(Closed) When is enough…(long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You need a healthy relationship, not unhealthy one.. to get on with life and face day to day. I say move… change is not a bad thing, sometimes its the BEST thing.

Leaving your comfort zone may not be nice. But I really think if youve given it your all and youve done what you could do and no change, then its time to go..

I think you should contact a legal rep (one of those free ones) and ask for advice. See where you stand on the issue. Bring it to the table. If you have been together for 6 years, you are entitled to half.

good luck!

Post # 4
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

You might love this man, but he is in no way acting as a life partner.  Given everything that is going on, you should definitely move on.  As hard as it will be, I promise in a year you will look back and wonder how you stayed in such a miserable situation.  Rent the house, or get a boarder.  Better to unwind the bills and all that BEFORE you are married than during a divorce.  Best of luck, GOOD THINGS are waiting for you!

Post # 5
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Thank you for your openness and honesty, MrsCox28.  It sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching and that this decition, as difficult as it may be, is what you feel is best for you.  Kuddos to you for that.  It takes a strong woman to stand up for what she feels is right for HER.  I admire and respect your strength.  Your words “I have checked out of this emotionally, mentally, physically. I am just not in it anymore. I dont want him to leave probably because I fear change. I fear losing my home that I have worked so hard for. I fear being alone.” are so importent.  You have every right to feel lost right now, to fear the unknown, but if you feel that this is what you want then these feelings will pass in time.  You are young, you have a job and a future.  There is so much ahead for you, even if it means going through this heartbreak now.  This is a time to take care of yourself.  Do you have friends or family that you feel you can go to at this time?  People you can confide in?  The house may not sell now, but it will sell in time.  This will most likely be a very difficult seperation for you, but it is better to know now then in a few years when you have even more to deal with. 

Thank you for your honesty.  So many have had to deal with this type of situation and it sounds like you are on the right path for you. 

Post # 6
2634 posts
Sugar bee

Oh my goodness.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.  (((hugs)))

My advice is don’t EVER stay with someone just because it’s “easier” – it is NO way to live your life, trust me, I’ve been there done that with an old ex-bf and it was awful and I was miserable.

Is he open to counseling?  If you feel like there is ANY hope that this relationship can be saved I’d get an appt with an counselor (for the BOTH of you) ASAP.

Good luck and best wishes.

Post # 7
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow I am sorry. I was thinking counseling may help, but if he won’t even GO to counseling, then you are pretty much up a creek without a paddle. 

Are things beyond repair? If you sit him down and say, “look. If we don’t fix things, I’m leaving. I’m tired of this” and explain what’s going on (hopefully without fighting–make a list? Don’t let him talk until you’ve aired your grievances), do you think he’ll snap out of it?

Personally I would have a hard time being with someone so un-emotional. Even if he’s depressed, he should’ve been there for you when you needed him.

He’s taking and not giving. He has taken you for granted and maybe he needs a wake up. Or, maybe it’d just be best to move on with your life if he’s not going to be a supportive life partner.

Post # 9
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If he doesn’t want to fix the relationship, you should move on.  The two of you should figure out a plan on how to split the mortgage (who will live there until you can sell).  If you think he isn’t going to pay the bills, I think you should sell the house now even if you won’t get a lot for it.  At least then you aren’t depending on him to pay the mortgage and worried that he will run off and not pay you for the house and then you have to go through a foreclosure.  I’m so sorry for this situation and I hope you find the best way to get out of the situation.

Post # 10
21 posts

I am sorry to here what is going on in your life right now I truely am but to be honest with you this is the best thing for you in the long run.  Sounds like you would be so much better off without him.  I married my high school sweetheart were were together since we were 16 got marreid at 24 and then divorced at 33.  I had a 4 year old and a 4 month old when we got divorced.  We had a house that neither one could afford on their own that we had to sell.  It was on the market for a year before we sold it for almost $60,000 less then what we paid for it 1.5 years prior.  It all sucks and it feels like the world is calapsing ontop of you.  Trust me everything works it self out.  I am now engaged to a wonder guy that is who I should really be with.  Me and my ex are friends still and he is a great guy but we just grow apart from each other.  You are not the same person you were when you were 16.  I know it doesnt feel like right now but everything will be fine and you will more on and find a great guy that you could not image living life without.  I know you don’t believe me cause people told me the same thing and I didn’t believe them at the time either.  It sounds like you are pretty busy between work and school.  Just keep yourself busy and do not let this bring you down.  In the long run this is going to make you such a strong person. 

Post # 11
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If he’s not willing to help and make compromises and not willing to muck in and help out how is he going to be a partner in a marriage which is all about being willing to muck in and compromises? You already say that you’ve suggested counselling and he doesn’t want to go. To me that sounds like he’s already given up on your relationship too and is just together with you because you’ve been together for this long. He’s taking you for granted and that’s an awful thing to do. 

Change is hard and it’s scary. I totally understand that. But you deserve better. You deserve a man who loves you and who’ll stop what he’s doing to help you out for 10 minutes of his day when you ask. But sometimes change is good. Sometimes life is all about taking a risk and letting go of all comfort zones and just doing what’s right for you.

I wish you all the best in whichever path you choose and hope that you are happy with whichever decision you make. Big hugs. Keep us posted.

Post # 13
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry. (((hugs)))

I think the other Bees have made some good suggestions already so I am not going to be redundant, just wanted to say that we’re thinking of you and support you and good luck as you deal with this.

Post # 14
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am sorry to say that it sounds like you know this relationship is over and that you also think its better for you to be done with it since its not really healthy. It is hard when you are used to something to just change everything all at once but in the end you will be so much happier and that should be all that matters right now. I would agree with ccranetobe contact a lawyer and see what you are entitled too since you have been together this long and own a house together. Also I would think about renting right now since the market isnt where it should be. Or sometimes selling it just to be done with it all is also the best solution. I hope it truly does get better for you but normally when we finally make a decision about something it seems to lift a weight off our back.

Post # 15
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this tough time. You made me think of a lyric from a song that I liked in college when I was going through a hard break up: “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”

I know that breaking up with him will be in no way the easiest thing to do, but it might be the best thing for you. No one deserves to be in an unhealthy relationship and it sounds like he is not someone who you want to marry. Try to work with him, but if he is not willing to be a loving life partner who gives 100% to your relationship I don’t think you should stay.

In terms of selling the house. I do not think it’s impossible. A lot of people put their homes on the market during the spring because more people are looking to buy. There are also a lot of first time homebuyers looking right now so that they can get the $8,000 tax credit before the end of April. You might have options to sell the house and start fresh. Perhaps calling a real estate agent or someone you have worked with in the past would help?

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