(Closed) when is it enough?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Try and be patient for a little longer – I know how very hard it is and saying this from the other side is a lot easier than living it. If he has the ring it is coming soon. He may be waiting because of your brother’s wedding and wants you to have your special moment. My Fiance had my ring for over 5 months and was trying to plan the perfect proposal before realising that asking me in our home together – just the two of us – was perfectly us. I’m sorry you feel like this – hopefully you don’t have to wait much longer now xox

Post # 4
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can’t imagine how impatient I would be after two missed timelines. Plus, I complete understand how your brothers upcoming wedding only makes it more difficult. I’m sure you are not wanting to talk to SO about it and some people will tell you to wait quietly because he has a ring but I tend to disagree, especially if you are considering an internal timeline for yourself. He needs to know where you are at. I’m sure you don’t want to throw off a suprise proposal if he is planning one so it is a risk to speak up but I think it is necessary to atleast gently express you believe he is moving forward but that with the past and present circumstances you are becoming more unhappy with the situation. You can always just express your desires that you understand the situations around you but that you would like to be engaged by the end of the semester. If I were you, I wouldn’t make it ultimatim(ish) but would let him know my comfortable timeline. Then if the timeline is missed I would consider staying until September before I left, to give him a little extra time to suprise you and to make things easier on the other wedding. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide and that you feel better about it all soon.

Post # 6
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Compare the boss dangling a raise in front of his face to him dangling a ring in front of yours. Maybe then he’ll see how you feel. You have every right to make an internal timeline and 5 years seems pretty reasonable to me, especially if you warn him. At this point it wouldn’t be an ultimatum, he already bought the ring…

Post # 7
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Moja Milosc:  I agree. I think you should set an internal timeline that works for you. It’s okay to be a little bit selfish when it comes to your life, so don’t feel like you have to wait until after your brother’s wedding if May is really better for you. Also, I personally wouldn’t tell him about the deadline. That way you won’t be giving an ultimatum or pressuring him to propose if he doesn’t want to. Even if you don’t talk to him, if he really wants to marry you, 9 months of having the ring is more than enough time.

Post # 8
Member
27 posts
Newbee

@waitingtoolong:  How old are you two? 

I agree that it doesn’t seem right that he has actually HAD the ring for such a length of time, but yet hasn’t given it to you.  It seems selfish to keep you in suspense so long.  And for what?  I completely feel you pain when it comes to your brother’s wedding, that always leads to awkward moments (ppl asking “so when are you two going to….”) and understandable hurt feelings.

You’ve had so many convos with him… I have to think a “me-a-matum” (internal timeline, perhaps just a month or so following your bro’s wedding) is called for here, since he may be waiting til that’s over.  But after that, I don’t see how he has any more excuses to delay. 

Post # 9
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Can you have your brother talk to him? perhaps if he realizes how upset this is making you, he will ask sooner. He may just have no idea that this is streessing you so much.

Post # 11
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

Tell him exactly that. “My life is being put on hold while YOU decide when to do it”. Try to articulate your own struggle and how you simply can’t understand why you are being put on the backburner.

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I wouldn’t set an “internal” timeline, I’d tell him straight to his face (calmly) “I am done waiting for you to decide if you want to marry me or not. You say you do, but it’s been 5 years, 2 missed promises, you’ve had the ring forever, you say it’s going to happen and nothing is happening. I love you and I want to get married but I’m not going to wait another 5 years until the timing is ‘perfect.’ The timing might never be perfect, who cares. If we’re not on the same page about what we want I don’t feel I have any other choice but to move on from this relationship. Marriage has always been a priority in my life, and I don’t think I should have to give that up.”

As far as “Just keep waiting a little longer” or internalizing everything in your own mind, no no no no and NO. First of all, this is why women die more of heart trouble, because we are so damn afraid of upsetting other people that we completely internalize everything and drive ourselves into stress which causes health problems. Secondly, marriage is not built on internalizing wants and needs, why start with the proposal? Now is the time for adult discussion not arbitrary ultimatums he won’t even know about.

Post # 13
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

 

@waitingtoolong:  I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel – tell him you want a firm deadline (set by him) and if he doesn’t propose again you will discuss it again/leave as necessary. That’s what is working for me – my SO is very shy about making THAT specific commitment because he was planning to propose to his ex before she dumped him. I felt really insecure not knowing if I would be waiting forever and that it would never happen. SO I told him how I felt and he said that he wanted it to be a surprise but we would definately be engaged by X. I don’t feel like it’s been forced on him because he set the deadline and it’s still 2 years off so plenty of time to renegotiate it if he starts to freak.

Post # 14
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@KatyElle:  I was going to write something but KatyElle pretty much said it. You need you tell him exactly what you are telling us- namly that you are done waiting for him. No need to give an ultimatum or throw a tantrum, just tell him calmly how you feel.

Post # 16
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sorry you are going through all this. I wouldn’t set an internal deadline – particularly one he doesn’t know about! It sounds like he wants this to be a perfect proposal and maybe with so many weddings around at the moment he wants your moment to be extra special and not clashing with anyone elses?

Given how upset it is making you, I would try to have an honest chat with him about how you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere and your life is on hold. Just pick your moment with him,as it seems like he is stressed out too.

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