(Closed) when is enough enough. whats the deal breaker for you?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
3198 posts
Sugar bee

I would leave. 

I expect my spouse to be my partner in everything. Sometimes we’re hurtful or unsupportive to each other, but we never, ever say these types of things to each other. What he is doing is abuse. 

Also, if I ever had an accidental pregnancy, I would expect him to let me choose what I wanted to do, just like he could then choose to remain in our marriage. We are both adults and are able to make our own decisions concerning our lives. Neither one should be coerced into doing something that they are morally opposed to with their own body. 

I would have a hard time not telling him “if you didn’t want another baby, you should have worn a condom. I did my half with BC, and it isn’t perfect. You dropped the ball as well” and then leaving. 

I get that he may be stressed, but then you have a fight (if yelling is acceptable in your relationship) where you express the source of your frustration, you don’t just personally attack the other person. 


Post # 17
11133 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s abusive.  Abusers sometimes escalate during pregnancies, please be aware of that & get yourself someplace safe.  Do you have family you can stay with?  There are DV centers that offer counseling as well.

Post # 18
563 posts
Busy bee

This is definitely abuse. I hope you have someone to talk to and are able to get appropriate help. 

Post # 19
135 posts
Blushing bee

First off, be careful of the advice you receive from strangers. Only you know the many layers that your relationship is built upon. Anyone who has ever been married (including me) knows that there are moments when you absolutely cannot stand your partner. I’d been there with my now ex-husband…but that wasn’t what broke us up. By the time we split up, there were many, many, many attempts at fixing what was wrong. Marriages fall apart when only one person gives up…not both…just one. But one thing I caution you on is…don’t make a lifelong decision while you are pregnant. Get through the pregnancy first (with all of the crazy hormones and emotions) before you assess what next to do. It could be that he’s feeling stressed with all of the responsibility that comes with taking care of a growing family…who knows. I’d say…try not to argue right now, take care of yourself and your babies, and be the peace in your home. Let the big decisions work themselves out in due time…but not now.

Post # 20
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Here are your options if you stay:

1. Have this child your husband doesn’t want. He will resent you and the child. His actions will get worse and the child (and your other children) will pick up on the hatred he feels.

2. Abort the child and live with the overwhelming regrets of not giving your child a life (note: not saying all women who have abortions live with regret, only saying this because the OP wants to have this child) and fester huge amounts of hatred towards your husband for pushing you to do this.

3. Try to make it work with him, go to counseling, get him to love the child and you again and live a happy life… knowing you had to force your husband to love you and your child. And wait for the next life event to trigger him into hatred towards you again. Apparently he does not handle stress/pressure well and in life, many more situations will arise that will cause the same issues. Some will be far worse than having an unplanned child (death, illness, disability, job-loss, financial hardships, moving… the list goes on).

None of these scenarios are appealing to me. Even if this is a “glitch” in the marriage as a PP seems to think, can  you ever forgive him for treating you this way? Will you ever forget? Will you ever truly see your husband in the same light after this? Even if he turned back into the perfect, loving father and husband, I know it would always be in the back of my mind.

I think it’s best to walk away from this relationship now. The love you knew before is forever tainted. You don’t deserve to live life like that. Find someone who will be by your side no matter what.   

fitchick89:  I can assure you, this is different than the occasional “god, my husband is really pissing me off this week. Sometimes I just can’t stand him!”

Post # 21
1411 posts
Bumble bee

The moment he said he didn’t want the baby and hates me would have been enough.  What a horrible way to treat your wife and mother of your children!  Even if you conceived by accident, that is no way for him to behave. Accidents happen and yes, it can be upsetting and scary, but he’s taking it too far saying those things and behaving like that.  You should definitely leave. Do you think he will be there for you and things will get better once the baby arrives?  I wouldn’t chance it. He’s made it clear how he truly feels.  I feel terrible for you!!  Don’t spend your life in misery with someone like that. I know you love him and he is still your husband and father to your children, but you don’t deserve all that abuse!

Post # 22
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

What is a dealbreaker for me? Someone telling me that they hate me and wish they hadn’t married me. Life is too short to be treated like that.

Post # 23
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

arkansas23:  wow the venom he’s being spewing at you means he resents you for something- and he is being cruel and emotionally abusive.

Has he always treated you this way? How does he treat your children?

I certainly wouldnt stay with someone that treated me like that

Post # 24
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why did things change so drastically with the new baby on the way? Is he a good father to your other children? Somethiing is missing here. Please just watch yourself and your children, and if you are not safe – that’s when enough is enough. Your instincts know. Watch this man carefully.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  Sunshine09.
Post # 25
2753 posts
Sugar bee

OP–if my guy EVER suggeston abortion he would be out the door so fast his head would spin and his clothes would be sent C.O.D.  That and addiction are two majo rdeal breakers for me.

Also, if he acted proprietary toward my Lotto winnings he’d be gone before breakfast.

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