Post # 1
My boyfriend and I spoke about not moving in before engagement/marriage. It was mostly my idea but he agreed with it. I’m 21 he’s almost 24 and we’ve been together for 3 years this May. I moved out of my parents house this summer and now we live 50 minutes apart. The more we talk about our future the more I realize the “M” word is farther off than I originally thought..so the questions is..when do you think is a good time to move in together and do you think it’s wise to move in before engagement or wedding?
Post # 2
MegChristine1 : personally I didn’t move in until I got engaged. It’s just my personal belief that it’s best to maintain your freedom until both parties are ready to make the commitment of marriage. Plus guys get too comfortable when you move in and then the proposal can take longer. The other reason not to move in before marriage is I think it’s harder to break up once you’re moved in…so people get married because it’s the logical next step once they’ve lived together, but they might never have gotten engaged otherwise. I think my view is not the norm, it seems most people these days live together before engaged but I knew ever since I was young that I wanted to wait for marriage to live with someone.
Post # 3
I personally wouldn’t until after engagement, but that’s just me. I’ve been on the Waiting boards a while, and you see the posts where guys say “What difference would a ring make?” when you’ve been living together a while.
You guys are really young, and people grow and change a lot during their 20s.
Have you talked to him about general timelines for proposal/marriage?
Post # 4
blissfulheart : We have, and he always says “soon” we’ve spoke about what I want and my timeline and he always suggests a couple of years. I got a promise right in December and I know right now finances aren’t where they need to be for him to buy a ring
Post # 5
Personally, I think 21 is too young to get married. I know that if anybody had told me at that age that I would change and that I was too immature, I would have been really annoyed BUT in retrospective I am glad I didn’t marry my then-boyfriend. We lived together for several years and I broke up when I thought he was going to propose because thing just weren’t working out for me anymore.
My advice would be to move in if you really want to but make sure you don’t miss out on hanging with friends and experiencing what the world has to offer. But don’t get married – wait until you’re in your mid-20s, until – as Buffy said – you’re “done baking” and are ready.
Post # 6
You’re both still young. If he seems hesitant about the future I certainly wouldn’t jump in to living together. I personally didn’t move in until after we were married, but I would wait at least until you’re engaged. What’s the rush?
Post # 7
My now-fiance and I moved in together before we were engaged but we were quite a bit older (Me, 28, him, 33) and were on the same page about getting engaged within the year.
If you move in with him now, especially when you already are getting signs that marriage is further off than you imagined, I guarantee you in 7 years you’re the couple that’s still living together, not engaged, while you silently curse your friends who “lap you” (meet, date, and marry guys in the time you’ve been living together, waiting to get married.) It’s a tale as old as time. I honestly don’t know one couple who moved in together when marriage was still a “one day” thing rather than a “within X months” kind of thing who this didn’t happen to. Proceed at your own risk.
Post # 8
We moved in before we got engaged, but we’re several years older than you are. At your age, I would suggest holding off. There’s a lot of change that happens in your early 20s. I would caution you to wait until you’re both more settled in your careers and have a clearer vision of what you want from the future.
Post # 9
When you are on the same page regarding the future of the relationship.
I have moved in with boyfriends in the past where I didn’t want marriage and they didn’t either, and we just wanted to save ourselves the travel time to see each other and save on rent and utilities. It was convenience. And we were on the same page.
With Fi, when HE asked me to move in with him – since I knew I wanted to marry him – I initiated the timeline talk. I said I’d only move in if we BOTH saw moving in together as a step toward getting engaged, not as convenience. He agreed that was why he asked, and then he shared his timeline of wanting to get engaged within a year. So I moved in. And we were engaged 10 months later.
I never would have moved in with Fi if *I* wanted marriage and HE was being wishy washy about it. Maintain your independence until you are on the same page.
Post # 10
MegChristine1 : D.H. and I had (what seems to be) a similar timeline as you and your SO. We started dating at 18. For us, the right time to move in together was after we had finished college and grad school. We had lived separately with roommates and on our own. My mom has always said her biggest regret is not living on her own before getting married, so kudos to you for doing that! We moved in together when we were 25, though D.H. wanted to move in the year before, got engaged within the year, and got married at 27. I wouldn’t change a thing, but it’s between you and your SO to decide when the timing is right.
I would absolutely make sure you have a conversation before moving in together to ensure you’re on the same page about when to get married. Maybe my D.H. is weird, but when I asked him (around your age, at 21/22) if/when he saw us getting married, he said absolutely and at 27, which is exactly when we ended up getting married. I remember thinking that felt really far away at the time, but law school, taking the bar exam, and starting my first job were plenty to keep me busy and it was there before I knew it.
Post # 11
I’m 31 and about to get married, and I don’t have a solid answer to that.
One of the things I wish I had done was get a solid timeline before moving in. And my story has a happy ending, others aren’t so lucky.
On the one hand, moving in allows you information about someone that, as far as I can tell, you can’t get otherwise. I look at it like the final step to the interview. You’re 99.9% sure you want to marry this person, but you’re just making sure before you actually sign the papers. I wouldn’t do this for longer than about a year because of diminishing returns. Others may have a different time frame.
On the other hand, EVEN WITH HONEST PEOPLE, I think it slows the process down. Before I even get to the guys that are going to string you along because they have wife benefits without a husband commitment, an honest guy is going to get slowed down. I don’t know if that’s a fair trade off or not. There will be less urgency to get married because you are already there. You’re “adding less” when you finally do get engaged/married so the incentive isn’t as strong. An honest guy could get comfortable with just living together and push back marriage years later than it would otherwise have occurred.
It depends on what your goals are of course, but I look at moving in as a final step towards marriage, so if I had it to do over I would not move in before getting a firm timeline of when I would be married. So if he (or you) don’t even know when you want to get married yet I wouldn’t move in.
I’m also having some weird feelings at the moment about us treating marriage as some weird add on and having less meaning because I “feel like” we’re basically married and as committed and just waiting around for a formality.
Post # 12
Whenever you both feel ready. As long as you aren’t buying property together and your finances aren’t entangled it’s easy enough to move out if things go south. Your age, your shoes, I think it would be a smarter decision to live together than to get married yet but that’s just me.
My husband moved in after 6 months of official dating but we were a little older (both 25) and were dating long distance the entire time (a four hour drive between us) He lost his job and called me around 5pm that night and said” Should I come or not?”. I told him to come and he showed up at 3am with his car packed full of his belongings and never left. Went out the next day and found himself a job in town and that was that.
In my case his moving in didn’t delay proposal. He proposed one month shy of our two year anniversary which I felt was reasonable.
Post # 13
Move in together whenever you feel ready! I moved in with my now husband when we were both 21, engaged at 23, married at 24. And personally, I would never get engaged to someone without living with them for at least a year. I can’t imagine commiting to spending the rest of my life with someone without having lived with them first.
Post # 14
We dated for a year and then moved in with each other (He was 23, I was 21), got engaged 2 years later. Wedding is in August (he’ll be 26/I’ll be 24). I think it’s important to not rush things and just move in when you feel ready. We were lucky and knew each other for a while before we started dating, so it just felt natural for us to move in that soon. If it was any other guy, I would have gave it more time before moving in together!