(Closed) When is an SO no longer a “Guest”?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I think its only bad ettiquete when the person is engaged. Before that if you put and guest or a name, its questionable. If you had been together 10 years and got an “and guest” that would be bad form.  Its a gray line definately. Also, how well the person inviting you knows the “and guest or SO” person. Have you met once? never? every weekend?

Post # 4
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Well technically you’re never supposed to write “and guest.”  You’re always supposed to find out the name of the guest and write the invite to both of them.  Practically, we wrote both people’s names when they were established couples, and then for the couple instances of allowing +1’s to people not in relationships (bridal party only), we wrote “and guest” just so they knew they got one.  But someone who sends the invite to their guest’s mother’s house because they can’t even be bothered to find out your address probably doesn’t care much about invitation etiquette in the first place.

Post # 5
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

I think that after six years together, if they can’t be bothered to use your name, then it is a definite etiquette faux pas. It just says that they really don’t care. Also, all couples that were invited to ours were addressed by name, not one invite went out “john doe and guest” if john doe was in a committed relationship.

Post # 6
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would be upset, I would think by now they should have made more of an effort to inquire about your information so you are not just “and guest.” I agree with PP that its never appropriate to write and guest. 

Post # 7
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

We had a few “and guest’s” but they were only for people who were A. not in a relationship (my cousin who’s also our officiant), B. The relationship is sort of up in the air (wouldn’t want the flavor of the week being specifically invited if they’re probably not going to be sticking around) or C. I simply didn’t know their SO’s name because we’ve never met (a step cousin who lives about 1000 miles away – I’m sure I could have found our her BF’s name but I was lazy). 

I’m sure there are other scenerios where “and guest” would really be the only option but once you’re in a commited relationship you should absolutely be personally addressed. 

I was’t even given the honor of being “and guest” on FI’s aunts wedding invitation that was addressed to only him. We had been together and cohabitating for more than 4 years by this point and I had met her like dozens of times. I was pissed that it was only addressed to him since I automatically assumed that I wasn’t invited. Apparently his aunt didn’t know my last name (um, you live NEXT door to FI’s parents and WE’RE FACEBOOK FRIENDS!) so she just decided to leave me off all together but she assured me that I was invited. I felt horribly awkward even attending that wedding having not been personally invited. As it turns out there were like 75 people who showed up who didn’t RSVP. I couldn’t help but feel like she was including me in that number. 

Post # 8
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

What @Miss OBG:said.  You should never write “and Guest” you should always find out the name of the guest and invite that person by name.

If someone couldn’t be bothered to find out my address or name I don’t think I would go.  They obviouslly don’t care that much if I am there, so I will save them the trouble of my company (and gift).  Eventually, people will either invite you by name, or just stop inviting you at all, which doesn’t seem like a huge loss when they don’t know your name.

Post # 9
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I hate to play devils advocate… but traditionaly if you’re following proper ettiquete a +1 is always “and guest”. The only time two unmarried names would go on an invitation would be if both people were invitees and they lived together then on the outer envelope you would write both names. Otherwise, the outer envelope is only addressed to the invitee and the inner envelope to invitee and guest.

The reason for this is that it’s considered extremely rude to choose the “guest” of your invitee. Granted I agree that its unlikely someone would take anyone other than their SO. However, both names should never go on the invitation unless you’re inviting both people. In which case same invitation if they live together otherwise they should each receive their own.

However, I would be irked too especially now that you are engaged. But i wouldn’t put too much thought into this. This is one etiquette rule that seems to have not caught up with soceity and everyone handles it differently.

Post # 10
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

this pissed me off last year.  Mr. Meowerson and I weren’t engaged yet but we’d been together for 8 years, living together for 5, and some good friends of mine put “And Guest”.  Seriously?  you know his bloody name.

Post # 11
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i think it’s a bit rude if you’ve been together for any significant chunk of time, like a year or more. my cousin got married a month before me, and her wedding invite was addressed hubby as “guest,” which was pretty ridiculous, considering we were engaged and had been together for over 4 years at the time of her wedding. but then again, she misspelled his name on her std, so better to be “guest” than mispelled? 😛

Post # 12
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

My invites (every single one of them minue my 1 set of friend that are married) will say so and so +1 lol. I figured it was easy and then everyone could invite 1 person with them… That way they also can see that it’s ONE not 3. This tends to happen a lot with the type of reception I’m having (aka Rave)

Post # 13
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think any established couple it’s worth finding out the name of their significant other.  I invited all my guests to bring somebody if they wanted, so some of the people who were single or barely dating somebody at the time I sent out my invitations got an “and guest”.

Post # 14
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t know…I wrote “and guest” for some couples who had been together over two years. I honestly thought it was proper etiquette, and plus, it’s very hard to fit HisFirst HisLast and HerFirst HerLast, which only brings up more questions. It felt weird putting him first since I’ve met him a handful of times, whereas I’m very close to her. I also wanted to make sure she knew she could bring someone else if he couldn’t come. I really wouldn’t read this much into it. There are a lot of reasons it could have been done the way it was, and not all of them are a reflection on her opinion of you or your relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think technically if you know a person’s name you should use it. But I think a lot of people choose to use “and guest” until you’re engaged. I’m not sure what excuse there could be after you’re engaged. Except maybe they don’t know your last name and they’re too lazy to find out. :/

Post # 16
Member
10603 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I tried to avoid the ‘guest’ but with DH’s family (on one side) I gave up after a while.  I was given wrong last names, misspelled last names, no names for spouses.  His grandma even gave us incorrect last names for people in the family.  It wasn’t my family (although now it is!), and I did what I could.  There ended up being a lot of ‘guests’ and ‘family’.  It irritated me a bit, because for my family and friends I was using everything available to me (including some fb snooping) to get names & spellings.  I did try to watch the RSVPs carefully and correct any misinformation for the seating chart.  One person was really sweet, realized we obviously got the info from DH’s grandma and wrote a little note explaining the names of some of her immediate family.

Oh well, we’re invited (clearly B-list) to a wedding of the same family now.  I’m pretty sure I actually had their names correct.  They spelled my name incorrectly, and mailed the invitation to MIL&FIL’s house even though they had our invitation with our names and address.  That side of the family just does things a little differently.  ETA: I just took a peak at the invite, our names were on different lines.  It might just be a spacing issue.  At least my (incorrect) name was on it!

For anyone who gave us a gift I will go through all the cards and be careful to get the spellings correct.

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