’re likely to run into much greater problems than these as a married couple, and you both need to be comitted to making it work. Do you think you’re both in it for the long haul? 

    Post # 4
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    Please leave him. A healthy relationship isn’t so hard to be in and he can clearly defend himself to you but has problems defending you.

    Post # 5
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    The “my way or the highway” attitude and letting his parents insult you would be big red flags for me.  I think asking you to leave, but not leaving with you, is especially awful.

    I can’t tell you whether you should stay with him or not, because I don’t know anything about his good sides.  But if you want to end it, the reasons gave are certainly valid ones.

    Post # 6
    901 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone when his family hates me so much. When you marry, you marry someone’s family, too. It’s not as bad if they don’t live closeby but it sounds like you live close to them.

    Why exactly do they behave this way towards you? What do they say about it? 

    Your Fiance should absolutely defend you but you should know that’s going to wear very thin after a while. It sounds like it’s wearing thin right now. It’s a difficult position to be put in to have to essentially choose between your future wife and the family you’ve had your whole life. He may resent you for it at this point. If not now, he may in the future.

    I don’t know that you should just drop everything and leave him, but maybe postponing the wedding isn’t the worst idea. Maybe that’s what he was thinking when he suggested postponing until December.


    Post # 7
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    A lot of warning flags here. 

    If you don’t want to leave him then I think couples counseling or therapy is in order.  

    Worry more about him and less about the parents.  If he’s on your side like he should be then the parent issue wouldn’t matter so much.  Problem is he’s not on your side like he should be.  Which means he doesn’t want to be a true life partner with you.

    I would definitely pospone the wedding for now.  Don’t go through with a wedding you don’t want (600 people?!?!?!) to a man you’re not sure of.  Try counseling/therapy and see if you can fix what’s broken.  If so, great, if not, move on.


    Post # 8
    31 posts

    The whole ‘house is in my name, so I make the decisions’ just doesn’t do it for me. I’d break up wit him.

    If he’s behaving like this now, no doubt he’ll only get worse after marriage. Contrary to popular fiction, people don’t change. He won’t start siding with you over his mother.

    And then there’s the fact that he insulted your parents. Big no no.

    Post # 9
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    The fact that it’s totally cool for so many random people from his side to attend, but it doesn’t matter to him that your best friend can’t make it…that’s enough for me.


    I’m sorry if this isn’t the news you wanted to hear…=(

    Post # 10
    2917 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    My advice would be: postpone the wedding and go get some couples counseling.

    Post # 11
    5428 posts
    Bee Keeper

    The whole house is in his name only? Why?

    So he can make you his slave and you get nothing if he decides to kick you out of “his house” because he found someone his parents like better?

    I suggest you talk to a counsellor (emotions) and lawyer (house) and see how you fare in this one sided relationship. I can tell you right now, it’s not looking good!

    Post # 12
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I am so sorry this is happening to you =/ My heart goes out to you.

    Like other Bees, I really think you should leave. His mother thinks she can get away with treating you the way she does because he has let her. Also, the whole “house is in my name” thing really irritates me. You are getting ready to be married. What’s yours is his and what is his is yours. Not what is yours is his and what is his is his.

    Post # 13
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee

    @balletflats:  My mom doesn’t get along with my dads family. after trying for the first couple years of the marriage they just consigned themselves to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen. Now my dad maintains a relationship but his family understands my moms off limits and will stay away. So perhaps you don’t need him to have to disrespect his family, but he should also establish that your relationship and you are off limits to them if the can’t be supportive.

    Post # 14
    757 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Yeah I think you definitely need to get counseling and force him to go with you. If he won’t go, then he obviously doesn’t want to work on your issues.

    More importantly, you shouldn’t marry him if you are having doubts that make you not want to marry him. If you can’t be a part of this family for the rest of your life, and the man isn’t worth the family, then don’t put yourself through it. There will be someone else for you, with whom it isn’t this hard to be in a relationship.

    I think insulting your family and having a wedding that doesn’t reflect anything you want is enough, but the treating you like a child by not including you in the purchase of the house and decorating would probably be a last straw. 

    Post # 15
    2106 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    His family isn’t the problem. If he can’t choose your happiness over his parents now then he never will. Counseling + postpone the wedding. Otherwise leave. 

    Post # 16
    169 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2000

    I voted yes but it wasn’t because of the way his parents treat you, but because of the way he treats you.

    The whole couch thing would be a non-issue for me-I’d have no problem using it for a while  (you can always use a pretty slip cover). It’s expensive to furnish a whole house with new thing. I can’t begin to count how many people I know who furnished their first home in “garage sale” decor and replaced with new as they went along.

    But, him saying “It’s my house”? No-this is a house that is supposed to be for both of you.

    And letting his parents treat you any old way? And his idea of “protecting” you is to shuffle you out of the door while he stays behind?? No buddy-in my mind you just chose your parents over me!

    In your examples I see him putting his parents and himself before you–and this isn’t likely to change after marriage. What you see now is what you get.

    His house. Your wedding is becoming a wedding for his parents. What else is not yours?

    I’d be out of there in a flash. Maybe if he saw you were serious, he would agree to counseling and a big attitude change. If not, I’d just continue on my merry way and make a new life for myself that did not include him or his parents.




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