(Closed) When is too much?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Get. out. now.

You say that he “likes you,” but what about love?

It sounds like both of you are dependent upon each other. He depends on you to take his frustration about his weight and insecurities. He does this through insults and crticisms. For you, you are dependent upon him because you have not been alone. 9 years is a long time to take this sort of emotional confusion. And the fact that you dont even see each other often and he is horrible at keeping touch makes this worse.

Believe me when I say that there are many men who will take care of you and will treat you as an equal, not an emotional play toy.

This is not a normal relationship.

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My heart hurts for you.

It IS possible (and prefereable and normal, even) to WANT to and enjoy having sex with your partner in a long-term serious relationship.  To have a partner who inspires you to WANT to grow and learn and risk and try…. not because you feel a need to be better, but because you are inspired and supported to be more than you thought you could. 

My opinion is that if you are at the point when you feel the need to “protect” yourself…. you are far past the “too much” point.  The balance of scales, for me, tips when I am simply *not* happy MORE than I am happy.  *not happy*, btw, is different than *unhappy*.  and certainly not when I am miserable.

I guess I would encourage you to seek out what kind of life YOU want to have, and not the life you think you are obligated to have out of a sense of responsibility.  I think for a lot of people they can’t end a relationship until they are positive that the fear of what’s out there is a better choice than the reality of what they have.  For others it’s when they realize that they would be better off alone than with whomever they are with.  But I would tell you that neither is the best.  The best is to find someone who thinks you are the cat’s meow.

Post # 6
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Being long distance, and talking 1-2 times a week is not exactly a serious relationship.

Both of you could benefit from individual counseling, b/c neither of you sound happy.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all, and definitely not lifelong marriage material. You need to break up, and both of you need to focus on finding a real life partner.

Post # 7
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Everyone deserves to be over the moon happy with their SO, including you. Seems like ure both just comfortable with each other but no happy. U deserve to feel sexy and loved and I am sure you could find someone out there better for u. Sorry ure going throught this.

Post # 8
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wholeheartedly agree with pp’s. No relationship is perfect and no two people make each other deliriously happy all the time, but the vast majority of the time you should be happier being around your significant other than not. Other huge red flags that you mentioned are not wanting to introduce him to your friends, never feeling good enough, not feeling beautiful, and “objectifying” sex. 

I know it can’t be easy to even contemplate ending a 9 year relationship, and that I’m a stranger  on the internet, but from what you’ve said I certainly think that you would be much healthier and happier if you two broke up. 

Post # 9
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you know in your heart what you should do, but your mind is telling you you’ve been with this person so long you should stay in the relationship. My advice is, is you’re not sure he’s ‘the one’ get out… when that person comes along there will be no doubts although everything may not be picking daisies. Darling Husband and I have had a rocky start to our relationship and marriage but I never once questioned if I should be with him. It’s hard to describe but I’d hate for you to look back in 20 years instead of nine and say you made the wrong decision. Life is far too precious to spend with the wrong person who doesn’t treat you well or make you feel like a princess inside. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 10
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This guy sounds like a total pig. If I cooked for my Fiance and cared for him the way you say you do, and he does nothing but criticize me, my friends, my cooking, etc. I’d say great, go do it yourself then because I’m outta here.

Post # 11
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m really sorry. You sound terribly unhappy. Your SO should bring out the best in you, make you feel special, beautiful, fun, interesting, and most importantly, happy and loved. If you’re not getting what you need out of this relationship, it may be time to move on. I don’t say that lightly either. I just don’t see what you’re getting out of this?

To answer your question, yes, a long term relationship can and should be happy. You should enjoy being intimate with your SO, and no, marriage is not like what you described. Well, a happy marriage anyways 😉 

I think the fact that you’re asking these questions may be your answer…

Post # 12
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs, this does not sound like a happy relationship. Your Fiance should make you feel beautiful, inside and out, and not “dull, sexless and boring” – and certainly not objectified. 

Please think about getting out of this relationship, it can only get better. You deserve to find someone that you can feel happy, loved and beautiful with. This is not that guy.

Post # 13
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

It sounds like you know deep down that you are miserable in this realtionship, and based on your post alone, you wrote way more negative then postive things about him/your realationship….that is a huge tell tell sign.

Post # 14
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You owe it to yourself to end this relationship. You’re right when you say that it is self-destruction staying with him. But if you leave…yes, you may feel guilt at first. But then you will move on. You will find someone who makes you feel beautiful, who compliments you, tries to impress your friends, and sees the best in you instead of constantly critiquing. And you’ll look back and wonder why the heck you stayed for so long with a guy who never treated you right.

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