When is it ok to not attend a wedding? Please!

posted 2 years ago in Guests
  • poll: Is it ok to miss a friend's wedding for my daughter's dance concert?
    Yes it is ok to put family first : (114 votes)
    75 %
    No it would be rude to miss the wedding : (38 votes)
    25 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    266 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: St. petersburg, FL

    I would absolutely miss the wedding. Put your daughter’s first dance recital first – it sounds like that is what you want to do! You aren’t telling your fiancee that he has to miss the wedding, in fact, you are telling him to go. Also, who cares if you miss things because you have a daughter who has things she needs/wants to do? You do you, bee! All that matters is that you, your daughter, and your Fiance are on the same page and agree to whatever plan. Everyone else can shut it. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    2181 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m another vote for going to your daughter’s recital. I don’t think its imperative for you to go to a wedding, simple because your Fiance is a groomsman. I actually think this makes it easier for your to not go, as he will be busy doing those things and you will be by yourself while he is attending to duties. 

    Especially if comments have been made by this couple about your commitment to your child, I would not put their wedding as a priority. They don’t need to know why you are declining, I don’t understand how they would even ask, but if you know they will, talk to your Fiance about what you both want the response to be. If they are going to be so upset about you missing their wedding, it affects your future relationship, it’s probably better in the long run to put some space in there. 

    Put your kid first, Mom. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    3446 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    I feel like people don’t need a reason to not go to a wedding. Not wanting to go to a wedding is reason enough. I really enjoyed my wedding and had a great time with the people who made it, but I didn’t feel like anyone (other than immediate family who were involved in some aspect of the day) had any obligation to go or should have felt bad for declining. I invited them, that was my part of the arrangement. People are entitled to spend their time and money how they want, and if my wedding isn’t one of those things that’s okay. My wedding was one of the most important days to ME,  but for some of my guests it was the 4th or 5th wedding they’d been to that year. 

    You can be supportive of and happy for a couple and still not want to go to their wedding. Let your Darling Husband represent your families attendance at the wedding and go watch your little girl dance. A couple who holds a grudge because their wedding isn’t on the top of everyone else’s list of things to do isn’t a couple I’d want to spend a lot of time with anyway.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1464 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    I think this is a conversation you need to have with your fiancé. If he has no problem attending the wedding without you, I don’t think you need to feel bad about going to the recital.

    Post # 35
    Member
    280 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Go to your daughter’s recital. They didn’t invite her to the wedding, so they can’t get mad. (If they do, then eh, they aren’t parents, so they really don’t know any better. They can’t wrap their heads around what being a parent means.)

     

    I’m not a parent yet, so I totally get the whole – hey pay attention to me and not your child kind of thing. I actually remember having lunch with a friend years ago and her child was occupying all of her attention and I remember saying (to myself only) how much the lunch date sucked for me. What a jerk I was. Now that I’m pregnant and due soon, if my daughter needs something, she’s gonna be my first priority and everyone else can kiss my butt.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1415 posts
    Bumble bee

    It’s a 5 hour drive away, right? And you’ve got more than one kid? So you’ll be away from home for about 24 hours?

    I don’t have kids, but I would not be leaving my 5 and under kids alone with someone else for 24 hours to go to a wedding of people I don’t know very well. Especially not if I had to miss a dance recital that my kid was clearly set on.

    I did a lot of performances and competitions when I was younger. After the first few it didn’t matter at all whether my parents were there or paying attention. But the first couple times I looked for their faces in the crowd because I needed the extra smile because I had terrible stage fright.

    5 years old isn’t that young. I definitely have a lot of strong memories from that age. And this event will have a lot of nerves and excitement around it, so there’s a good chance your daughter will remember it.

    Definitely skip the wedding if that’s what you want to do. If the couple doesn’t invite kids they can’t get upset that you’re not going because you’ve got to take care of your kids.

    Post # 37
    Member
    167 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Even if you asked someone else to take her, it really sucks to be the one kid at a dance recital (play, gym show, whatever) whose parents didn’t come. Especially when you’re 5. And I always knew it was work-related and not exactly anyone’s fault. You know, I understood mom has a demanding career etc but still…my friends’ moms were all there. Anyway, it would have stung extra if my mom was at a wedding. If someone has to be disappointed here I think it should be the adults, who in addition to being adults, are not related to you and whose real tie is to your husband. 

    Also it’s common for only one half of a couple to travel for a variety of reasons, including child and work obligations, travel expense, etc.

    Post # 38
    Member
    483 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree with the posters saying a wedding is a very important event. They are close to your husband, he’s in the wedding, and you not being there will be noticed. I would understand if your child was sick, or if this was a big graduation or something, but a dance recital (to me) doesn’t seem super important. I’m not a parent so maybe this is an important thing, idk! 

    If she didn’t have a recital, would she be staying at home with someone or traveling with you to the wedding and arrangements there will be made for when the wedding happens? If she’s staying home maybe whoever is watching her can take her to the recital. I’m sure she will be having fun with her friends and won’t be traumatized that you aren’t there. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    545 posts
    Busy bee

    You are a mom first and a “not particularly close” friend second. I say let that baby dress up and dance around like Cinderella and send your dearest regards to the bride and groom. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    It’s not rude to decline a wedding invitation. Especially in this situation. I vote dance recital!

    Post # 41
    Member
    5889 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I feel like the #1 factor here should be something you haven’t mentiond – what does your Fiance think?  

    I don’t think it matters what your friends thinks.  And honestly I don’t really think it matters what your daughter thinks (she’s 5, she doesn’t get to dictate these decisions).  It matters what you and your Fiance think.  You would prfer to go to your daughters recital.  That leaves your Fiance attending the wedding on his own.  Is he ok with thta, or does he want you to go with him?

    I think that sometimes couples have to priortize one another.  He is the person I’d be thinking about in this situation.  If he doesn’t mind going on his own, then I think it’s a relatively easy decision for you to skip and enjoy your daughter’s recital.

    I also don’t understand why your daughter would have to miss the recital if you go to the wedding?  She’s not invited to the wedding – couldn’t gramma or similar take her to the recital?

    Post # 42
    Member
    532 posts
    Busy bee

    Honestly, I would be slightly annoyed if a friend or acquaintance missed my wedding for a dance recital, especially if her husband was a groomsman and the she always had to cancel on other things. But I would just go on with my life and just not invite her to anything anymore.

    Your daughter can have another dance recital, and that will be her first one. I know you’re afraid of disappointing her but kids can’t always get what they want. If you do miss the wedding, expect them to probably fade you from their future events.

    Post # 43
    Member
    6622 posts
    Bee Keeper

    have made comments about me missing out on things because of my kids

    And you think the best solution is to skip the biggest day of their life for a kids dance recital? Oy. 

    I think you’re downplaying how close you are with the couple – your Fiance is a groomsman, thats pretty fucking close. Being his Fiance you’re close by proxy. If you want to remain friends with them after the wedding I think you should go. If you (AND your FI) are ok with having the friendship fade, skip it. But They are unlikely to understand (based on your OP), and will be upset. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    3223 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    What fresh hell are people living in where politely declining a wedding invitation is rude for ANY reason? I mean this is some serious bridezilla territory. This is exactly why I do not offer explanations for declining invitations. 

    To all who would be pissed/not friends with the OP anymore, I hope your guests realize the invite is actually a summons. 

    A first recital is absolutely a once in a lifetime event for a mother and child to share together. You don’t get a second first recital. Plenty of people wind up with a second wedding…

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