Post # 1
I am seeking advice on ettiquete and declining a wedding invitation. Basically, my fiance and I are invited to a wedding about 5hrs away from our home, he is a groomsmen, I am friends with the couple but not particularly close. My eldest daughter (5yrs) has her first dance concert the same day, so I cannot do both. As a mum, I would prefer to go to the concert, without my fiance (obviously he cannot miss it!). I’ve tried telling my daughter (who is not invited to the wedding-no probs there!) that she cannot be in the concert and she is utterly DEVASTATED! She is only 5 and it’s hard to imagine not being able to dress up as Cinderella with all the other girls. So, I am leaning towards declining the invite. If it were my wedding, as a mum already, I would be disapointed that someone couldn’t make it but I would be completely understanding. This couple, however, do not have children and have made comments about me missing out on things because of my kids before that have made me feel hurt. I was looking forward to their wedding and am disapointed to miss it but my family comes first.
Please give me your thoughts, both as brides and guests and any fellow mums on what would be appropriate. Either way, someone is going to be disapointed and I guess I’m feeling like I’d prefer it wasn’t my daughter. Thanks everyone x
Post # 2
Tough situation – if it were me, I’d probably go to the wedding and skip the concert. If your fiance is a groomsmen, he must be close to the couple, even if you’re not, but you’re a social unit now that you’re engaged so it would make you closer to the couple eventually instead of the other way around. The way I see it, you only get married once vs. a concert (while a big deal to your 5 year old daughter) will probably happen again.
Can your daughter be in the concert and you can have another girl’s Mom take care of her for the evening and take her home, etc so that you can attend the wedding?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2019 - UK
This is a hard one. Seeing that your Fiance is going you need a good excuse to not go and I think it will hurt the couples feelings if it was for your daughters concert. Are there no other family members living nearby that can take your daughter to the concert? With who is she going to stay if you did go? Can they not take her? If your sad because you will be missing it then ask them to film it for you.
How does your Fiance feel about you not going? He is clearly close to the couple and it will be awkward for him to have to explain to them why you did not come.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It’s an invitation not a summons. Having said that, can your daughter be in the concert if you go to the wedding? Or is that too hard logistically? Either way, declining an invitation is not rude, being shamed for it by the hosts is rude on their part. For me, family wins out. I’ve declined weddings that Darling Husband attended and no one blinked an eye.
Post # 5
You can decline an invitation for any need or want. Go to your daughter’s concert, it’s far more important.
Also, any friends that made me feel bad for putting my kid first would not be friends for long!
Post # 6
I agree with others that finding someone else to bring your daughter to the concert so that you can attend the wedding is best. If that’s not possible I’d say you can put your daughter first. I’m not a parent but wouldn’t be offended by someone doing that.
Post # 7
The way I see it, if a couple doesn’t invite a couples child to the wedding (totally their right to do so) then they can’t really complain if the parent is unable to attend due to something related to the child. And as a parent I dont think you should have to explain yourself as to why your child needs you. If you feel it is important to attend the concert then I would miss the wedding. If your Fiance is upset about it then maybe I would consider going to the wedding but if he is ok with it I would do whatever you feel is best for you and your family especially if this couple has complained that you have put your kids first in the past (wtf!!).
Post # 8
Totally fine to miss it. After all, it is 5 hours away and your child is not invited, there’s always going to be a chance in that kind of situation that someone will need to stay with the child. It’s the risk you run with a child-free wedding. Not to mention a 10 hour round trip isn’t nothing! You do what you feel is best and don’t worry. If they’ve been rude about your child commitments before you can just tell them whatever you feel comfortable with.
Post # 9
in my husband’s circle of friends, a lot of the husbands attend weddings solo, due to expensive to travel with the whole family, to not having a babysitter, to other committments. no one bats an eye.
if you would rather see your daughter’s rectial, go with her and let your husband go solo,
Post # 10
Another vote for daughter’s dance. The bride would be crazy to hold a grudge over something like that. She’ll understand when she has her own kids.
Post # 11
I think a wedding is a once in a lifetime occassion and it trumps a dance recital. These people are important to your partner and he would probably appreciate having you there. There will be other dance concerts. That’s my vote.
Post # 12
mummabride : This is your daughter’s first dance recital right? I would imagine that’s a milestone and something you would need to be there in person for. I don’t have or want kids but I can totally understand that. If I were the bride I wouldn’t be offended, those kind of memories are for a lifetime.
Post # 13
I would say daughter’s concert comes first. Obviously it’s important to her, and while it would be nice to be able to go to the wedding since your fiance is a groomsman, I think children trump friends who you aren’t overly close to.
Post # 14
You absoultely cannot miss the first rectial. If it were like the tenth, then yes – go on to the wedding. But the first, nah.
Post # 15
It’s your daughter’s first dance recital? That’s a really big deal! In my circle of friends, it’s entirely normal for only one person in a couple to attend a wedding for any number of reasons. If they can’t understand why an important event for your daughter is something you can’t miss, that’s on them and not you.