Post # 1
Hello BEE’s I just discovered this site and I LOVE IT!!!! So the reason I am posting this is because I would love feedback/opinions/ advice from ANYONE who is willing to help out!
I will tell you a little bit about my life..
I am 20 years old, currently in my third year university with a good paying part time job. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He is also 20 years old with a good paying full time job. We are very mature for our age (more like a 25 year old couple). We have been living together for 2 years and both believe we are eachothers soul mate. Lately we have been talking a lot about getting engaged and about our future. We have all the same valued, goals, outlooks on life and both truly believe we are each others soul mates, we are best friends and agree on financing, amount of kids, religion (literally almost everything). We have grown a lot as a couple and individuals since weve been together, that has made us better/stronger and brought us closer together as a couple. Long story short, I am wondering if now is the right time to get engaged/married or should we wait.
This is NOT a question as to whether or not we -as a couple- are ready, because we both agree that we are (even if we are young) this is more of “what would you do if you were in my situation” so these are the options I came up with (feel free to add more):
Get engaged soon (at 21) and in a couple years get married (around age 23) which would give us enough time to plan/save for the wedding and then around age 25 start having kids (both agreed this was a perfect life for us)
The only problem with that is.. he is thinking about going to college to find his career (doesnt love his job ATM)
So should we wait to get engaged/married until after he figures out what he wants to do (who knows how long that would take) or
should we wait to see what happens/ we are too young to know what is right/both get steady career first
***One thing I should add, is my BF isn’t even 100% sure what career path/school program he wants to take— for the past 5 years he has changed it many times (and I don’t blame him or expect him to know at age 20 what he wants to do for the rest of his life)
Post # 3
I voted get engaged now, and married in two years. I may be biased, because that was a lot like our plan.. But if money is an issue when considering the wedding and school, keep in mind that once you are married, you get a lot of financial aid!
Post # 4
I’m a pretty young bride (23– was 22 when engaged and will be 24 at wedding), and like you had been with my SO for a long time (will be 7 yrs at wedding). I got the same itch around the same age/dating timespan as you. I wanted to get married so badly, I thought “We’ll make it work!” (He’s a mechanic, I was finishing up college and working a not-so-great but career-track job). I am SO glad we waited just a little bit longer. About 2 years after I got that itch, we got engaged– I had a successful, full time career, we moved to a new city, purchased a home, he changed jobs. We’re paying for our wedding in cash (AND i got the ring of my dreams).
EVERYTHING can change SO fast at this age. Just wait. Eventually, everything will line up. No need to rush it– one thing I told myself to get through my “itch” was that we would never be able to go backwards. Once you’re engaged, you’re never un-engaged, and once you’re married, you won’t go back to the string-free relationship.
Hope this helps!
Post # 5
@kernzs: Married men do better in grad school (at least ph d’s do)
Post # 6
I didn’t pick a poll option because I had a question – if you do get married in 2 years or so, why is it that your Boyfriend or Best Friend wouldn’t be able to start school until after that point? Because of the expense involved in the wedding you want, or is he not planning on starting school for 2 years or so regardless of how soon you get married (and if that is the case – why?)
Post # 7
@Wonderstruck: The reason I said get engaged now and wait two years, Is because I am in school for another year which would allow us a full year of both of us working full time to save/plan a wedding (after I graduate in one year)
If we get married in two years, that would consist of him not going to school because we wouldn’t be able to afford the wedding we want -with him going to school/working part time. We would only be able to afford the wedding we want if we both worked full time and saved.
He is planning on going to school as soon as he figures out what he wants to do- ATM doesnt know what he wants to take (he has been planning on going to school for the past 4 years but changes his mind all the time) I dont want to rush him in deciding what career path he takes, but essencially that decides when we get married, because if he is commited to school we wouldnt have the time or money to do a wedding at the same time.. so we would either have to do it before or after
sorry I hope this answers your question..
Post # 8
Hey You sound almost like me 🙂 (except we have been together a shorter amount of time, 3 years) We just got engaged and we are both twenty one! I work at a daycare and he is finishing school (will be done in about a year and a half) and once he is done with school (and gets a job) we plan to get married asap. So if you feel like you are ready, get engaged, its a very special step and two years isn’t too long to wait to get married 🙂 GOOD LUCK!!
Post # 9
Hmm that’s tough. But I’m going to say that if it were me…at your point in life I probably would have just wanted to get married ASAP and then worry about school later. But in hindsight, not that much changes after marriage if you’re already committed and living together, and like you said, once you get married you’re going to start wanting babies, and working plus school plus having a child to take care of is a LOT. I know because I’m about to do it! I wanted to be married and my Darling Husband is 4 years older than me so he was really ready, and I was so excited and ready that we went ahead and I got married at 23, now a year later I’m pregnant and will be 25 when I have our baby…and I still have to worry about school. We’re going to figure it out and make it happen, but in hindsight I wish I had school a higher priority earlier in life.
Post # 10
It doesn’t sound like you two are settled enough. Let him get his job/school situation figured out and going. Then get engaged and get married.
Post # 11
@Wonderstruck: Awe congratz!!! 🙂 Life is so weird that way, how every decision you make counts.. I want to have the best life possible for both of us and I believe that getting our career in place should be a very top priority, then again I think that is more important when we are looking at having children- but like you said marriage doesnt change that much- and I dont expect it too, one of the reasons I want to get married so soon is so I can enjoy us ‘being married’ before we start a family. When children come into the picture a solid career for both of us is very important to me.. I’m just worried that if we keep putting it off it will be forever until he finds ‘the right job’ and the further we put engagement/marriage off the further we put off starting to have a family. I will be done school in a year and hopefully have a steady job after that which means a couple years later I will be wanting to start a family.. But if we wait a couple years for him to get his career rolling THEN once that is done get engaged and plan/save for a wedding.. THEN after a while start a family I feel like it will be kind of rushed by the end of it, you know? and who knows how long all that will take..
Post # 12
@kernzs: I think the scenario you gave there is basically the worst-case scenario, I really don’t think it needs to be so dragged out – why does he need to work on his career for a couple of years after graduating before the two of you can get engaged? That seems kinda silly, especially when you don’t want to wait longer than you have to.
But I’d try to avoid setting any specific deadlines, you’re still young and often they just lead to you two feeling like you failed because you didn’t do a something by a certain age, or him pushing himself towards a degree just to get it done, and then realizing after that he isn’t happen with it. For right now I would just save as much as you two can from your jobs while you finish school, and in the meantime for him to do some research and try to figure out what type of careers and majors interest him. Once you graduate the two of you can re-assess and take a look at how much you have managed to save, if he has figured out what he would like to major in, etc. It’s totally feasible to get married while he’s still in school if at least one of you works full time and the one in school is still working part time.
Post # 13
Thanks for the replies BEE’s!!
I love peoples opinions and are open to any suggestions/advice!! 🙂
Post # 14
I don’t know what is right for you, but from my experience (I’m 42), everyone that I know that got married before 25 is now divorced; everyone I know that was dating in HS/college (so late teens, early 20’s) and got married after 25 is still together.
Your brain is still growing and changing. You may be mature, but you aren’t fully grown yet. Give yourselves some time to growup, try different career paths, get some education, etc before you put the pressure of marriage on your relationship.
Post # 15
@kernzs: Wait to get engaged! You sound really in love, and like you’re in a great situation with work/school, and that’s awesome! I was you about 9 years ago, almost to a tee, and life sorta went off the rails, as it sometimes does, and I came out the othwer side of it with the realization that this man that I loved wasn’t the man I could marry. And THANK GOD I didn’t! You have no idea how much you and your fellah are going to change in the next 5 years! If you guys are solid now, then you’ll still be solid in a few years once you get through a big chunk of your 20’s first.
I’m 30 now, and I don’t mean do sound like a preachy asshole, but I am so glad I didn’t let my 21 year old self choose my partner for the rest of my life, because that 21 year old girl so is not me anymore.
Post # 16
I do think it’s funny that you said: ***One thing I should add, is my BF isn’t even 100% sure what career path/school program he wants to take— for the past 5 years he has changed it many times (and I don’t blame him or expect him to know at age 20 what he wants to do for the rest of his life)
Yet you expect him to know who he wants to be with for the rest of his life
I say wait to get engaged until he gets his situation figured out and you guys are a bit older – especially considering you seem to be paying for the wedding yourselves. I *just* got engaged and really wanted to be engaged in college but it’s much better that I did it now (26), when things are more solid in our life.