(Closed) When it's time to let go of traditions…

posted 5 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sure some traditions have changed.  

But when I fork out a good chunk of cash for my invites to be delivered( oh and we did do the printer invites for the envelopes) I expect them to be delivered correctly. They are overpaid and have a nice retirement coming to them so deliver my invites. 


The garter/wedding bouquet toss .. outdated sure … but not to everyone…. the dollar dance not out dated to everyone.  


Of COURSE you’re not the only one that has gotten some flack, um have you seen the threads? Who gets to judge what’s outdated and what’s not….

Post # 4
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I half agree because I don’t think it’s a matter of needing to let go of traditions but being accepting of people’s choices. I don’t know if it’s the stress of a lot of upcoming weddings or spring fever or whatever, but OMG some of the boards have been rude as hell lately. I just finished reading the one about head tables, and I can’t believe “someone” (typing the word flags my posts) hasn’t come in and reminded people about the TOS.


People have been giving you flak for printing addresses or first looks?

Post # 5
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Great topic / post.

The problem is that many many people don’t genuinely know the difference between Etiquette and Tradition.

Etiquette seems to get blamed for everything (lol, as an Etiquette Snob around these parts I know)

Traditions most certainly can be picked from like a Buffet table… you choose this, you choose that… don’t care for whatever.

Infact on the other end of the spectrum… one can in many cases not only “inherit” traditions, but also adapt or choose from ones not normally found within their family, heritage, or locale.

Etiquette tho tends to be stuff that has a distinct reason for being… when one follows the Rules of Etiquette not only do the Guests feel more at ease… (which is the key reason for Etiquette to begin with)… BUT it usually means less headaches for the Host (exception being when they run up against Guests who haven’t got a clue how they are supposed to behave in public, or socially… in this day and age)

So altho Etiquette is relaxing somewhat in this modern age … it is a gradual process over time (gotta remember the Rules of Etiquette have been around for eons / decades / more than a Century… for good reason… they work.  When everyone is playing with the same Rule Book, things run smoother).

From the post above, the only Etiquette item is addressing of the Envelopes in nice hand-written script (or calligraphy).

And the thought behind that was that one actually took the time to care about the task they were doing, and the kindness that they were extending onto another by inviting them to a special event such as a Wedding.  Making them feel welcome, appreciated, and special all by the appearance of a pretty envelope in the post.

I agree, I think with today’s wonderful fonts available that most Brides who even care about this rule could easily opt for the “modern equivalent” (a font that looks like it is handwritten, can still convey all that was once done by hand… a pretty envelope in the mail, still says all the things that the ones 25, 50 or 100 years ago did).  And, definitely a lot less hassle in this busy world… not to mention, something that the Post Office will probably find a lot easier to deal with overall.  (And goodness knows we’ve read enough posts about how awful / temperamental the Post Office can be when it comes to Brides getting their Invites mailed out to their Guests).

That isn’t to say, that if a Bride is having an uber formal Black Tie event, that she should opt for the modern fonts vs calligraphy… one truly has to decide on a case-by-case basis based upon both the “message they are wishing to convey / tone / theme etc” and also what their Guest List will respond best to.

But overall ya, I agree… there do seem to be a lot of heated discussions of late (Cabin Fever… has certainly been a long cold winter up north… or maybe just the time of year with more panic stricken Brides finding WBee… as we come in to prime Wedding Season… May, June, etc)

Whatever it is, I agree it ain’t pretty.

Lol, but if you really want to see nasty catfights… I know of “another website” that is filled with ’em.  No tulle unturned over there !!

😉 *wink*


Post # 7
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

The biggest ones for me have been HUGE… both tradition, not etiquette related.

– I don’t see why I should change my name.

– Neither my Father nor I want me to be “given away” because of the symbolism.

… and people really don’t get it at all!

Post # 8
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Bebealways:  Okay, same page then 😉 

Post # 9
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I think the best way to handle it is to 1) be discreet and only share details on an as-needed basis to avoid some of those conversations in the first place, and 2) when they DO happen, just be unapologetic and even a bit brash about the choices you’re making. It also helps to just accept that there will always be some vocal discontent from some quarters, but that it’s their problem and not yours. If you frame it as “We’re doing X, we’ve decided, it’s fait accompli,” you may still get some static, but there will be less than if you frame it as “We’re thinking of X, we’re not sure we really want to do Y.”

@Rachel631:  re. not being given away by your father: when we got married, we walked down the aisle together. Not sure if you’re doing that or something else, but when people asked us about it, it was an opportunity to inform them that it’s actually a much older tradition than being given away by the bride’s father – it’s how the early Christians celebrated weddings.

Post # 10
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

@KCKnd2:  Yes, my Father says that as well! The reason it’s a bone of contention is that Fiance and his family are very traditional, whereas my immediate family are completely non-traditional. Every tradition has to justify it’s inclusion… both for them, and for me!

I suggested to Fiance that we walk down the aisle together, or that I meet him half way, but he wasn’t keen. One suggestion was that I had two BMs walk in front of me and two behind me… which is fine. I guess I just find it odd that nobody (apart from my Father) thinks that it’s OK for me to walk alone. I mean, I’m a grown woman. I’m sure I can walk 40 yards!

I also find it odd that the priest could barely hide his shock when I ‘fessed up that I wasn’t being given away, and that I was keeping my name. I was all… really? It can’t be that uncommon, surely? I mean, Biblical women kept their names, and it is quite common nowadays, as well…

Post # 11
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with you about traditions, but not so much about etiquette. I think the problem is that people mix the two up very often. Etiquette is really just about proper manners and being a good host to your guests. Whether or not you have a first look has nothing to do with etiquette because it’s really not affecting your guests in any way – like you said, it’s just people clinging onto tradition and the way they’ve always seen it done, and there really is no reason for it. On the other hand, things like sending out thank you cards, feeding your guests if you’re hosting an event at dinner time, etc…those things are important not just because they’re the way it’s traditionally done, but because you’re basically hosting a party and that does mean you have certain responsibilities towards your guests.

Post # 12
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I love traditions! I think some of them could be modernized (like printing addresses), but I love the big church wedding, the garter/boquet toss (even though we won’t be having one), even the recieving line!

Post # 13
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Bebealways:  I feel the same as you about both of those. We printed our envelopes in a lovely font that looks like handwriting AND we are seeing each other before the wedding! We’re not doing a boquet or garter toss because we just don’t have that many single people attending. I tried not to get too caught up in traditional things when I was planning.

I know some will argue that the hand written envelopes is an etiquette thing, however, I believe that times have changed for that as well. I know it used to be that people hired out a calligrapher, so I don’t understand why I shouldn’t be able to print them. At least I am doing them instead of hiring it out to someone else to do? I agree that it’s much nicer for the post office workers as they don’t have to try and decipher my hand writing! I don’t think any of our guests will notice or care that we did not actually hand write the envelopes.

Post # 14
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Bebealways:  I don’t think any tradition is irrelevant per se, but I don’t think it should be frowned upon when someone breaks tradition. As long as it’s not an inconvenience or insult to their guests.

Post # 15
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think it really goes both ways. If you break tradition, there are people who judge you, but if you follow tradition, there are people who judge you. It seems we can’t win no matter what we decide to do!


In our case, we decided to wait until the ceremony to see each other, and you would not believe the number of people (coworkers/friends/family) who have complained or told me I absolutely must have a first look. I get it – a lot of people do it, but don’t judge me and my fiance for not wanting to do it.


I am having my father walk me down the aisle, and he will be asked “who presents this woman?”. In my mind, that isn’t him giving me away, and I think it’s sweet. The way I see it, he’e being asked “who walked this lovely looking bride down the aisle?”. But, you wouldn’t believe again how many people have tried to tell me it makes me a piece of property! I get how it can be seen that way, but that doesn’t mean I have to see it the same way. I think it’s something everyone should decide, and then they should do what they want.


And then the garter toss… we’re not doing that. But, there are the people who have said “Well if you’re doing the bouquet toss, you HAVE to do the garter toss!” Umm…. no we don’t have to. I’m wearing my mom’s garter, I don’t want to get two garters, so no we won’t be doing it. I can’t exactly go over to the person who catches it after and say “Excuse me, I know you caught this and think you can keep it, but I need it back now. Thanks!”


Post # 16
9 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

Perosnally…. Garter Toss= creeps me right out! The cheesy money grabs I have witnessed at weddings such as the dollar dance and the stuffing an old boot with money also does not contribute to the classy atmosphere most brides try to create. I also am not a fan of slide shows…isn’t it a little bizarre to do this at both weddings and funerals? I think I will make guests sit through goofy spaghetti faced pictures of mychildhood at my funeral instead of my wedding. I think only the grandmothers truly appreciate childhood photos of you and your FH.

That being said: If that makes you happy do it! If you wanna smush cake all over eachother do it! If you wanna toss a bouquet, garter, or kitchen sink then have at it! There is no point in tearing down every other Bee who likes something different. Some of us want to walk down the aisle to the wedding march and some of us might choose “sexy and I know it” the beauty of a truly perfect wedding is being able to make it your own and fill it up with all the things YOU dreamed of! Not what your mother wants, not what his mother wants and certainly not what tradition dictated a hundred years ago!

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