When is the Right Time to Move in with your S/O?

posted 1 year ago in 20 Something
Post # 31
Member
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would suggest not moving in with your situation in particular. You admit that it was solely your idea to live together, which means he’s agreeing with it, but doesn’t necessarily want it and was not looking forward to it or anticipating it. The more you’ve talked, the more you’ve realized that engagement and marriage are further away than what you originally thought.

Now’s not the time to be moving in together. It sounds like you’re setting yourself up to be one of those Bees on the waiting board who’s been living with their boyfriend for years, and the boyfriend keeps quoting “soon,” and calling marriage a “piece of paper that changes nothing.”

I’m not saying you should be demanding a proposal. Three years should be enough for a 24 year old in my opinion to know if he wants to get married to someone, but others would disagree that men at this age are not of the same mindset as women, and he likely is not financially set for a lifetime commitment at that age. But as my husband says (and I love him for this), what would marriage keep you from doing that you couldn’t do while dating?

Post # 33
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee

I’m a big believer in living together before marriage. There’s SO much that you learn about someone only from living with them because you just share your lives in a totally different way. 

So, to me, the right time to move in together is when:
– It feels right
– You’re both serious about a long term commitment (it makes breaking up MUCH more complicated)
– You have similar ideas about how you want to live
– You’re on the same page timeline-wise in your relationship
– You’re at the stage where you want to see if you work well together sharing your lives and doing life as a team 

I don’t think making huge financial commitments is very smart before marriage but more for legal/financial reasons – not for the health of your relationship. 

 

Post # 34
Member
10456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

MegChristine1 :  

You have answered your own question, Bee.

You are the one moving the relationship along toward living together.

Marriage is further off than you had originally thought.

If you want to point a loaded gun at your own foot and pull the trigger, go ahead and move in together.  You’ll be giving up what precious little leverage you have in the pro marriage campaign.

It may sound atavistic to some, but, it is Real Life.  

Post # 35
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

In your case, I would not do it until you had agreed that you both were working towards engagement/marriage within a year, unless you are moving in with no expectations.

There are no rules about when is best.  I threw caution to the wind and moved in with Fiance when my lease came up 8 months in.  It could have gone really badly, to be sure!  But if you aren’t buying, you can get out if you need to leave.  I’d say if you *both* are excited about it, then it will be good.  If he isn’t excited, wait until you both are in the same place.

Post # 36
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I get frustrated when people say things like “21 is too young to get married.” It all depends on the circumstances. I got engaged at 23 and am getting married later this year at 24, and it’s crazy how many people have told me I’m too young! My fiance and I are both at the point in our lives where we are ready to committ to one another forever. We’ve known each other for over 5 years and have dated for 3.5

If your boyfriend is saying “a couple years” I would have another conversation with him. Does he mean that, or will he say the same thing IN a couple years? (Extending it to more like 4, 5, etc. years). It’s important that you’re on the same page. Make sure you’re both ready for the step of moving in together, if that’s what you choose to do. As long as you have the same long-term goals, it doesn’t seem like rushing to me.

Good luck, Bee! 🙂

Post # 37
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

Don’t do it until you are both on the same page about timeline for engagement and marriage. It’s a recipe for disaster otherwise. 

Post # 38
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

My fiance and I moved in together when I was 23 and he was 22. We knew we wanted to get married eventually, but we weren’t quite ready yet as we both felt we were somewhat young. But since we both knew that’s where the relationship was heading, we both felt 100% comfortable moving in together.

I will say, though, I wanted to be engaged before we bought a house together, and I didn’t end up winning that one. When we bought a house together 9 months later, I definitely felt that the engagement was never going to happen because he felt so comfortable. It ended up being all in my head because he proposed 6 months after that. But if I could go back knowing what I know now, I would definitely still have moved in with him. Just would have waited for the proposal before BUYING a house.

 

Post # 39
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee

Personally, I wouldn’t marry anyone without having moved in with them first. My timeline was very similar to the situation you have. 

I started dating my Darling Husband when I was 18 he was 22. We dated for three years and I spent the night at his parents house alot because I was away at school so when I can over I usually stayed for a long weekend. 

We both knew that we wanted to live together before marriage. So we bought a house together. (which I don’t necessarily recommend because it can become messy if things don’t work out). It was purchased in his name, I was not on the mortgage and we had a legal binding agreement for what our plan was if we broke up. It isn’t a fun thing to talk about but it has to be talked about in case something bad does happen. 

We both talked about the future and knew it woukd be an eventually thing. After about all year if living together the talks got more serious and at about 1 1/2 to 2 years of living together we were engaged. We planned a wedding for almost 2 years out and started planning. We are now married, have a family full of pets that we’ve raised, and are planning ttc. 

I don’t think it’s fair to say that you will be living with him forever with no ring if you move in now. I think it’s important to live together before marriage. Sooo many things about your relationship change and there is a lot of adjusting but you do have to be frank. I want to be engaged after x many years or that’s my time line. Then you have to stick with it too. When my timeline of two years was coming up. I asked him and told him that I wanted to be engaged at this point and if he couldn’t give that to me then I was going to have to figure something else out. 

Living together certainly doesn’t have to be a negative thing and it can be great for your future but just make sure you think rationally and talk everything out before you do it. 

Post # 41
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - Hopetoun House, UK

MegChristine1 :  Just seeing your post, I am a firm believer of living together before getting engaged, just through experience I feel like there are so many quirks and sides of your partner you don’t really see unless your together (especially when you mention your in long distance).

My partner moved in to my flat with me after 8 months of dating (I was 20 he was 23) and we bought a house together six months ago (now 22 and he is 25) and he proposed last month, but we are looking to plan our wedding for (October 2020) which would give us another 2 years together before we get married. People might say we’re still young and its rushed but nothing was pressured everything came naturally to us.

It is critical that your on the same page for it to work though, and you shouldn’t put pressure on the situation.

Post # 42
Member
16 posts
Newbee

 A year was enough time for us to get to know each other before we moved in together. I prefer living together before marriage because I feel like it helps us get to know each other’s daily patterns and behaviors. I don’t think our relationship would be where it’s at now without help from our roommates, either, but as long as we really want to stay committed to each other we can work on any troubles we have.

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