When it gets TOO comfortable

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
3018 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve been married 31 years (to the same man). He is still romantic and attentive. If he treated me like you are being treated I’d be out of the door like a flash.

Your husband needs to know that he has to work at marriage if he wants it to survive. That means treating you even better than before you were married.

You are absolutely right to feel how you do. 

Post # 17
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I would be devastated if my SO treated me the way your husband treats you. SO gets really upset when I cry, but its because he HATES seeing people cry and will do anything in his power to make it better so the minute I start crying, whatever we were talking about goes out the window and he’ll change his opinion/stop arguing/let me win just so I stop crying (which is awful and I try to not cry so we can actually have a fair resolution to things). If we hardly spoke or didn’t have fun together or didn’t hug or kiss, I’d feel so neglected. This is how my first relationship was, I had to ask him often to put down his phone and hug me. He made it feel like it was a chore to love me. I cant imagine living like that forever. SO and I have the same love languages, he’s less touchy than he was at the beginning, but he’ll never hesitate to hold my hand or kiss my forehead. I would try the love languages book & test, then have a conversation about how those results translates into real life. If  he doesn’t make an effort to show you love the way you need after that, then I’d recommend counseling. 

Post # 18
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

I hate to say it but at 25 I would worry that he feels he is young and possibly regretting his decision to be tied down in marriage. 

Post # 19
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Your husband sounds like a typical 25 year old man who doesn’t want to listen to someone else’s concerns, sadly.  If he’s not able to take your feeling seriously, it’s time to have a Come to Jesus moment and let him know that that’s non-negotiable.  He doesn’t have to agree with you about everything, but he doesn’t just get to shrug off your needs and feelings.  If anyone ever disregarded me the way your husband does I would be gone before he could blink.  I would recommend asking to go to counseling, or at the very least put your foot down about him taking your feelings seriously.  

Post # 20
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ea72214 :  

Everything they said OP  plus he sounds  like “ no intimate time after “intimate time” – we don’t cuddle, ever – he does his thing and it’s like a pause button is returned to play – back to his phone or his game or whatever”  a crap and immature   lover into  the bargain. I’m not  one for counselling  usually , but I think this is a case for it , if you want to  want to save the marriage. You do seem to want to, does he? 

Post # 21
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
ea72214 :  

Guys who rush in to create a whirlwind and sweep you off your feet generally have agendas.  And your best interest is not part of their agendas.

If we distill this down to its core, what you really want is for your husband to go back to the way he was in those early days, the guy you fell madly in love with.

Unfortunately, that guy never actually existed.  He was just a persona your husband took on to win you over. Now that he feels secure that he “has” you, he can let the mask slip.

Are you sure that what you were calling “passion” wasn’t actually intensity?  They can look a lot alike. Passion helps make life worth living.  Intensity will lead you down some very dangerous roads.

Accept the guy you actually married or end it.  Those are your only real options.  Everything else is just noise.

Post # 22
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

I’m not sure I totally agree with previous opinions… I don’t think this is solely an issue of “rushing into marriage” or “getting married too quick” or that he’s a terrible person. In my opinion… it’s natural for relationships to change. People definitely get comfortable… also, as you grow, you both have responsibilities, of working, taking care of a house and even kids, Andy you get exhausted and put your relationship on the back burner. I’ve been with my husband for 6.5 years… I wouldn’t say we rushed into marriage… we also have a son. A lot of the complaint you have, I have had. We met in university and our lives were MUCH different… we were young, carefree And passionate… we went out and drank and partied, and came home and our intimate life was different… we snuggled, and stayed in bed til 11.. we went on dates and did fun things. Now… we never go on dates, we would need a sitter, we’re tired and that’s extra money we could spend on our son. We don’t cuddle because on the nights we’re intimate, we’re so tired we roll over and go to sleep because our son will wake up in a couple of hours. We go days without kissing because we honestly just get indulged in our daily routines. My husband is also a total sport junkie and I have definitely felt hurt when he puts sports in front of me… I talk to him about it and we try to compromise. Anyway… this whole rant to tell you, he mya not necessarily be a terrible person. Maybe he is comfortable… maybe you have different love,languages and communicate differently. No relationship is perfect and will always need work. I don’t think you should be scared of talk to him about it though… tell him how you’re a feeling and try to compromise! 

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