- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
I’m new to this forum, and hoping to get new perspectives on something I’ve been confused for a while.
Having been in a long (9 year) long relationship, which was always meant to culminate in a marriage, I’ve recently been quite unsure of taking the plunge.
A bit about Fiance: He’s a genuine guy. Likes me, I’d say. Stood by me through life threatening illness. Doing OK in his job. He gives me a feeling of security. Of someone always being there for you, come what may. His family accepts me, and is kind to me. They’re fairly well off.
BUT. He is a difficult person to be with. We’ve been in a long distance for most of the time, and he doesn’t believe in keeping in touch properly. We have a short conversation 1-2 times a week, and I have minimal clue about the kind of life he’s living where he is. I’m sure he’s not cheating, or being frivolous though.
He never gives me any compliments, unless I ask. He’s negative, and critical of anything that crosses his path. I cook him a meal, ‘it’s not quite right’. My friends aren’t ‘really interesting’. I may have dressed up, but ‘the earrings don’t quite match’. Or I haven’t shaved my underarms properly. He could have no clue of what’s being talked about, but he finds it necessary to critique it, and say something negative nevertheless. I can safely say I’ve never felt beautiful with him (and I’m certainly not a fright to look at), and I feel dull, sexless and boring around him. Lately, I’ve stopped introducing him to my friends, out of fear that he’ll either offend them, or gross them out (by eating messily or poking his nose or the like).
He was never the sporty kind, but for the last 2 years, he’s put on a massive belly. He says he feels depressed. And once tried some medication, but now refuses to go toa GP or seek counselling.
I fret at the idea of even inadvertantly attracting him to touch me because the sex is just.. not nice. Objectifying. He usually has his eyes closed, and it is all usually over in under 1 min. I’ve been encouraging him to work out to improve his general fitness, but he either argues that it won’t solve anything, or aggressively defends himself by saying I’m judging him. We hardly kiss because his breath smells due to infection that will just ‘cost a lot’ to fix.
Despite all this, I care for him. I cook his favourite meals and my heart cries if he is hurt. And since I’m the only family he really has, I can’t bear the thought of leaving him, and putting him through the loneliness and pain that a break up will bring.
It feels like self-destruction if I stay, and self-destruction by guilt if I leave. How much is too much? When can I say, ‘now I need to protect me’. Does this level of dissatisfaction and unhappiness exist in any marriage anyway?…then why not stay? Is a happy relationship a myth? Is it possible to WANT to have sex with your partner even in a long term serious relationship?
Long post, but I’d appreciate some thoughts. And oh, Ive never been with anyone else, so have nothing to compare this experience with.